One month ago today I was hungry. I was thirsty. I was scared...no, I was terrified.
It seems important to mark this day because the past month has been a wild ride.
That surgery stood for much more than just a way to get out some things from inside of me that shouldn't have been there.
That surgery was a catalyst for me. It woke me up. It made me aware of so many things in my life to which I had been unwilling to see before.
I am not the same person I was a month ago today. I am stronger. I am no longer blind to the things in my past or in my present that were holding me back.
I'm not perfect. I don't have it all figured out. I still have really rough days. But I understand SO much more than I did a month ago.
That surgery was a physical manifestation of years of pent up thoughts and feelings. I won't let that happen again.
And today is a good day for a reminder of all that.
Today I am feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities and things that need to get done. I am feeling emotional and frustrated. I'm feeling somewhat angry and resentful. The old Kelli would have just stuffed all of that. I'm letting myself feel all of it because I need to. And then I'll work through it all. Today is a MUCH better day that a month ago, no matter what I'm feeling. I'm alive. I'm healthy. And I'll make it through the stuff I'm dealing with right now. It's one day at a time. I don't have to live the next month today. I just have to live today. That's such a new place for me to be.
Starting Monday, I get back to working out. I'm going to get some of this weight off that I put on over the last month. I'm going to get back some of the muscle tone I apparently have lost. I'm looking forward to getting back into that routine. All of the feelings and emotions are easier to handle when I've put in a good workout. But that doesn't mean I will stuff those emotions through that workout...it just means I'll have another avenue to handle them a little better.
But for now...it's back to writing this last paper. Two weeks left in this semester. Appointments with my dad. Clients to see. A birth to attend. Classes to teach. One foot in front of the other. One step at a time.
And a reminder to myself that I am alive. A month ago today, I was scared I wouldn't wake up from anesthesia. Today I am thrilled there is no anesthesia in my near future and that I am able to feel all I need to feel today. Difficult emotions are still emotions worth feeling. And today I'm working on feeling all I need to feel. Because I can. :-)
Friday, July 27, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Choose Your Own Adventure
Well, it's been a week since that "new Kelli in town" post. I've been looking back on this past week and viewing in through this new lens of mine and thought I'd share a little of what I have seen.
This was an INSANE week. I knew it was going to be. I was a bit stressed about it all, but there is still this new underlying feeling of "I've got this!" inside of me that propelled me forward this week. My week started with my post-op visit. It seemed like it should be momentous, as though confetti should fall from the sky and I would get balloons and, I don't know, maybe some sort of sash or crown or something - ;-) - but it was your average 10 minute doctor's appointment. A couple of stitches were removed, I mentioned I was still experiencing pain (which was intense that morning - I'll discuss this in a minute) and the doctor told me that it can take a month for healing to really set in and told me that if I'm still feeling this way a month out then give her a call and we can discuss pain meds that might help.
Um...No.
Meds are not my answer. This I know. I'm not saying that they don't help in a lot of situations. When you read below, you'll see I did take another ibuprofen...I just know that for me, at this time in my life, prescription pain meds are NOT my answer. And I get frustrated by the medical model of doling out medication so quickly (keep in mind...I LOVE this doctor! I truly do). But that IS the medical model and it's up to consumers to decide if it's the model for them. For me...it's not.
So, back to that Monday morning pain. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was going on. It was the worst it had been since surgery really. I found it interesting that Olly and I were out until 2am on Sunday morning (that's right...I had FUN!) and bowled 5 games that night and my pelvis didn't hurt a bit. Okay, so maybe this was residual pain from that, but it didn't feel like that's what it was. Pain did not result from having fun. It just didn't.
What I found interesting is that it happened on the day of my post-op. THAT made sense to me. What also made sense was that after my appointment, the boys and I headed back up north to spend another night in a hotel in preparation for taking my dad in for his own procedure on Tuesday morning. Now, I do this drive a lot, but I hate it. I hate sitting in Seattle or Bellevue traffic. I hate driving in any sort of traffic really. I LOVE a nice drive through the country with a car passing now and then, but freeway driving in heavy traffic is not my idea of fun. Add to that the fact that I was nervous about my dad's appointment and hmmmmm.... interesting reaction body, interesting reaction indeed. My dad was getting two cortisone shots in his spine to try and relieve his pain. I needed this to work for him. He could barely walk. His next step would be surgery if it didn't work and I'm not sure how my dad would (or could) recover from major surgery.
