Humbled

It took everything I had to hit publish on that post last night.  To put myself out there like that did not come easily.  Yet something told me it needed to be done.  As I told a friend this morning, I felt as though I was holding everything inside of that growth inside of my uterus, and when I let everything out, I quit giving it power.

And then the Facebook comments and the texts and the e-mails came flooding in and I spent quite a bit of time in tears.  I can't come up with any more words than Thank You.  Your comments, your thoughts, your prayers mean more to me than I can say.

I still don't have any answers to my plan of action.  My ND and I talked for some time last night and the first step is getting this thing out of me.  It has to be done and it has to be done soon.  The next step will be taken once we figure out what else is going on inside of me.  My ND took it upon herself to call the radiologist and the two of them went over my ultrasound results together for about a 1/2 hour.  This is why I love her.  This is above and beyond as far as medical care is concerned.  The radiologist said that he believed an MRI could help show more, but it still doesn't look like that's it my future.  And honestly, I guess I just need to stop wasting time and move forward.  

It occurred to me last night that I'm really scared of all the What Ifs.  What If no one can figure out what is causing the pain?  What If what is causing the pain is serious?  What If...even though everyone is telling me it's not...there is cancer?  What If I have to have a hysterectomy?  What If I lose my ovaries and am thrown into menopause?  What If, What If, What If...

And I have to let the What Ifs go and take things one step at a time.  So, that's what I'm working on now.  Whatever choice I make, I have to go into it confident in my decision and knowing that I'm going to be okay.  That is important to me.  So, I'm working on that.

After I made my post yesterday, I thought about my life and who I am and what brought me to this place in life.  I was raised in family that doesn't share their emotions.  You never would have found my mom blogging about her life.  My dad is the same way.  Heck, when my brother was born and nearly died, my parents didn't even tell their family because they didn't want to burden them until they knew how things were going to turn out.  That's how I grew up.  Don't burden people.  My mom spent her entire cancer diagnosis trying not to burden people.  "Don't make a fuss over me" she'd often say.  She didn't want people to worry about her.  Even though she was a professional when it came to worrying about others.  I can't help but wonder how many years of emotions and worry she had stuffed inside of her that perhaps manifested in cancer.  

I've always been the anomaly in the family.  I feel my emotions deep and raw and I let them out.  Oh, I'm good at stuffing too...but I can't stuff everything.  I think that drove my mom crazy.  She didn't know what to do with all my emotion.  And I spent a large part of my life feeling badly about my emotions.  I don't anymore.  I've reconciled with that in the past several years.  I like who I am.  I like that I have strong emotions and feel things deeply.  I like that I still cry at every birth I attend after all these years because I deeply feel the emotion in the room.  I like that when I love, I love deeply and when I hurt, I hurt deeply.  It's a trade off.  But I like those emotions and I don't ever want to stop feeling.  So, it makes sense that when I have something big in my life to handle, I'm going to feel it deeply.

But I will not stuff it.  I won't.  I won't let that growth take it and feed off of that energy.  So, this blog is my outlet.  My tears will be my outlet.  They flow easily right now and I'm trying to just let it happen.  

I think I'll have a decision by tomorrow.  I think I have to.  Then it's time to reconcile with the decision and prepare for the next step.   But for today...it's time for the downtown farmer's market with my boys and lots of smiles and laughter.  I need to keep that laughter.  I've always said that laughter can heal anything.  The tears are important, but so is the laughter.

Thank you for all  your support.  It means the world to me.  It truly does.  I can't even put it into words. Knowing so many of you are out there sending me love and healing thoughts lifts me up and makes moving forward that much easier.  So, thank you again.  I truly am humbled.