Just a quick post today because I simply can't sit for long...
This has been an experience.
I am not taking the lessons lightly.
From this experience I will be a better Doula, a better Childbirth Educator, a better Gerontologist, a better Counselor, a better Friend, a better Daughter, a better Wife, a better Mother, simply a better Human Being.
From this experience I will appreciate the little things more and try not to get wrapped up in things that aren't important...and even those that are. It's all one day at a time. None of us knows what tomorrow holds. This experiences reinforces that for me.
Life needed me to slow down and pay attention.
I am paying attention.
I am learning.
I am growing.
That doesn't mean I don't have my missteps. That doesn't mean I don't get frustrated and annoyed. But am I learning. And that's what is important.
And now, it's time to lie back down...again...
And see what lessons come from Day 3 Post-Op.
I'm still very thankful to be on the Post-Op side. :-)
Friday, June 29, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
The Day After
Hey, look, I'm alive! :-)
There's definitely a different perspective on this side of this surgery. Of course, I knew that. I'm just glad to have it now.
I have to say, yesterday was probably one of the most difficult days of my life. I've been through worse obviously, but wow, when I look at some of the big things I've been through in my life, yesterday will definitely rank up towards the top.
As I mentioned, the day seemed to move in slow motion. I can remember every move from looking out the window on the drive in, parking, walking in, sitting down in the waiting area, the nurse coming to get me, getting my blood pressure taken (twice...it was HIGH the first time...ya think?!), answering questions, putting on the gown, talking to my doctor and the anesthesiologist and then breaking down in tears. It all seemed so surreal. Almost as though I was watching it from outside my body.
Walking into the operating room was the scariest thing I can remember doing in my life. Every ounce of me wanted to run. I focused on my breathing the best I could, but I couldn't stop the shaking once I laid on the operating table. The anesthesiologist went to work quickly trying to find a vein, but my flight or fright response was in full effect at this point and my normally GREAT veins became fairly non-existent. The first time didn't work, the second time apparently wasn't perfect but I could hear the anesthesiologist and the nurse discussing it and they decided to go with it. I looked over to say something to the anesthesiologist and then the sedative hit me. I couldn't keep my eyes open, the room started to spin, I vaguely remember the oxygen mask going on my face and then that was it until I woke up in the recovery room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BREAK ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, as I was writing the above, I had a bit of a set back and a reminder that I did just have surgery yesterday. I was sitting up typing and I started getting dizzy and Olly mentioned I should probably eat. My wonderful Julie had brought over a coffee and a scone for me and I finished both of those, but I suppose it was a lot of sugar over some decent protein. So, I made my way downstairs to look for something to eat, but nothing sounded good. As I was standing in the kitchen, I felt like I was going to pass out. I made my way to the couch and sat down. I asked for some orange juice and guzzled that down. After sitting for a while, I started to feel better. I decided it was best for me to lie back down so made my way back upstairs and proceeded to lay down for the past couple of hours. I feel better again, but not great. I obviously just over did it (even though I didn't do much), and my body reminded me that I'm not superwoman (whatever...).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Now where was I~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh yeah...so I woke up in recovery and was pretty uncomfortable. But my first thought was how happy I was to have survived. :-) Then I was pleased to get some juice and animal crackers and I asked to have Olly brought in the room. I was so happy to see him. :-) Everything seemed to be so much better simply because I was done. A very kind nurse was bringing me everything I needed. The anesthesiologist came in and said, "Well, you're no longer a surgery virgin". I would have liked to have hung on to that virginity forever, but I guess I should be glad I kept it for 43 years. And although I'd say that my first experience wasn't too bad...I'd rather not do it again. ;-)
The nurse read me the note that my doctor left for me. It was a sweet note and said that she found a lot of things, but nothing too serious which was great to hear. Turns out I had some scar tissue which had adhered to my intestine and was also sitting on a nerve which she believed was causing the pain. She also felt that the ovarian cyst was likely causing me pain but said that it was a completely benign cyst. So, all in all, I think that if losing that cyst and scar tissue was all that was needed, then things couldn't have turned out much better. The polyp in my uterus will be biopsied and I expect that it will be benign as well.
So, on to recovery. Last night was uncomfortable. I took two Vicodin (lost my pain med virginity then too) in recovery and the trip home was pretty miserable. Over the course of the evening I think I took two more Vicodin but the last one was at 7:30pm. I slept pretty well all night and then woke up this morning needing to move. I don't lie in bed for hours and hours and the lying down was getting to me. My left hand was pretty swollen from the IV and I had to squeeze off my wedding ring. I iced it and the swelling progressively went down. Although after my little set back above, it started swelling up again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Necessary food break. A nice plate of scrambled eggs and cut up nectarine. Thanks Olly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Let's see if I can finish this thing I started hours ago~~~~~~~
It's been a good learning experience. I have to remember that I am human. My body has been through a major event (I don't give a rip if it's called "minor" surgery...it was major to me...). I constantly remind new moms that no matter how good they feel, they MUST rest post-birth. Their body has gone from 2 to 1, they must rest. I'm learning that I must take my own advice as well. I know better...but I'm the worst possible patient. I hate just sitting around. I hate it.
Just before I had my little set back, I had asked Olly to go to the health food store to get me some homeopathy. Then, my set back hit and I no longer wanted him to leave. I still don't want him to go. This morning I told him I thought he could go to work tomorrow just fine, but now I'm no longer sure.
I guess it's just back to taking one moment at a time. I'm still happier doing that on this side than pre-surgery.
Oh...one final note...I mentioned that I baked brownies to bring with me. THAT was a very good move. Someone actually put a sticky note on my chart so that every time someone opened up my chart, it said I was the one that brought the caramel brownies. The doctor mentioned it, the anesthesiologist mentioned it, the nurse mentioned it and when she walked me into surgery, she announced, "This is Kelli, she brought the brownies" and the room erupted in a cheer and thank yous. If I had been in a better place and not scared to death, I probably would have appreciated it more. But I gotta tell you...I will ALWAYS bring goodies to any future procedure. :-) I highly recommend it.
Okay, this has been an hours long procedure to get this posted and it's certainly long enough, so I'm going to cut it off and get back to resting for the remainder of the day. Keep those good thoughts coming as I work my way through the recovery process. And thank you for all the good thoughts that came my way yesterday. I felt them all and brought them all with me into the operating room! :)
There's definitely a different perspective on this side of this surgery. Of course, I knew that. I'm just glad to have it now.
I have to say, yesterday was probably one of the most difficult days of my life. I've been through worse obviously, but wow, when I look at some of the big things I've been through in my life, yesterday will definitely rank up towards the top.
As I mentioned, the day seemed to move in slow motion. I can remember every move from looking out the window on the drive in, parking, walking in, sitting down in the waiting area, the nurse coming to get me, getting my blood pressure taken (twice...it was HIGH the first time...ya think?!), answering questions, putting on the gown, talking to my doctor and the anesthesiologist and then breaking down in tears. It all seemed so surreal. Almost as though I was watching it from outside my body.