So, I decided not to force myself to suffer on Monday and I took one OTC ibuprofen. I'll be honest...I don't know if it was the ibuprofen or the acknowledgement of why I was having pain that helped, but by the end of the day, I was feeling fine.
The boys and I had a nice evening together and then were up early Tuesday morning for my dad's appointment. I loaded up the car in a few trips. After the last trip down, we had about a 1/2 hour to hang out so the boys and I just sat in the room for a little bit and then all made our way back down to the car. As I turned the corner, I see that the hatch on my car is WIDE OPEN! But hey, all the doors were locked! :o Wow...talk about a moment of thinking to myself, "Okay...so you're still pretty stressed out. Breathe" And so I did. And what would have normally worked me up was really no big deal. Everything was still there, so hey, that's a great lesson on how society is not all bad right?
As for dad, the jury is still out on whether or not the procedure worked completely, but so far, it looks promising. I ordered us all pizza for lunch and dad was really happy about that saying that he had been thinking about ordering himself pizza for quite a while but didn't want to just get it for himself. :( I hated leaving him that afternoon and I would have stayed longer but I had to teach a final class in a childbirth class series that night. I allowed myself to acknowledge my conflicting responsibilities and allowed myself to accept them and not feel guilty (well, maybe not AS guilty as I would have in the past. ;-)). So we hauled our way back, in heavy traffic, with just enough time to drop the boys off, unpack and head back to work. I taught my class and had people stay after to talk to me until well after 10pm (class ends at 8:30) which is usually a good sign that people enjoyed class. :-)
Wednesday I had some appointments in my office that I had to reschedule from Tuesday and then I was home that night and caught up on some birth center work and replied to e-mails. Thursday was thankfully a fun farmers market morning and then I covered a class for another instructor and we had lots of laughter. However, on the way to class that night, I managed to leave my plastic water cup on the roof of my car and drove off. I still don't know where the thing ended up, but I'm seeing a trend in plastic water cups trying to get my attention. ;-) Once again I thought to myself, "okay...still stressed...breathe...ground...center" and I did. And instead of falling apart (see the previous plastic cup moment), it was no big deal. Okay...so I felt a little stupid, but I acknowledged it as another attention getting moment and listened. And decided to stay away from the plastic cups for a while...
Friday, it was back up north in the most drenching rain and hail I think I have ever driven in. Did I mention I hate driving? I left at 5:20am in the midst of a big thunder and lightning storm. The rain and hail was intense. The kind where you can't see the road. White knuckle driving for sure. And I had some very extreme moments of thinking, "I can't do this!" I seriously considered pulling over at one point and calling my best friend and telling her I wasn't going to make it to her ultrasound because I simply couldn't do this. And then...I re-centered. I took some very deep breaths. I focused. I still hated it, but I could do it. And finally, the weather broke. And my shoulders relaxed and I was pretty proud of myself on the other side of it. And my reward was getting to see my friend's two babies on ultrasound and find out that she's having both a boy and a girl which brought some seriously happy tears.
I drove home in crazy traffic (but thankfully no rain) and did some school work last night. This weekend is all about writing two final papers. I don't expect to get them both completed, but would like, at least, to get one done. And the weekend will likely come with a lot of re-centering as I find myself getting distracted along the way (you know...by things like...say...blogging! ;-)).
But the underlying theme for this week was my repeated choice to allow events that would have otherwise upset me sort of roll off my back. Okay...that makes it sound too easy. They didn't so much "roll" as I "pushed" them off my body and didn't allow them to stay there and cause me pain. And since Monday morning, my pain has been fairly non-existent. I get moments here and there, but interestingly, when one of those moments happen, I stop and take notice of what is going on in my head and I seem to be able to stop the pain from increasing.
