Surgery Day

So, here it is.  Just before 6:00am on the day of my surgery.  In the next 12 hours, all this anxiety will be over.  I will have made it through surgery and will have some answers on the other side.  


I'm feeling every sense this morning.  Everything is felt or experienced at a different level.  And I sort of feel as though I'm moving in slow motion.  Every move is deliberate.  It's really the way we should live every day.  I have to remember this.


When I talked to the nurse at the outpatient center yesterday and mentioned I was concerned about not eating or drinking for 15 hours, she said, "Just sleep in until 11:00am".  I thought that was funny then.  At 5:00am this morning, I thought it was even more humorous.  Even though I have to work this morning and I have to be up by 6:30am, I was wide awake at 5:00am.  Sleeping until 11:00am would never have happened.  My brain is too worked up to sleep.  I expect I can do all my sleeping tonight and tomorrow.


After I posted yesterday about my pelvis feeling better, it decided to garner up some attention again and boy, by last night, it was really making itself known.  And although it was painful, I was oddly glad to feel it.  That pain is my motivation to go through all this.  Without it, you'd never be getting me into surgery.


I am practicing what I preach in childbirth classes.  I am breathing.  I am conscious of each breath.  I am utilizing progressive relaxation.  I am remaining positive, even when the anxiety wants to take over.  It's mind over matter.  Today is important.  Today is monumental for me really.  Today opens up a floodgate of emotions and I'm acknowledging that although this surgery may be very common, it is not common to me.  And the emotions involved in this are real.  My mom died from ovarian cancer.  It is my responsibility to be proactive in this part of my body in order to be around for as long as possible.  And that is what I am doing today.


I willingly admit and say out loud that I am scared.  But I will no longer say that I'm terrified.  It's okay to be scared.  And I'm not going to pretend I'm not.  But I will not let that fear control me.  I trust my doctor.  I have an amazing support system surrounding me.  No matter what comes from this surgery.  No matter what is found.  No matter what decisions have to be made, I will be okay.  I know my strength.  Today I just have to dig in and use it.  


I will deliberately walk into that surgical center at 1:45pm today.  I will smile and laugh with the staff.  I will offer a gift of brownies to thank them in advance for the good care they will provide me.  I will hand over my wedding ring, the one my mom wore for 51 years, to Olly.  I will hand him my phone.  The stupid electronic device that attaches me to my busy world 24/7.  I will put on a gown.  I will be wheeled into an OR.  I will acknowledge my fear, but I will joke with the staff.  And then I will go to sleep and my doctor will do her job and will figure out what is happening inside of me.  


And then I will wake up.  I will be groggy.  But I will remind myself to breathe.  I will see Olly.  He will put my wedding ring back on my finger.  I'll have some crackers and juice.  I'll spend a little time in recovery with people making sure I'm okay.  I'll talk to my doctor about what she found.  I'll fill my pain medication prescription and then I will go home.


Maybe more decisions will have to be made after today, maybe they won't.  But today is an important step.  I understand that a laparoscopy sounds like a simple procedure, but there is nothing simple about this for me today.  Yet, I will power through it and I WILL come out the other side even better than I go in.  This is big today.  I feel it in every ounce of my body.    I will rock this surgery.  I will do it for my mom, I will do it for my dad, I will do it for my husband, I will do it for my children, I will do it for all the people who are surrounding me with their love and support.  But most importantly, I will do it for me.


Thank you to all of you who have reached out to me and offered me so much support.  I cannot express enough how much it all means to me. 


I'll see you all on the recovery side.  :-)