Walking into the operating room was the scariest thing I can remember doing in my life. Every ounce of me wanted to run. I focused on my breathing the best I could, but I couldn't stop the shaking once I laid on the operating table. The anesthesiologist went to work quickly trying to find a vein, but my flight or fright response was in full effect at this point and my normally GREAT veins became fairly non-existent. The first time didn't work, the second time apparently wasn't perfect but I could hear the anesthesiologist and the nurse discussing it and they decided to go with it. I looked over to say something to the anesthesiologist and then the sedative hit me. I couldn't keep my eyes open, the room started to spin, I vaguely remember the oxygen mask going on my face and then that was it until I woke up in the recovery room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BREAK ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, as I was writing the above, I had a bit of a set back and a reminder that I did just have surgery yesterday. I was sitting up typing and I started getting dizzy and Olly mentioned I should probably eat. My wonderful Julie had brought over a coffee and a scone for me and I finished both of those, but I suppose it was a lot of sugar over some decent protein. So, I made my way downstairs to look for something to eat, but nothing sounded good. As I was standing in the kitchen, I felt like I was going to pass out. I made my way to the couch and sat down. I asked for some orange juice and guzzled that down. After sitting for a while, I started to feel better. I decided it was best for me to lie back down so made my way back upstairs and proceeded to lay down for the past couple of hours. I feel better again, but not great. I obviously just over did it (even though I didn't do much), and my body reminded me that I'm not superwoman (whatever...).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Now where was I~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh yeah...so I woke up in recovery and was pretty uncomfortable. But my first thought was how happy I was to have survived. :-) Then I was pleased to get some juice and animal crackers and I asked to have Olly brought in the room. I was so happy to see him. :-) Everything seemed to be so much better simply because I was done. A very kind nurse was bringing me everything I needed. The anesthesiologist came in and said, "Well, you're no longer a surgery virgin". I would have liked to have hung on to that virginity forever, but I guess I should be glad I kept it for 43 years. And although I'd say that my first experience wasn't too bad...I'd rather not do it again. ;-)
The nurse read me the note that my doctor left for me. It was a sweet note and said that she found a lot of things, but nothing too serious which was great to hear. Turns out I had some scar tissue which had adhered to my intestine and was also sitting on a nerve which she believed was causing the pain. She also felt that the ovarian cyst was likely causing me pain but said that it was a completely benign cyst. So, all in all, I think that if losing that cyst and scar tissue was all that was needed, then things couldn't have turned out much better. The polyp in my uterus will be biopsied and I expect that it will be benign as well.
So, on to recovery. Last night was uncomfortable. I took two Vicodin (lost my pain med virginity then too) in recovery and the trip home was pretty miserable. Over the course of the evening I think I took two more Vicodin but the last one was at 7:30pm. I slept pretty well all night and then woke up this morning needing to move. I don't lie in bed for hours and hours and the lying down was getting to me. My left hand was pretty swollen from the IV and I had to squeeze off my wedding ring. I iced it and the swelling progressively went down. Although after my little set back above, it started swelling up again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Necessary food break. A nice plate of scrambled eggs and cut up nectarine. Thanks Olly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Let's see if I can finish this thing I started hours ago~~~~~~~
It's been a good learning experience. I have to remember that I am human. My body has been through a major event (I don't give a rip if it's called "minor" surgery...it was major to me...). I constantly remind new moms that no matter how good they feel, they MUST rest post-birth. Their body has gone from 2 to 1, they must rest. I'm learning that I must take my own advice as well. I know better...but I'm the worst possible patient. I hate just sitting around. I hate it.
Just before I had my little set back, I had asked Olly to go to the health food store to get me some homeopathy. Then, my set back hit and I no longer wanted him to leave. I still don't want him to go. This morning I told him I thought he could go to work tomorrow just fine, but now I'm no longer sure.
I guess it's just back to taking one moment at a time. I'm still happier doing that on this side than pre-surgery.
Oh...one final note...I mentioned that I baked brownies to bring with me. THAT was a very good move. Someone actually put a sticky note on my chart so that every time someone opened up my chart, it said I was the one that brought the caramel brownies. The doctor mentioned it, the anesthesiologist mentioned it, the nurse mentioned it and when she walked me into surgery, she announced, "This is Kelli, she brought the brownies" and the room erupted in a cheer and thank yous. If I had been in a better place and not scared to death, I probably would have appreciated it more. But I gotta tell you...I will ALWAYS bring goodies to any future procedure. :-) I highly recommend it.
Okay, this has been an hours long procedure to get this posted and it's certainly long enough, so I'm going to cut it off and get back to resting for the remainder of the day. Keep those good thoughts coming as I work my way through the recovery process. And thank you for all the good thoughts that came my way yesterday. I felt them all and brought them all with me into the operating room! :)
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Surgery Day
So, here it is. Just before 6:00am on the day of my surgery. In the next 12 hours, all this anxiety will be over. I will have made it through surgery and will have some answers on the other side.
I'm feeling every sense this morning. Everything is felt or experienced at a different level. And I sort of feel as though I'm moving in slow motion. Every move is deliberate. It's really the way we should live every day. I have to remember this.
When I talked to the nurse at the outpatient center yesterday and mentioned I was concerned about not eating or drinking for 15 hours, she said, "Just sleep in until 11:00am". I thought that was funny then. At 5:00am this morning, I thought it was even more humorous. Even though I have to work this morning and I have to be up by 6:30am, I was wide awake at 5:00am. Sleeping until 11:00am would never have happened. My brain is too worked up to sleep. I expect I can do all my sleeping tonight and tomorrow.
After I posted yesterday about my pelvis feeling better, it decided to garner up some attention again and boy, by last night, it was really making itself known. And although it was painful, I was oddly glad to feel it. That pain is my motivation to go through all this. Without it, you'd never be getting me into surgery.
I am practicing what I preach in childbirth classes. I am breathing. I am conscious of each breath. I am utilizing progressive relaxation. I am remaining positive, even when the anxiety wants to take over. It's mind over matter. Today is important. Today is monumental for me really. Today opens up a floodgate of emotions and I'm acknowledging that although this surgery may be very common, it is not common to me. And the emotions involved in this are real. My mom died from ovarian cancer. It is my responsibility to be proactive in this part of my body in order to be around for as long as possible. And that is what I am doing today.
I willingly admit and say out loud that I am scared. But I will no longer say that I'm terrified. It's okay to be scared. And I'm not going to pretend I'm not. But I will not let that fear control me. I trust my doctor. I have an amazing support system surrounding me. No matter what comes from this surgery. No matter what is found. No matter what decisions have to be made, I will be okay. I know my strength. Today I just have to dig in and use it.
I will deliberately walk into that surgical center at 1:45pm today. I will smile and laugh with the staff. I will offer a gift of brownies to thank them in advance for the good care they will provide me. I will hand over my wedding ring, the one my mom wore for 51 years, to Olly. I will hand him my phone. The stupid electronic device that attaches me to my busy world 24/7. I will put on a gown. I will be wheeled into an OR. I will acknowledge my fear, but I will joke with the staff. And then I will go to sleep and my doctor will do her job and will figure out what is happening inside of me.
And then I will wake up. I will be groggy. But I will remind myself to breathe. I will see Olly. He will put my wedding ring back on my finger. I'll have some crackers and juice. I'll spend a little time in recovery with people making sure I'm okay. I'll talk to my doctor about what she found. I'll fill my pain medication prescription and then I will go home.
Maybe more decisions will have to be made after today, maybe they won't. But today is an important step. I understand that a laparoscopy sounds like a simple procedure, but there is nothing simple about this for me today. Yet, I will power through it and I WILL come out the other side even better than I go in. This is big today. I feel it in every ounce of my body. I will rock this surgery. I will do it for my mom, I will do it for my dad, I will do it for my husband, I will do it for my children, I will do it for all the people who are surrounding me with their love and support. But most importantly, I will do it for me.
Thank you to all of you who have reached out to me and offered me so much support. I cannot express enough how much it all means to me.
I'll see you all on the recovery side. :-)
I'm feeling every sense this morning. Everything is felt or experienced at a different level. And I sort of feel as though I'm moving in slow motion. Every move is deliberate. It's really the way we should live every day. I have to remember this.