I am under a lot of stress right now. There is no way around that. I have 3 weeks left in both my Masters classes and in the childbirth ed continuing education program I've been taking all summer as well. The business is picking up in my office and I have a client due. My dad still needs more appointments and I need to work on getting him to seriously consider moving. Add that to just the daily stuff of life and it's a lot. And yet, I know I can accomplish it all. I am not letting the stress eat at me. I am managing it. I am breathing a LOT. I am grounding myself. And I'm okay.
Don't get me wrong, I certainly still have my moments, but I am becoming consciously aware of my body and its reactions and I am automatically forcing myself to stop and pay attention instead of letting everything build up. This takes work and effort. But it is the choice I'm making and so far it's having a positive effect on my life. And THAT is what keeps me working at it! :-)
Okay...back to work on these final papers...
This was an INSANE week. I knew it was going to be. I was a bit stressed about it all, but there is still this new underlying feeling of "I've got this!" inside of me that propelled me forward this week. My week started with my post-op visit. It seemed like it should be momentous, as though confetti should fall from the sky and I would get balloons and, I don't know, maybe some sort of sash or crown or something - ;-) - but it was your average 10 minute doctor's appointment. A couple of stitches were removed, I mentioned I was still experiencing pain (which was intense that morning - I'll discuss this in a minute) and the doctor told me that it can take a month for healing to really set in and told me that if I'm still feeling this way a month out then give her a call and we can discuss pain meds that might help.
Um...No.
Meds are not my answer. This I know. I'm not saying that they don't help in a lot of situations. When you read below, you'll see I did take another ibuprofen...I just know that for me, at this time in my life, prescription pain meds are NOT my answer. And I get frustrated by the medical model of doling out medication so quickly (keep in mind...I LOVE this doctor! I truly do). But that IS the medical model and it's up to consumers to decide if it's the model for them. For me...it's not.
So, back to that Monday morning pain. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was going on. It was the worst it had been since surgery really. I found it interesting that Olly and I were out until 2am on Sunday morning (that's right...I had FUN!) and bowled 5 games that night and my pelvis didn't hurt a bit. Okay, so maybe this was residual pain from that, but it didn't feel like that's what it was. Pain did not result from having fun. It just didn't.
What I found interesting is that it happened on the day of my post-op. THAT made sense to me. What also made sense was that after my appointment, the boys and I headed back up north to spend another night in a hotel in preparation for taking my dad in for his own procedure on Tuesday morning. Now, I do this drive a lot, but I hate it. I hate sitting in Seattle or Bellevue traffic. I hate driving in any sort of traffic really. I LOVE a nice drive through the country with a car passing now and then, but freeway driving in heavy traffic is not my idea of fun. Add to that the fact that I was nervous about my dad's appointment and hmmmmm.... interesting reaction body, interesting reaction indeed. My dad was getting two cortisone shots in his spine to try and relieve his pain. I needed this to work for him. He could barely walk. His next step would be surgery if it didn't work and I'm not sure how my dad would (or could) recover from major surgery.
So, I decided not to force myself to suffer on Monday and I took one OTC ibuprofen. I'll be honest...I don't know if it was the ibuprofen or the acknowledgement of why I was having pain that helped, but by the end of the day, I was feeling fine.
The boys and I had a nice evening together and then were up early Tuesday morning for my dad's appointment. I loaded up the car in a few trips. After the last trip down, we had about a 1/2 hour to hang out so the boys and I just sat in the room for a little bit and then all made our way back down to the car. As I turned the corner, I see that the hatch on my car is WIDE OPEN! But hey, all the doors were locked! :o Wow...talk about a moment of thinking to myself, "Okay...so you're still pretty stressed out. Breathe" And so I did. And what would have normally worked me up was really no big deal. Everything was still there, so hey, that's a great lesson on how society is not all bad right?
As for dad, the jury is still out on whether or not the procedure worked completely, but so far, it looks promising. I ordered us all pizza for lunch and dad was really happy about that saying that he had been thinking about ordering himself pizza for quite a while but didn't want to just get it for himself. :( I hated leaving him that afternoon and I would have stayed longer but I had to teach a final class in a childbirth class series that night. I allowed myself to acknowledge my conflicting responsibilities and allowed myself to accept them and not feel guilty (well, maybe not AS guilty as I would have in the past. ;-)). So we hauled our way back, in heavy traffic, with just enough time to drop the boys off, unpack and head back to work. I taught my class and had people stay after to talk to me until well after 10pm (class ends at 8:30) which is usually a good sign that people enjoyed class. :-)
Wednesday I had some appointments in my office that I had to reschedule from Tuesday and then I was home that night and caught up on some birth center work and replied to e-mails. Thursday was thankfully a fun farmers market morning and then I covered a class for another instructor and we had lots of laughter. However, on the way to class that night, I managed to leave my plastic water cup on the roof of my car and drove off. I still don't know where the thing ended up, but I'm seeing a trend in plastic water cups trying to get my attention. ;-) Once again I thought to myself, "okay...still stressed...breathe...ground...center" and I did. And instead of falling apart (see the previous plastic cup moment), it was no big deal. Okay...so I felt a little stupid, but I acknowledged it as another attention getting moment and listened. And decided to stay away from the plastic cups for a while...
Friday, it was back up north in the most drenching rain and hail I think I have ever driven in. Did I mention I hate driving? I left at 5:20am in the midst of a big thunder and lightning storm. The rain and hail was intense. The kind where you can't see the road. White knuckle driving for sure. And I had some very extreme moments of thinking, "I can't do this!" I seriously considered pulling over at one point and calling my best friend and telling her I wasn't going to make it to her ultrasound because I simply couldn't do this. And then...I re-centered. I took some very deep breaths. I focused. I still hated it, but I could do it. And finally, the weather broke. And my shoulders relaxed and I was pretty proud of myself on the other side of it. And my reward was getting to see my friend's two babies on ultrasound and find out that she's having both a boy and a girl which brought some seriously happy tears.
I drove home in crazy traffic (but thankfully no rain) and did some school work last night. This weekend is all about writing two final papers. I don't expect to get them both completed, but would like, at least, to get one done. And the weekend will likely come with a lot of re-centering as I find myself getting distracted along the way (you know...by things like...say...blogging! ;-)).
But the underlying theme for this week was my repeated choice to allow events that would have otherwise upset me sort of roll off my back. Okay...that makes it sound too easy. They didn't so much "roll" as I "pushed" them off my body and didn't allow them to stay there and cause me pain. And since Monday morning, my pain has been fairly non-existent. I get moments here and there, but interestingly, when one of those moments happen, I stop and take notice of what is going on in my head and I seem to be able to stop the pain from increasing.
I am under a lot of stress right now. There is no way around that. I have 3 weeks left in both my Masters classes and in the childbirth ed continuing education program I've been taking all summer as well. The business is picking up in my office and I have a client due. My dad still needs more appointments and I need to work on getting him to seriously consider moving. Add that to just the daily stuff of life and it's a lot. And yet, I know I can accomplish it all. I am not letting the stress eat at me. I am managing it. I am breathing a LOT. I am grounding myself. And I'm okay.
Don't get me wrong, I certainly still have my moments, but I am becoming consciously aware of my body and its reactions and I am automatically forcing myself to stop and pay attention instead of letting everything build up. This takes work and effort. But it is the choice I'm making and so far it's having a positive effect on my life. And THAT is what keeps me working at it! :-)
Okay...back to work on these final papers...
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Time for another tactic
Okay...so another little disclaimer...some of you will not be able to connect with this post. Some of you will connect with it in a big way. If it doesn't resonate with you, that's okay. Just ignore it. :-)
So...this was a tough week. Monday through Wednesday wore me down. The pain ticked me off and sort of broke me a bit. That surgery, that enormous life-changing, conquered my fears in a big way surgery was supposed to be my moment. I was going to be rewarded with no pain. Go me. But that was not what was happening. Instead, I found myself staring at my funky belly button in the mirror and wondering exactly what went on during those 25 minutes that tools were inside of me. I wondered if my belly button was just always going to be a reminder of something I accomplished, but that didn't have the desired outcome. And I found myself in a pretty dark place. I've been there before. I know that place well, but it's been a LONG time since I was there. Everything began to be too much. Little things piled upon little things piled upon big things. I was breaking. I knew I was breaking. And I simply didn't have the energy to stop the fall. And part of me didn't care. Part of me felt that if I fell into a big pile of pieces on the floor then the world would have to stop for a bit so I could put myself back together.