When I talked to the nurse at the outpatient center yesterday and mentioned I was concerned about not eating or drinking for 15 hours, she said, "Just sleep in until 11:00am". I thought that was funny then. At 5:00am this morning, I thought it was even more humorous. Even though I have to work this morning and I have to be up by 6:30am, I was wide awake at 5:00am. Sleeping until 11:00am would never have happened. My brain is too worked up to sleep. I expect I can do all my sleeping tonight and tomorrow.
After I posted yesterday about my pelvis feeling better, it decided to garner up some attention again and boy, by last night, it was really making itself known. And although it was painful, I was oddly glad to feel it. That pain is my motivation to go through all this. Without it, you'd never be getting me into surgery.
I am practicing what I preach in childbirth classes. I am breathing. I am conscious of each breath. I am utilizing progressive relaxation. I am remaining positive, even when the anxiety wants to take over. It's mind over matter. Today is important. Today is monumental for me really. Today opens up a floodgate of emotions and I'm acknowledging that although this surgery may be very common, it is not common to me. And the emotions involved in this are real. My mom died from ovarian cancer. It is my responsibility to be proactive in this part of my body in order to be around for as long as possible. And that is what I am doing today.
I willingly admit and say out loud that I am scared. But I will no longer say that I'm terrified. It's okay to be scared. And I'm not going to pretend I'm not. But I will not let that fear control me. I trust my doctor. I have an amazing support system surrounding me. No matter what comes from this surgery. No matter what is found. No matter what decisions have to be made, I will be okay. I know my strength. Today I just have to dig in and use it.
I will deliberately walk into that surgical center at 1:45pm today. I will smile and laugh with the staff. I will offer a gift of brownies to thank them in advance for the good care they will provide me. I will hand over my wedding ring, the one my mom wore for 51 years, to Olly. I will hand him my phone. The stupid electronic device that attaches me to my busy world 24/7. I will put on a gown. I will be wheeled into an OR. I will acknowledge my fear, but I will joke with the staff. And then I will go to sleep and my doctor will do her job and will figure out what is happening inside of me.
And then I will wake up. I will be groggy. But I will remind myself to breathe. I will see Olly. He will put my wedding ring back on my finger. I'll have some crackers and juice. I'll spend a little time in recovery with people making sure I'm okay. I'll talk to my doctor about what she found. I'll fill my pain medication prescription and then I will go home.
Maybe more decisions will have to be made after today, maybe they won't. But today is an important step. I understand that a laparoscopy sounds like a simple procedure, but there is nothing simple about this for me today. Yet, I will power through it and I WILL come out the other side even better than I go in. This is big today. I feel it in every ounce of my body. I will rock this surgery. I will do it for my mom, I will do it for my dad, I will do it for my husband, I will do it for my children, I will do it for all the people who are surrounding me with their love and support. But most importantly, I will do it for me.
Thank you to all of you who have reached out to me and offered me so much support. I cannot express enough how much it all means to me.
I'll see you all on the recovery side. :-)
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Brain Power
Of course I've always known how much power our brain has over our life. I teach about it all the time. But I am immensely fascinated when something happens in my own life to show me this power.
As you know, I've been in some pretty bad pain. A week ago was likely the worst. That pain was necessary for me to make a decision to do this surgery. I know it was. I had to get out of the pain and the surgery was the out.
I made the decision on Friday. But nothing was confirmed until yesterday morning. Saturday I was still in quite a bit of pain. Sunday was off and on. Yesterday the pain had shifted. Today...again...different pain. Manageable. Tolerable. It's as though once my brain made the decision, the pain could ease. It knows it's going to get treated. It truly is the most interesting thing to me.
Of course, then there's the ridiculous part of my brain that says I needed that pain to keep me motivated. I pictured hardly being able to walk into the surgical center because of the pain and being ready to just do the surgery to get rid of the pain.
Now how do I do that? I'm going to walk in feeling just fine? What the heck do I need the surgery for then?
But I know I need it. I guess that's the trick here. The pain caused my brain to make a decision. Upon making the decision, my brain allowed my body to relax. The decision has been made. There's no turning back. Although, if I had the time, there is a huge part of me that wants to do my own scientific experiment and cancel my appointment just to see what would happen with the pain.
Don't worry...I'm not going to cancel the appointment. But I can't help but wonder...
So, although my brain power has benefited me when it comes to the pain, I can say it's still working overtime in lots of other ways. My favorite now is the dream where I am under anesthesia but in my head I'm awake and I just can't tell anyone and I can feel everything. I wake up sweating and in a panic from that reoccurring dream. Good times. It started as a dream of waking up during the surgery, but that must have been too easy to be fixed with more anesthesia. Now my brain has managed to go a step further. Thankfully, those thoughts pass when my day begins. But I have to admit, I'm not looking forward to tonight.
Tonight is the night before my surgery. Tomorrow night, it will all be over, but I'll be recovering. My body will be different. It will be trying to figure out what happened and it will likely be in pain in ways I haven't been in pain before. I know I can recover from this thing. I just don't like the idea of being forced to slow down. And yet, I also know it's what I probably need more than anything in my life right now. Some time to slow down.
I'm worried about Olly. I'm worried about my boys. I'm worried about making sure bills get paid. I'm worried about falling behind in school. I'm worried about what is going to be found during this surgery. I'm worried about what isn't found during the surgery. I gotta say...I got that worry gene from my mom and it's a powerful one. I can find something to worry about at all times. And right now, there are plenty of things readily accessible.
But for now...it's off to work...then home...then back to work. The hours are counting down. We're at 31 & 1/2. The last five days have seemed to move in slow motion. I'm experiencing everything differently. It's a good different, but I am very aware of what is approaching in everything I do. When the Starbucks barista or grocery cashier asks me how I am, I want to scream, "I'm having surgery!" When I walk to get my mail I think, "I'm having surgery!". When I drive down the street I think, "I'm having surgery!". It permeates everything right now.
It's closing in. Which also means it will soon be over. One step at a time. One moment at a time. THIS moment. Then the next. That's all I have to do. Just like labor. One breath at a time. One moment at a time. Slow down brain...just S L O W down...
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
That is all.
As you know, I've been in some pretty bad pain. A week ago was likely the worst. That pain was necessary for me to make a decision to do this surgery. I know it was. I had to get out of the pain and the surgery was the out.
I made the decision on Friday. But nothing was confirmed until yesterday morning. Saturday I was still in quite a bit of pain. Sunday was off and on. Yesterday the pain had shifted. Today...again...different pain. Manageable. Tolerable. It's as though once my brain made the decision, the pain could ease. It knows it's going to get treated. It truly is the most interesting thing to me.
Of course, then there's the ridiculous part of my brain that says I needed that pain to keep me motivated. I pictured hardly being able to walk into the surgical center because of the pain and being ready to just do the surgery to get rid of the pain.
Now how do I do that? I'm going to walk in feeling just fine? What the heck do I need the surgery for then?
But I know I need it. I guess that's the trick here. The pain caused my brain to make a decision. Upon making the decision, my brain allowed my body to relax. The decision has been made. There's no turning back. Although, if I had the time, there is a huge part of me that wants to do my own scientific experiment and cancel my appointment just to see what would happen with the pain.
Don't worry...I'm not going to cancel the appointment. But I can't help but wonder...
So, although my brain power has benefited me when it comes to the pain, I can say it's still working overtime in lots of other ways. My favorite now is the dream where I am under anesthesia but in my head I'm awake and I just can't tell anyone and I can feel everything. I wake up sweating and in a panic from that reoccurring dream. Good times. It started as a dream of waking up during the surgery, but that must have been too easy to be fixed with more anesthesia. Now my brain has managed to go a step further. Thankfully, those thoughts pass when my day begins. But I have to admit, I'm not looking forward to tonight.