I am fascinated with the mind. I am fascinated by the fact that I can be breaking into little pieces and still get up and go to work and do what needs to be done and no one knows. Does that ever strike you? There are hundreds of thousands of people that go through their days like that. Do you ever look into people's eyes on the street and wonder if they are breaking inside? I do. A lot.
And so I worked. I'm good at what I do and I admit, my work gives me some peace. I did my school work. I arranged another appointment for my dad. I took care of my kids and smiled and laughed with them. Good lord, what would I do without those kids who make me laugh every day? And then I lost it in text messages to my husband who likely got them while he was sitting at his desk, or in a meeting, at work and wondering what the hell he was supposed to do with me. :0
By Thursday morning, I was a wreck. But Thursdays are Farmers Market day and I look forward to spending the morning with the boys walking through the market. As we're getting ready to walk out the door, I drop a fully loaded plastic water cup on the floor. It seems to be pulled out of my hand by some force and in slow motion I watch it fall to the ground, knowing before it strikes the floor, that it is going to shatter. And shatter it does...plastic everywhere and 16 oz of water all over the kitchen floor. And that was it. That was all I had. I said out loud to my boys that I needed a minute to fall apart and fall apart I did. I hate when I do that in front of my kids (well...I left the room...). But at the same time, we talked about it later and how releasing emotions are good, speaking our voice is good, yada, yada, yada. It still sucks to see your mom fall apart.
I had an appointment scheduled with my ND at 1pm and in that moment, on my hands and knees cleaning my floor, I wanted to cancel. I did NOT want to go. I wasn't in any place to be open to anything she had to say and I just didn't care. But out of obligation and not wanting to cancel at the last minute, and some voice in the back of my head saying I MUST go, I didn't cancel.
We made it to the market and it was nice. And then we flew home, I dropped off the boys and I drove back to Tacoma to see my ND. I walked in to her office and the tears wouldn't stop. What a release. I told her I was in a really bad place. In a flood of tears and words, I spilled so much about today, and yesterday, and 20 years ago and 43 years ago and everything in between. Whew.
And then I let go. I opened up and I was ready for what she had to show me. And for the next 2 hours, we worked on grounding meditation. And I sucked it all in and I took it all seriously. And I FELT it. I couldn't get enough. More. Give me more. I wanted more groundings. I wanted more chakra work. Keep going. This was working!
And work it did.
I can't explain grounding meditation in words. There aren't any words to describe it. But everything I have been through in the last several months brought me to that place on Thursday. And I walked away a whole new girl.
I know it sounds silly to some people. But if you ask my husband he will tell you...something switched in me. Completely switched. I connected with my energy...and my energy field is enormous as those of you who know me know. ;-) I had to reel that in a bit. I had to let go of other's people energy that I had allowed to latch on to me. I connected with The Earth. I connected with past hurts and that little girl inside of me. I let go of so much I'd been carrying. I found joy. I found peace. And it changed me.
Of course this doesn't mean things are perfect from here on out. I have to continue to practice my meditation daily. And I will because the place I was in on Thursday was fantastic and I would like to stay there! One thing I was warned of is that once we have an energy shift like this, there are forces that will try to push us back to where we were before. I am to expect this. And so I do. But I also know I have the tools to push ahead. I understand myself and the world around me better than ever. I have tapped into the energy that I have been afraid of my entire life. Truly. In 2 hours...game changer.
I have noticed a huge shift in how I react to things. Yesterday I accomplished more than I have in weeks. It was as though there was no way NOT to accomplish stuff. Today I am teaching a one-day childbirth class. This class has worn me down recently. It's taken a lot out of me. Today, I am PUMPED for it. This class has no idea that they are getting my A game. They have no idea how awesome this class is going to be. And normally, I don't plan anything for Saturday nights after a one-day class because I am beat and drained. Tonight, Olly and I are going out. And I'm going to laugh. And I'm going to have fun. My little girl is ready for me to have some fun. I don't have to take on the weight of the world anymore. I've done that for 43 years. I don't have to carry it all anymore. I can be loving and kind and caring and do all of that without carrying the load of everyone. They don't need that from me anyway. No one asked me to carry their stuff. I took that upon myself and that doesn't benefit me or them.