Tonight is the night before my surgery. Tomorrow night, it will all be over, but I'll be recovering. My body will be different. It will be trying to figure out what happened and it will likely be in pain in ways I haven't been in pain before. I know I can recover from this thing. I just don't like the idea of being forced to slow down. And yet, I also know it's what I probably need more than anything in my life right now. Some time to slow down.
I'm worried about Olly. I'm worried about my boys. I'm worried about making sure bills get paid. I'm worried about falling behind in school. I'm worried about what is going to be found during this surgery. I'm worried about what isn't found during the surgery. I gotta say...I got that worry gene from my mom and it's a powerful one. I can find something to worry about at all times. And right now, there are plenty of things readily accessible.
But for now...it's off to work...then home...then back to work. The hours are counting down. We're at 31 & 1/2. The last five days have seemed to move in slow motion. I'm experiencing everything differently. It's a good different, but I am very aware of what is approaching in everything I do. When the Starbucks barista or grocery cashier asks me how I am, I want to scream, "I'm having surgery!" When I walk to get my mail I think, "I'm having surgery!". When I drive down the street I think, "I'm having surgery!". It permeates everything right now.
It's closing in. Which also means it will soon be over. One step at a time. One moment at a time. THIS moment. Then the next. That's all I have to do. Just like labor. One breath at a time. One moment at a time. Slow down brain...just S L O W down...
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
That is all.
Monday, June 25, 2012
48 Hours
48 Hours from now, I'll be wheeled into surgery.
48 Hours from now, I'll go to sleep.
48 Hours from now, so many people will be sending me good thoughts, surrounding me with their love and care.
48 Hours from now, my mom will join me in the operating room so that I'm not alone.
48 Hours from now, I will be inaccessible to anyone and everyone for 45 minutes to an hour. I'm not sure I've ever been fully inaccessible to people in my life EVER prior to this.
48 Hours from now, a doctor I trust completely will put medical instruments into my body and will remove the invaders in my ovary and my uterus.
48 Hours from now, my fallopian tubes will be "tied" and that will officially end my years of fertility.
48 Hours from now, a camera will look around inside of me and will hopefully determine what is causing my pain.
~~~~~~
49 Hours from now, I will wake up in recovery and will see my husband.
49 Hours from now, the fear of the surgery will be over.
49 Hours from now, I will begin my recovery.
49 Hours from now, I will hopefully have some answers.
~~~~~~~
50 Hours from now, I will stop at the pharmacy on the way out of the outpatient center to pick up pain meds I will fight very hard not to take.
50 Hours from now, the sun will hit my face as I leave the outpatient center and I will feel it differently than I ever have before.
50 Hours from now, I'll be in the car headed home.
~~~~~~~
51 Hours from now, I'll see my wonderful children and be thankful to be home.
51 Hours from now, I'll curl up in my bed and sleep off my anesthesia.
51 Hours from now, I will have comforting dreams of healing.
51 Hours from now, the moving forward begins.
48 Hours from now, I'll go to sleep.
48 Hours from now, so many people will be sending me good thoughts, surrounding me with their love and care.
48 Hours from now, my mom will join me in the operating room so that I'm not alone.
48 Hours from now, I will be inaccessible to anyone and everyone for 45 minutes to an hour. I'm not sure I've ever been fully inaccessible to people in my life EVER prior to this.
48 Hours from now, a doctor I trust completely will put medical instruments into my body and will remove the invaders in my ovary and my uterus.
48 Hours from now, my fallopian tubes will be "tied" and that will officially end my years of fertility.
48 Hours from now, a camera will look around inside of me and will hopefully determine what is causing my pain.
~~~~~~
49 Hours from now, I will wake up in recovery and will see my husband.
49 Hours from now, the fear of the surgery will be over.
49 Hours from now, I will begin my recovery.
49 Hours from now, I will hopefully have some answers.
~~~~~~~
50 Hours from now, I will stop at the pharmacy on the way out of the outpatient center to pick up pain meds I will fight very hard not to take.
50 Hours from now, the sun will hit my face as I leave the outpatient center and I will feel it differently than I ever have before.
50 Hours from now, I'll be in the car headed home.
~~~~~~~
51 Hours from now, I'll see my wonderful children and be thankful to be home.
51 Hours from now, I'll curl up in my bed and sleep off my anesthesia.
51 Hours from now, I will have comforting dreams of healing.
51 Hours from now, the moving forward begins.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Darkness & Light
I've never been a fan of the dark. I remember that even as a kid, I hated the dark. My mom used to tell me that the dark could play tricks on your eyes and ears and make you see and hear things that aren't really there.
Now as an adult, I know myself enough to know that the dark is where all my anxieties hide and lie in wait to attack. They play tricks on me. During the daylight hours, I've got things handled. I know that surgery is the right thing and I know I'll be okay. After dark, the anxiety pounces and makes me question everything. It awakens my deepest, darkest fears which are, for the most part, irrational. Of course, most of anxiety is irrational. Knowing that doesn't always help.
Yesterday was a good day. I accomplished a lot of work that I needed to get done for school this week so I know I can just take it easy and prepare for the week ahead. I felt good about my decision. I felt comfortable and safe and loved. Then the dark came in and the What Ifs surfaced again and the anxiety zoomed in and out of my consciousness with new things to think about.
Thankfully, the sun always comes up. However, the anxiety made its mark on me last night and I can feel it weighing on me still. I understand it. I acknowledge it. And I'm trying not to let it have power. But it's there.
So I focus on these next three days. Today...I have to complete some work on this continuing ed program I'm doing (in addition to my two masters classes...seriously...THIS is when I have to have surgery! :-O). I'm hopeful I can actually complete the entire program today. And just be able to have all my posts ready as the weeks continue. Tomorrow, it's grocery shopping and making sure I have everything available in the house for the boys and then I have to teach tomorrow night. Tuesday, I am working most the day which I guess will keep me busy. But thinking of working and the pain I'm in isn't pleasant. Thankfully, I can sit most the day.
And then Wednesday will be here. Although, I have to get through three more nights. Three more dark periods of anxiety. My hope is that I'll have more power over them instead of them having more power over me. But we'll see.... I kind of wish I could get out and do something fun, but my pelvis isn't allowing for much in the way of fun these days. Another reason to get this surgery over and done with!
This morning, Olly and I were lying in bed and he grabbed my hand like he usually does. However, I felt it differently this morning. I clung to that hand. He is my safety net right now. I know he is worried. He's having lots of nightmares about random things and I'm sure that's where all his worry plays out. It's not easy being the support person through all this. No one takes care of the support person. But he's my rock right now. Yesterday he installed a new fan in the bathroom and a new shower head that I've long been wanting. He's gone out and picked me up a latte both days this weekend. I know he'll take good care of me next week. I'm so thankful I have him!
Along those lines...many people have asked me how you can help. Really...I don't think we're in need of meals. Olly will be home Thursday and we have picky kids and we'll get them fed. Pizza delivery is always easy. Friday is the day I'm most concerned about as I will be home alone with all three boys. My sense is that we'll order extra pizza on Thursday so they can have it for lunch on Friday. Then my boys will go to their dad's Friday night and Blake will be heading to his grandparents on Saturday. So, for the weekend, it will just be me and Olly and we'll be fine as far as food goes. However, if you are local and you really want to do something that would be incredibly appreciated...there is probably nothing more helpful than for someone to drop by a latte Thursday thru Sunday. Truly...that simple act would be wonderful for both of us. Olly has gone out the last two days to pick one up for me, but to give him a break for those 4 likely busy days for him would be heavenly. So, if you're interested, just reply here or on FB or shoot me off an e-mail to doulakelli@yahoo.com and I'll let you know what we normally drink. It feels weird even asking for anything, but people have asked, so there you go. :-) And it's really just for those 4 days. We don't need anything more. But thank you to all who have offered. I don't expect to be out for too long. I'm not letting this surgery stop me. :-)
So, time to get back to work. Thank you to all of you who keep reading my daily musings. It's still odd for me to be laying it all out there, but I know how much all your support is helping me as I prepare for this surgery and I expect the next few days will be a jumble of emotions that will help to be spewed here. What I'm most looking forward to is reading all these anxiety filled posts AFTER my surgery and when I'm all recovered and knowing I powered through and made it through one of the scariest things I've ever faced. :-)
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Decisiveness - :-)
Shortly after I posted yesterday, I spoke with my ND. I explained to her my options and she agreed that if I was going to go under general anyway, I might as well just do it once and get all the answers. We talked for some time and I'm going to be pounding a lot of supplements this weekend and will see her Monday and Tuesday for vitamin B shots (hate those things, but it's worth it).
So, the decision has been made. There really aren't any other options. The pain is getting ridiculous and I think by Wednesday I'm going to be ready to just be done with it. This weekend is about calming my brain. I sent some e-mails to family and between family and my amazing friends, I feel incredibly supported and know this is all going to be just fine.
My client and her husband who just had their 3rd baby on Tuesday dropped off a cheesecake and a variety of wonderful home made jams and jellies and this incredible blackberry sauce which is fantastic with the cheesecake. They just had their 3rd baby and went out of their way for me. It was incredibly touching and meant so much to me.
Opening up was hard, but I'm glad I did it. I feel better about my decision. I feel protected and loved and it's going to be easier to go into surgery that way.
On a lighter note...last night I was joking with my oldest son, Jonathan, about what I really think is going on inside of me. When he was 3 and we were waiting for my 2nd son, Christopher, to be born (who was born at a full 42 weeks), Jonathan told me the reason Christopher was taking so long was because he was "boarding up the town". This was said quite seriously with a straight face. I looked at him and said, "What town?" He sighed as though I was wasting his time and he said, "The town inside of you!" I said, "There's a town inside of me? How did it get there?" With another big sigh, he said "I built it!" I remember thinking what an amazing story this was and how serious he was about all of it. I asked him where he got all the tools and with another big sigh he said, "From the hardware store!" Who knew I had all of this inside of me? And in Jonathan's mind, Christopher was taking so long to come out because he was busy boarding up all the windows and shutting down the town since there weren't going to be any more babies.
It was the greatest story ever and it hit me last night...THAT's what all this is! My old broken down town is crumbling. That growth in my uterus is probably a tumbleweed that got lost as it was blowing through town. ;-) Imagine the shock on the doctor's face when she pulls out a tumbleweed! :-)
This is a grateful turning point for me. I can laugh about all this. I'm feeling better about all of it. I wrote SURGERY on my calendar for Wednesday. I'm rearranging things a bit and clearing my calendar. I'm currently trying to figure out if I can manage to teach Monday and Tuesday and keep me other various appointments when my pain is getting as bad as it is. But I'm hopeful I can power through until Wednesday. Thankfully, I've been so busy this last week that I haven't had much in the way of coffee so I've already done some detoxing. I definitely don't want a caffeine withdrawal headache on Wednesday in addition to hunger pains and dehydration. So, just one coffee a day between now and then and I'll be fine.
I know...as Jonathan tells me all the time...1st world problems. :-)
I know things could be so much worse. This is just a small blip on the screen of my life. I check in at 2, surgery at 3, in recovery by 4 and out the door by 5. THREE hours of my life. Three little hours. Oh how they can have so much power. But now I can do lots of practicing of what I teach in childbirth classes about mind over matter and the power of a slow breath. And additionally, some practice on how to rest and slow down and how to accept help. That part is actually the hardest really. ;-)
And honestly, I'm grateful to this pain right now because it is forcing me to take care of myself and for that, I am thankful.
By this time next week, I'll be well on the way to recovery and I'll have some answers, and hopefully out of this particular pain and can begin to move forward again.
Thanks to all of you for your help and support. It's helped me make a confident decision and I'm feeling much better as I move forward. :-)
So, the decision has been made. There really aren't any other options. The pain is getting ridiculous and I think by Wednesday I'm going to be ready to just be done with it. This weekend is about calming my brain. I sent some e-mails to family and between family and my amazing friends, I feel incredibly supported and know this is all going to be just fine.
My client and her husband who just had their 3rd baby on Tuesday dropped off a cheesecake and a variety of wonderful home made jams and jellies and this incredible blackberry sauce which is fantastic with the cheesecake. They just had their 3rd baby and went out of their way for me. It was incredibly touching and meant so much to me.
Opening up was hard, but I'm glad I did it. I feel better about my decision. I feel protected and loved and it's going to be easier to go into surgery that way.
On a lighter note...last night I was joking with my oldest son, Jonathan, about what I really think is going on inside of me. When he was 3 and we were waiting for my 2nd son, Christopher, to be born (who was born at a full 42 weeks), Jonathan told me the reason Christopher was taking so long was because he was "boarding up the town". This was said quite seriously with a straight face. I looked at him and said, "What town?" He sighed as though I was wasting his time and he said, "The town inside of you!" I said, "There's a town inside of me? How did it get there?" With another big sigh, he said "I built it!" I remember thinking what an amazing story this was and how serious he was about all of it. I asked him where he got all the tools and with another big sigh he said, "From the hardware store!" Who knew I had all of this inside of me? And in Jonathan's mind, Christopher was taking so long to come out because he was busy boarding up all the windows and shutting down the town since there weren't going to be any more babies.
It was the greatest story ever and it hit me last night...THAT's what all this is! My old broken down town is crumbling. That growth in my uterus is probably a tumbleweed that got lost as it was blowing through town. ;-) Imagine the shock on the doctor's face when she pulls out a tumbleweed! :-)
This is a grateful turning point for me. I can laugh about all this. I'm feeling better about all of it. I wrote SURGERY on my calendar for Wednesday. I'm rearranging things a bit and clearing my calendar. I'm currently trying to figure out if I can manage to teach Monday and Tuesday and keep me other various appointments when my pain is getting as bad as it is. But I'm hopeful I can power through until Wednesday. Thankfully, I've been so busy this last week that I haven't had much in the way of coffee so I've already done some detoxing. I definitely don't want a caffeine withdrawal headache on Wednesday in addition to hunger pains and dehydration. So, just one coffee a day between now and then and I'll be fine.
I know...as Jonathan tells me all the time...1st world problems. :-)
I know things could be so much worse. This is just a small blip on the screen of my life. I check in at 2, surgery at 3, in recovery by 4 and out the door by 5. THREE hours of my life. Three little hours. Oh how they can have so much power. But now I can do lots of practicing of what I teach in childbirth classes about mind over matter and the power of a slow breath. And additionally, some practice on how to rest and slow down and how to accept help. That part is actually the hardest really. ;-)
And honestly, I'm grateful to this pain right now because it is forcing me to take care of myself and for that, I am thankful.
By this time next week, I'll be well on the way to recovery and I'll have some answers, and hopefully out of this particular pain and can begin to move forward again.
Thanks to all of you for your help and support. It's helped me make a confident decision and I'm feeling much better as I move forward. :-)
Friday, June 22, 2012
Indecisiveness
Another day, another kink in my plans.
Apparently surgery is a lot like labor. You can't plan it. You can't control it.
Oh wait...I guess that's life.
I hate that part.
Today I had another lovely discussion with the super helpful person in my OB's office. I love her, love her, love her and so appreciate that she hasn't thrown up her arms in disgust with me yet and given up on me. She has gone above and beyond with me and I am so thankful for her.