I'm stoked for this class today. I'm stoked for an upcoming birth. I'm stoked to rock out two 15-page papers. I'm stoked to start some new BIG projects. Big, huge projects that I just know are going to happen because...well...because I just KNOW.
I understand now. I truly understand. I think I always have. I was just afraid to go to the place I had to go to acknowledge it. I'm not afraid anymore.
There is so much more to be said about all this. But it's time to teach a class to some awesome expecting parents on the brink of their own life changing event.
I know there will be ups and downs in my continued journey. I'm still working on the pain, but I understand it now. I see it for what it is. And for what it is not. It CANNOT break me.
Watch Out World. There's a new Kelli in town! :-)
So...this was a tough week. Monday through Wednesday wore me down. The pain ticked me off and sort of broke me a bit. That surgery, that enormous life-changing, conquered my fears in a big way surgery was supposed to be my moment. I was going to be rewarded with no pain. Go me. But that was not what was happening. Instead, I found myself staring at my funky belly button in the mirror and wondering exactly what went on during those 25 minutes that tools were inside of me. I wondered if my belly button was just always going to be a reminder of something I accomplished, but that didn't have the desired outcome. And I found myself in a pretty dark place. I've been there before. I know that place well, but it's been a LONG time since I was there. Everything began to be too much. Little things piled upon little things piled upon big things. I was breaking. I knew I was breaking. And I simply didn't have the energy to stop the fall. And part of me didn't care. Part of me felt that if I fell into a big pile of pieces on the floor then the world would have to stop for a bit so I could put myself back together.
I am fascinated with the mind. I am fascinated by the fact that I can be breaking into little pieces and still get up and go to work and do what needs to be done and no one knows. Does that ever strike you? There are hundreds of thousands of people that go through their days like that. Do you ever look into people's eyes on the street and wonder if they are breaking inside? I do. A lot.
And so I worked. I'm good at what I do and I admit, my work gives me some peace. I did my school work. I arranged another appointment for my dad. I took care of my kids and smiled and laughed with them. Good lord, what would I do without those kids who make me laugh every day? And then I lost it in text messages to my husband who likely got them while he was sitting at his desk, or in a meeting, at work and wondering what the hell he was supposed to do with me. :0
By Thursday morning, I was a wreck. But Thursdays are Farmers Market day and I look forward to spending the morning with the boys walking through the market. As we're getting ready to walk out the door, I drop a fully loaded plastic water cup on the floor. It seems to be pulled out of my hand by some force and in slow motion I watch it fall to the ground, knowing before it strikes the floor, that it is going to shatter. And shatter it does...plastic everywhere and 16 oz of water all over the kitchen floor. And that was it. That was all I had. I said out loud to my boys that I needed a minute to fall apart and fall apart I did. I hate when I do that in front of my kids (well...I left the room...). But at the same time, we talked about it later and how releasing emotions are good, speaking our voice is good, yada, yada, yada. It still sucks to see your mom fall apart.
I had an appointment scheduled with my ND at 1pm and in that moment, on my hands and knees cleaning my floor, I wanted to cancel. I did NOT want to go. I wasn't in any place to be open to anything she had to say and I just didn't care. But out of obligation and not wanting to cancel at the last minute, and some voice in the back of my head saying I MUST go, I didn't cancel.
We made it to the market and it was nice. And then we flew home, I dropped off the boys and I drove back to Tacoma to see my ND. I walked in to her office and the tears wouldn't stop. What a release. I told her I was in a really bad place. In a flood of tears and words, I spilled so much about today, and yesterday, and 20 years ago and 43 years ago and everything in between. Whew.
And then I let go. I opened up and I was ready for what she had to show me. And for the next 2 hours, we worked on grounding meditation. And I sucked it all in and I took it all seriously. And I FELT it. I couldn't get enough. More. Give me more. I wanted more groundings. I wanted more chakra work. Keep going. This was working!
And work it did.
I can't explain grounding meditation in words. There aren't any words to describe it. But everything I have been through in the last several months brought me to that place on Thursday. And I walked away a whole new girl.
I know it sounds silly to some people. But if you ask my husband he will tell you...something switched in me. Completely switched. I connected with my energy...and my energy field is enormous as those of you who know me know. ;-) I had to reel that in a bit. I had to let go of other's people energy that I had allowed to latch on to me. I connected with The Earth. I connected with past hurts and that little girl inside of me. I let go of so much I'd been carrying. I found joy. I found peace. And it changed me.
Of course this doesn't mean things are perfect from here on out. I have to continue to practice my meditation daily. And I will because the place I was in on Thursday was fantastic and I would like to stay there! One thing I was warned of is that once we have an energy shift like this, there are forces that will try to push us back to where we were before. I am to expect this. And so I do. But I also know I have the tools to push ahead. I understand myself and the world around me better than ever. I have tapped into the energy that I have been afraid of my entire life. Truly. In 2 hours...game changer.
I have noticed a huge shift in how I react to things. Yesterday I accomplished more than I have in weeks. It was as though there was no way NOT to accomplish stuff. Today I am teaching a one-day childbirth class. This class has worn me down recently. It's taken a lot out of me. Today, I am PUMPED for it. This class has no idea that they are getting my A game. They have no idea how awesome this class is going to be. And normally, I don't plan anything for Saturday nights after a one-day class because I am beat and drained. Tonight, Olly and I are going out. And I'm going to laugh. And I'm going to have fun. My little girl is ready for me to have some fun. I don't have to take on the weight of the world anymore. I've done that for 43 years. I don't have to carry it all anymore. I can be loving and kind and caring and do all of that without carrying the load of everyone. They don't need that from me anyway. No one asked me to carry their stuff. I took that upon myself and that doesn't benefit me or them.
I'm stoked for this class today. I'm stoked for an upcoming birth. I'm stoked to rock out two 15-page papers. I'm stoked to start some new BIG projects. Big, huge projects that I just know are going to happen because...well...because I just KNOW.
I understand now. I truly understand. I think I always have. I was just afraid to go to the place I had to go to acknowledge it. I'm not afraid anymore.
There is so much more to be said about all this. But it's time to teach a class to some awesome expecting parents on the brink of their own life changing event.
I know there will be ups and downs in my continued journey. I'm still working on the pain, but I understand it now. I see it for what it is. And for what it is not. It CANNOT break me.
Watch Out World. There's a new Kelli in town! :-)
Monday, July 9, 2012
The Lessons in Pain
Okay, that's a fancy title to make myself want to write about all I'm learning when in all honesty, today has been rough. It's been 12 days since surgery. As far as the surgery process goes, I feel recovered. The one thing that has been driving me crazy is that I feel as though I've put on a lot (by my definition of a lot) of weight from not exercising and eating more than usual. I wanted a lot of comfort food while recovering and that's not normally how I eat. My plan today was to get things back on track. I got up this morning and rode my exercise bike for 45 minutes as is part of my usual exercise routine. I also normally use a weighted hula hoop and had decided not to do that until my belly button incision is fully healed and I get the okay from my doctor.
It felt GREAT to get back to exercising. Until I stepped off that bike. Holy smokes my pelvis hurt. By the time I made it upstairs and attempted to get my pants off to get in the shower, I was in tears. I had been saying that the pain was at least better than before and that made me feel like the surgery was all worth it, but today blew that out of the water too. The pain is as bad as before. Debilitating kind of bad.
Damn.
So, my post-op appointment was scheduled for today and I figured I needed the pain to be bad so I could have a good discussion with my doctor. And then I got a call telling me that my doctor was called in for a cesarean and I'd need to reschedule. Honestly, that doesn't bother me. I work in this world of pregnancy and birth. I know how this works and I'd rather have the mom having the cesarean have this awesome doctor performing it on her than anyone else, so I was fine with rescheduling. But now it's another week before I can get some answers from her. But I think perhaps I was supposed to have this extra week to figure out some other stuff first.
I've got a book coming in the mail thanks to a wonderful friend's suggestion. It's called When the Body Says No. Here's the link on Amazon if you're interested: http://www.amazon.com/When-Body-Says-Stress-Disease-Connection/dp/0470923350/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1341870687&sr=8-1&keywords=when+the+body+says+no
I read through the pages I could read on Amazon and was struck by the quote, "When we have been prevented from learning to say no, our bodies may end up saying it for us".