We talked face to face today and she made me copies of all the information about the potential procedures. We discussed the hysteroscopy (hysteroscope) and I said I was leaning towards that procedure first since it could be done in the office under conscious sedation. She told me that she could absolutely schedule me but that the next possible date wouldn't be until July 20th in the office. Ugh...that's too far away...not to mention I have important plans that day that I don't want to break and it's also closing in on the due date of my next client. So, if I wanted to do the hysteroscopy at the outpatient surgery center, I could get in much sooner....but of course, there's a catch...no conscious sedation...it has to be general anesthesia over there. Damn.
So, the thing I'm most afraid of...the general anesthesia is on the table one way or another at this point.
If I'm going to have to do general, then I might as well do the whole stinking laparoscopy and get it all over at once. The reality is, whatever is done during the hysteroscope (removal of the growth...likely a d&c) isn't going to fix this pain in my pelvis. The doctor is going to have to see what is going on and that's going to take the laparoscopy.
I still don't like it. None of it.
But right now, what is on the table is either a hysteroscopy by itself or a hysteroscopy and a laparoscopy next Wednesday.
NEXT Wednesday.
I don't feel like I've had enough time to process. To really think things through.
But that's not true. I've reached out for more information than most people do before a surgery like this. And this pain in my pelvis is letting me know that I can't take much more time. And my calendar is open Thursday-Sunday next week. That rarely happens.
I'll have to rearrange some stuff on Wednesday. I'm supposed to attend a doctor's appointment with my dad the following Tuesday and I'm hopeful I can still do that. But I don't honestly know how I'm going to feel. I'm being told 5-7 days at least for recovery. And NO food OR water after Midnight. The surgery wouldn't be until 3pm. How in the hell does one do that. I get so nauseous and light headed if I don't eat. I was thinking I could actually work Wednesday morning, but I don't know that it's actually possible now. But I don't just want to sit at home thinking about food either. Ugh...seriously...this sucks.
I haven't made up my mind, although I don't feel that there are many choices left on the table. I have to decide by first thing Monday morning. It will be a long weekend of decision making. I am emotionally wiped out. Exhausted really. And terrified. Fear is such a powerful emotion.
And so I did what any sane, rational person would do in the face of great fear. I completed my living will, main will and power of attorney. I'm not checking in for surgery without it. Laugh if you will, but it's one thing I have some control over.
The ONE good thing if I have to go forward with a laparoscopy is that if whatever they find doesn't look like it's going to result in a hysterectomy, then I'm having my tubes tied. Congrats hubby! No big V for you! I expect even better care due to the fact that you are removed from your own VERY SIMPLE procedure because I'm having to face my enormous fears. ;0
So ahead of me lies a long, emotional, difficult weekend. I guess I have to look out to next weekend with the hope that I'll be physically recovering, but emotionally feeling better being on the other side of surgery.
Maybe it's good that come Monday I have to have a decision and if the decision is surgery Wednesday, I don't have a lot of time to stew. But good lord, surgery next week? 5 days from now? Surgery?!?!?!
Okay, one breath in, one breath out.
That is all I need to keep doing.
Now if I could just convince my spinning mind of that.
Apparently surgery is a lot like labor. You can't plan it. You can't control it.
Oh wait...I guess that's life.
I hate that part.
Today I had another lovely discussion with the super helpful person in my OB's office. I love her, love her, love her and so appreciate that she hasn't thrown up her arms in disgust with me yet and given up on me. She has gone above and beyond with me and I am so thankful for her.
We talked face to face today and she made me copies of all the information about the potential procedures. We discussed the hysteroscopy (hysteroscope) and I said I was leaning towards that procedure first since it could be done in the office under conscious sedation. She told me that she could absolutely schedule me but that the next possible date wouldn't be until July 20th in the office. Ugh...that's too far away...not to mention I have important plans that day that I don't want to break and it's also closing in on the due date of my next client. So, if I wanted to do the hysteroscopy at the outpatient surgery center, I could get in much sooner....but of course, there's a catch...no conscious sedation...it has to be general anesthesia over there. Damn.
So, the thing I'm most afraid of...the general anesthesia is on the table one way or another at this point.
If I'm going to have to do general, then I might as well do the whole stinking laparoscopy and get it all over at once. The reality is, whatever is done during the hysteroscope (removal of the growth...likely a d&c) isn't going to fix this pain in my pelvis. The doctor is going to have to see what is going on and that's going to take the laparoscopy.
I still don't like it. None of it.
But right now, what is on the table is either a hysteroscopy by itself or a hysteroscopy and a laparoscopy next Wednesday.
NEXT Wednesday.
I don't feel like I've had enough time to process. To really think things through.
But that's not true. I've reached out for more information than most people do before a surgery like this. And this pain in my pelvis is letting me know that I can't take much more time. And my calendar is open Thursday-Sunday next week. That rarely happens.
I'll have to rearrange some stuff on Wednesday. I'm supposed to attend a doctor's appointment with my dad the following Tuesday and I'm hopeful I can still do that. But I don't honestly know how I'm going to feel. I'm being told 5-7 days at least for recovery. And NO food OR water after Midnight. The surgery wouldn't be until 3pm. How in the hell does one do that. I get so nauseous and light headed if I don't eat. I was thinking I could actually work Wednesday morning, but I don't know that it's actually possible now. But I don't just want to sit at home thinking about food either. Ugh...seriously...this sucks.
I haven't made up my mind, although I don't feel that there are many choices left on the table. I have to decide by first thing Monday morning. It will be a long weekend of decision making. I am emotionally wiped out. Exhausted really. And terrified. Fear is such a powerful emotion.
And so I did what any sane, rational person would do in the face of great fear. I completed my living will, main will and power of attorney. I'm not checking in for surgery without it. Laugh if you will, but it's one thing I have some control over.
The ONE good thing if I have to go forward with a laparoscopy is that if whatever they find doesn't look like it's going to result in a hysterectomy, then I'm having my tubes tied. Congrats hubby! No big V for you! I expect even better care due to the fact that you are removed from your own VERY SIMPLE procedure because I'm having to face my enormous fears. ;0
So ahead of me lies a long, emotional, difficult weekend. I guess I have to look out to next weekend with the hope that I'll be physically recovering, but emotionally feeling better being on the other side of surgery.
Maybe it's good that come Monday I have to have a decision and if the decision is surgery Wednesday, I don't have a lot of time to stew. But good lord, surgery next week? 5 days from now? Surgery?!?!?!
Okay, one breath in, one breath out.
That is all I need to keep doing.
Now if I could just convince my spinning mind of that.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Humbled
It took everything I had to hit publish on that post last night. To put myself out there like that did not come easily. Yet something told me it needed to be done. As I told a friend this morning, I felt as though I was holding everything inside of that growth inside of my uterus, and when I let everything out, I quit giving it power.
And then the Facebook comments and the texts and the e-mails came flooding in and I spent quite a bit of time in tears. I can't come up with any more words than Thank You. Your comments, your thoughts, your prayers mean more to me than I can say.
I still don't have any answers to my plan of action. My ND and I talked for some time last night and the first step is getting this thing out of me. It has to be done and it has to be done soon. The next step will be taken once we figure out what else is going on inside of me. My ND took it upon herself to call the radiologist and the two of them went over my ultrasound results together for about a 1/2 hour. This is why I love her. This is above and beyond as far as medical care is concerned. The radiologist said that he believed an MRI could help show more, but it still doesn't look like that's it my future. And honestly, I guess I just need to stop wasting time and move forward.
It occurred to me last night that I'm really scared of all the What Ifs. What If no one can figure out what is causing the pain? What If what is causing the pain is serious? What If...even though everyone is telling me it's not...there is cancer? What If I have to have a hysterectomy? What If I lose my ovaries and am thrown into menopause? What If, What If, What If...
And I have to let the What Ifs go and take things one step at a time. So, that's what I'm working on now. Whatever choice I make, I have to go into it confident in my decision and knowing that I'm going to be okay. That is important to me. So, I'm working on that.
After I made my post yesterday, I thought about my life and who I am and what brought me to this place in life. I was raised in family that doesn't share their emotions. You never would have found my mom blogging about her life. My dad is the same way. Heck, when my brother was born and nearly died, my parents didn't even tell their family because they didn't want to burden them until they knew how things were going to turn out. That's how I grew up. Don't burden people. My mom spent her entire cancer diagnosis trying not to burden people. "Don't make a fuss over me" she'd often say. She didn't want people to worry about her. Even though she was a professional when it came to worrying about others. I can't help but wonder how many years of emotions and worry she had stuffed inside of her that perhaps manifested in cancer.
I've always been the anomaly in the family. I feel my emotions deep and raw and I let them out. Oh, I'm good at stuffing too...but I can't stuff everything. I think that drove my mom crazy. She didn't know what to do with all my emotion. And I spent a large part of my life feeling badly about my emotions. I don't anymore. I've reconciled with that in the past several years. I like who I am. I like that I have strong emotions and feel things deeply. I like that I still cry at every birth I attend after all these years because I deeply feel the emotion in the room. I like that when I love, I love deeply and when I hurt, I hurt deeply. It's a trade off. But I like those emotions and I don't ever want to stop feeling. So, it makes sense that when I have something big in my life to handle, I'm going to feel it deeply.
But I will not stuff it. I won't. I won't let that growth take it and feed off of that energy. So, this blog is my outlet. My tears will be my outlet. They flow easily right now and I'm trying to just let it happen.
I think I'll have a decision by tomorrow. I think I have to. Then it's time to reconcile with the decision and prepare for the next step. But for today...it's time for the downtown farmer's market with my boys and lots of smiles and laughter. I need to keep that laughter. I've always said that laughter can heal anything. The tears are important, but so is the laughter.
Thank you for all your support. It means the world to me. It truly does. I can't even put it into words. Knowing so many of you are out there sending me love and healing thoughts lifts me up and makes moving forward that much easier. So, thank you again. I truly am humbled.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Another Blog
So, I have once again found my way to blogging. Some of you may have followed my journey a few years ago through my mom's cancer and eventual death over at http://findingmymom.blogspot.com/ . It's been close to a year since I've blogged there. My life has gone on without my mom. I wasn't sure how I would survive without her, but I've done great things with my life since she has been gone and I know she is looking down and is proud of me.
Yet, what brought me back to blogging actually is tied into my mom in an odd way.
Over the past year or so, I've been noticing quite a bit of changes in a womanly way (to put it nicely). I started to believe peri-menopause was beginning. Each month, each cycle brought something new. Several months ago I started having some pain in my pelvis. It wasn't terrible and I didn't pay a lot of attention.
It seems my pelvis doesn't like to be ignored.
If I back track a little I have to say...I spent some very rough years rebuilding my life after a difficult divorce. Over those years I did not have any medical insurance. When you don't have insurance, you don't go to the doctor. Simple as that. And I've always been generally healthy and would occasionally check in with my awesome ND to keep my immune system strong, etc. But the one thing that definitely was pushed to the background was my yearly exams. I hadn't had one in years.
I've had insurance for well over a year now, but still hadn't made the time to do that exam. You know how it is...once you stop doing something, you kind of have a hard time picking it up again. ;-) Well, my pelvis and my uterus were no longer happy being in the background and over the past month made it clear there was no more time to wait. Additionally, there was a voice in my head that was quite recognizable to me as my mother's. It insisted I pay attention to these signals and get in to see my doctor.
So, after a very difficult cycle, I made a phone call on a Monday and my doctor scheduled me for Wednesday. As I wrote the appointment on the calendar, I realized that Wednesday was the 6th. June 6th. My mom's birthday. Coincidence? I don't think so.
My exam resulted in my ND sending me out for an ultrasound based on what she felt manually. On June 12th, I got to experience the joy of both a full-bladder external ultrasound and the even more joyful vaginal ultrasound.
That afternoon my ND called with the results. It's never great when the first question is "Where are you right now?". Ugh...
The results came back showing an ovarian cyst and some sort of uterine growth which was fairly undefinable at this point. The ovarian cyst brought me to tears simply because it's my ovary. Damn ovaries. The cancer inside of them killed my mom. I know it's not the ovaries' fault, but to know that one of mine was turning against me as my mom's had turned against her kind of rocked me. However, it turns out that the cyst doesn't seem to be nearly as big of a deal as this crazy "growth" in my uterine wall.
So, the next step was to meet with an OB. I am lucky that I work in a world where I know a particularly awesome OB. I met with her on the 15th. We talked for some time. Her recommendation was a laparoscopy. I could start with a hysteroscope, but she felt that ultimately a laparoscopy was going to be needed. She was concerned that the debilitating pain I was having didn't match up with the ultrasound results and that there is likely more going on inside of me which is causing the pain. The words "endometriosis" and my favorite, "Pelvic Congestion" were thrown around. As was the word "hysterectomy".
My head reeled.
I have never had surgery. Nor do I want it. Or a hysterectomy at 43 years old.
So for a day...I cried. I lamented over all of this and felt sorry for myself and really, really, really wanted my mom. This is the kind of stuff a girl needs her mom for.
And then I went in to my normal survival mode. I decided to ignore it.
And that worked for a couple of days.
And then I attended a very quick, awesome birth yesterday with a family I absolutely adore. There were so many happy tears. But after an hour and a half of standing and crouching, I found myself in terrible pain. I came home and rested for a while and it got better, but then I had to teach a childbirth class and by the time I got home, I could barely move. It was my pelvis and all the way down my leg. It was the first time the pain itself made me cry. I've always considered myself to have a high pain-tolerance, but then again, maybe I've just never had a lot of pain. I've often said it's mind over matter. And I've done that for the past year. It's no longer possible to "think" this pain away.
So today I spent quite a bit of time with the most patient person at my OBs office. She walked me through the procedures. She understood my concerns. My ND was hoping for an MRI, but the OB doesn't feel it's going to show anything more and that ultimately the only way to know for sure what is going on is to get in there.
I realize that for many people a laparoscopy is no big deal. But it is a HUGE deal for me. It is general anesthesia. It is my abdomen filled with CO2. It's a tube down my throat. It is tools INSIDE my body. None of it feels right to me.
And yet the voice in my head won't shut up. It's starting to scream at me.
No more ignoring.
Decisions have to be made.
No more waiting.
And yet, I'm still not ready.
And so I'm blogging. I'm putting it out to the universe. I'm getting it out of my head. And this post is really just the beginning of what is in my head. :-0
I am feeling vulnerable. And I HATE feeling vulnerable. I am strong and I power through. I can will my way through nearly anything. I don't stop for illness. This is knocking me for a loop. And I know I'm supposed to learn lessons. But I don't want to learn them. And yes, I'm psychoanalyzing myself and I understand all of what I am saying and I know what I would say to a client of mine. I get all that. But right now I am in this body and I hate this place. I help others. It's what I do. I don't accept help. I don't slow down. I don't stop. And this is making me stop. It's making everything change. It's making me have to change my schedule and move things around and reschedule...for my damn uterus. And the fact that this has to do with my ovaries and my uterus makes me scared and angry. This is the part of the body that took my mom.
But my mom didn't know it was happening. She likely had cancer growing in her ovaries YEARS before it was diagnosed. Everyone tells me that they don't feel this has anything to do with cancer. My blood work came back fine. My pap results were normal. But something is happening inside of me.
And I'm frustrated and conflicted and truly don't know what to do.
So there it is...it's out in the universe for all to see. I'm not holding it in anymore. I'm not forcing my husband to be the only one who bears the weight of this thing. I know he's worried about me and he doesn't know what to say or do. He needs support too. It sucks to watch someone you love in pain (physically or emotionally).
So I intend to document my journey forward here. And then I intend to get past this and get on to the rest of my life because it, in and of itself, is a journey full of crazy ups and downs.
But let me get through particular journey first...
Thanks for sharing it with me.
For those of you who have experienced a hysteroscope or laparoscopy and/or a hysterectomy, I'd love to hear your experience and your thoughts, but please don't tell me it's nothing because to me it is most definitely something. But I'd love first hand experience and/or advice with pre-op/post-op. Keep in mind, I actually haven't made a decision or an appointment yet. But I need all the information I can get before I do that. Also keep in mind that it takes a LOT for me to put this out there and sending "post" is a big deal. I don't ask for help. I generally don't need it. But right now, what I know I need is some good thoughts and support from a large body of people. And so here I am, raw and vulnerable for all to see. But I WILL remain strong...I just might need places to fall now and then.
And now back to your regularly scheduled day... :-)
Yet, what brought me back to blogging actually is tied into my mom in an odd way.
Over the past year or so, I've been noticing quite a bit of changes in a womanly way (to put it nicely). I started to believe peri-menopause was beginning. Each month, each cycle brought something new. Several months ago I started having some pain in my pelvis. It wasn't terrible and I didn't pay a lot of attention.
It seems my pelvis doesn't like to be ignored.
If I back track a little I have to say...I spent some very rough years rebuilding my life after a difficult divorce. Over those years I did not have any medical insurance. When you don't have insurance, you don't go to the doctor. Simple as that. And I've always been generally healthy and would occasionally check in with my awesome ND to keep my immune system strong, etc. But the one thing that definitely was pushed to the background was my yearly exams. I hadn't had one in years.
I've had insurance for well over a year now, but still hadn't made the time to do that exam. You know how it is...once you stop doing something, you kind of have a hard time picking it up again. ;-) Well, my pelvis and my uterus were no longer happy being in the background and over the past month made it clear there was no more time to wait. Additionally, there was a voice in my head that was quite recognizable to me as my mother's. It insisted I pay attention to these signals and get in to see my doctor.
So, after a very difficult cycle, I made a phone call on a Monday and my doctor scheduled me for Wednesday. As I wrote the appointment on the calendar, I realized that Wednesday was the 6th. June 6th. My mom's birthday. Coincidence? I don't think so.
My exam resulted in my ND sending me out for an ultrasound based on what she felt manually. On June 12th, I got to experience the joy of both a full-bladder external ultrasound and the even more joyful vaginal ultrasound.
That afternoon my ND called with the results. It's never great when the first question is "Where are you right now?". Ugh...
The results came back showing an ovarian cyst and some sort of uterine growth which was fairly undefinable at this point. The ovarian cyst brought me to tears simply because it's my ovary. Damn ovaries. The cancer inside of them killed my mom. I know it's not the ovaries' fault, but to know that one of mine was turning against me as my mom's had turned against her kind of rocked me. However, it turns out that the cyst doesn't seem to be nearly as big of a deal as this crazy "growth" in my uterine wall.
So, the next step was to meet with an OB. I am lucky that I work in a world where I know a particularly awesome OB. I met with her on the 15th. We talked for some time. Her recommendation was a laparoscopy. I could start with a hysteroscope, but she felt that ultimately a laparoscopy was going to be needed. She was concerned that the debilitating pain I was having didn't match up with the ultrasound results and that there is likely more going on inside of me which is causing the pain. The words "endometriosis" and my favorite, "Pelvic Congestion" were thrown around. As was the word "hysterectomy".
My head reeled.
I have never had surgery. Nor do I want it. Or a hysterectomy at 43 years old.
So for a day...I cried. I lamented over all of this and felt sorry for myself and really, really, really wanted my mom. This is the kind of stuff a girl needs her mom for.
And then I went in to my normal survival mode. I decided to ignore it.
And that worked for a couple of days.
And then I attended a very quick, awesome birth yesterday with a family I absolutely adore. There were so many happy tears. But after an hour and a half of standing and crouching, I found myself in terrible pain. I came home and rested for a while and it got better, but then I had to teach a childbirth class and by the time I got home, I could barely move. It was my pelvis and all the way down my leg. It was the first time the pain itself made me cry. I've always considered myself to have a high pain-tolerance, but then again, maybe I've just never had a lot of pain. I've often said it's mind over matter. And I've done that for the past year. It's no longer possible to "think" this pain away.
So today I spent quite a bit of time with the most patient person at my OBs office. She walked me through the procedures. She understood my concerns. My ND was hoping for an MRI, but the OB doesn't feel it's going to show anything more and that ultimately the only way to know for sure what is going on is to get in there.
I realize that for many people a laparoscopy is no big deal. But it is a HUGE deal for me. It is general anesthesia. It is my abdomen filled with CO2. It's a tube down my throat. It is tools INSIDE my body. None of it feels right to me.
And yet the voice in my head won't shut up. It's starting to scream at me.
No more ignoring.
Decisions have to be made.
No more waiting.
And yet, I'm still not ready.
And so I'm blogging. I'm putting it out to the universe. I'm getting it out of my head. And this post is really just the beginning of what is in my head. :-0
I am feeling vulnerable. And I HATE feeling vulnerable. I am strong and I power through. I can will my way through nearly anything. I don't stop for illness. This is knocking me for a loop. And I know I'm supposed to learn lessons. But I don't want to learn them. And yes, I'm psychoanalyzing myself and I understand all of what I am saying and I know what I would say to a client of mine. I get all that. But right now I am in this body and I hate this place. I help others. It's what I do. I don't accept help. I don't slow down. I don't stop. And this is making me stop. It's making everything change. It's making me have to change my schedule and move things around and reschedule...for my damn uterus. And the fact that this has to do with my ovaries and my uterus makes me scared and angry. This is the part of the body that took my mom.
But my mom didn't know it was happening. She likely had cancer growing in her ovaries YEARS before it was diagnosed. Everyone tells me that they don't feel this has anything to do with cancer. My blood work came back fine. My pap results were normal. But something is happening inside of me.
And I'm frustrated and conflicted and truly don't know what to do.
So there it is...it's out in the universe for all to see. I'm not holding it in anymore. I'm not forcing my husband to be the only one who bears the weight of this thing. I know he's worried about me and he doesn't know what to say or do. He needs support too. It sucks to watch someone you love in pain (physically or emotionally).
So I intend to document my journey forward here. And then I intend to get past this and get on to the rest of my life because it, in and of itself, is a journey full of crazy ups and downs.
But let me get through particular journey first...
Thanks for sharing it with me.
For those of you who have experienced a hysteroscope or laparoscopy and/or a hysterectomy, I'd love to hear your experience and your thoughts, but please don't tell me it's nothing because to me it is most definitely something. But I'd love first hand experience and/or advice with pre-op/post-op. Keep in mind, I actually haven't made a decision or an appointment yet. But I need all the information I can get before I do that. Also keep in mind that it takes a LOT for me to put this out there and sending "post" is a big deal. I don't ask for help. I generally don't need it. But right now, what I know I need is some good thoughts and support from a large body of people. And so here I am, raw and vulnerable for all to see. But I WILL remain strong...I just might need places to fall now and then.
And now back to your regularly scheduled day... :-)
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