~ Sigh ~
So, I just spoke to my ND. Her response to me was, "So you're finally ready for me to work hard on you huh?" She's known me for over a decade now. She knows who I am probably better than almost anyone as far as how I handle stress and my body's response. She said she'd been waiting for this day. And I'm sure she has. Good lord, change is scary. Even the good kind.
As for those lessons...I AM learning. I am living in a world to which I am unaccustomed right now. A world in which pain is a daily companion. I feel so disconnected from myself at times. But boy do I have a new appreciation for people that live in pain daily. My hope is that from this disconnect will actually come a new awareness of myself. It's an interesting place to see in others what you can't see in yourself. I know that's how many of us go about our days. Just today I had a client in my office have a physical response to something she's facing emotionally. It was obvious to me, but confusing to her. Funny how so many people can say the same about me. Even though I knew all this was there...it was much easier ignoring it. And my body has made it clear that there is no more ignoring allowed.
So, my appt with my ND is made. I have been ordered to not work out until I see her on Thursday. Ugh... I have also been ordered to work very hard at being good to myself. Okay...I'll work on that. I have to go into this appointment ready for change. Open to change. Accepting of change. WILLING to change.
I guess that's my challenge for the next 3 days. Gosh, it's frustrating though. I have SO many things that I've been looking to get started on. So many things that I'm passionate about and excited about. But I guess none of them matter if I can't walk huh? For the very first time in my life, I have to put myself first.
This should be interesting...
It felt GREAT to get back to exercising. Until I stepped off that bike. Holy smokes my pelvis hurt. By the time I made it upstairs and attempted to get my pants off to get in the shower, I was in tears. I had been saying that the pain was at least better than before and that made me feel like the surgery was all worth it, but today blew that out of the water too. The pain is as bad as before. Debilitating kind of bad.
Damn.
So, my post-op appointment was scheduled for today and I figured I needed the pain to be bad so I could have a good discussion with my doctor. And then I got a call telling me that my doctor was called in for a cesarean and I'd need to reschedule. Honestly, that doesn't bother me. I work in this world of pregnancy and birth. I know how this works and I'd rather have the mom having the cesarean have this awesome doctor performing it on her than anyone else, so I was fine with rescheduling. But now it's another week before I can get some answers from her. But I think perhaps I was supposed to have this extra week to figure out some other stuff first.
I've got a book coming in the mail thanks to a wonderful friend's suggestion. It's called When the Body Says No. Here's the link on Amazon if you're interested: http://www.amazon.com/When-Body-Says-Stress-Disease-Connection/dp/0470923350/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1341870687&sr=8-1&keywords=when+the+body+says+no
I read through the pages I could read on Amazon and was struck by the quote, "When we have been prevented from learning to say no, our bodies may end up saying it for us".
~ Sigh ~
So, I just spoke to my ND. Her response to me was, "So you're finally ready for me to work hard on you huh?" She's known me for over a decade now. She knows who I am probably better than almost anyone as far as how I handle stress and my body's response. She said she'd been waiting for this day. And I'm sure she has. Good lord, change is scary. Even the good kind.
As for those lessons...I AM learning. I am living in a world to which I am unaccustomed right now. A world in which pain is a daily companion. I feel so disconnected from myself at times. But boy do I have a new appreciation for people that live in pain daily. My hope is that from this disconnect will actually come a new awareness of myself. It's an interesting place to see in others what you can't see in yourself. I know that's how many of us go about our days. Just today I had a client in my office have a physical response to something she's facing emotionally. It was obvious to me, but confusing to her. Funny how so many people can say the same about me. Even though I knew all this was there...it was much easier ignoring it. And my body has made it clear that there is no more ignoring allowed.
So, my appt with my ND is made. I have been ordered to not work out until I see her on Thursday. Ugh... I have also been ordered to work very hard at being good to myself. Okay...I'll work on that. I have to go into this appointment ready for change. Open to change. Accepting of change. WILLING to change.
I guess that's my challenge for the next 3 days. Gosh, it's frustrating though. I have SO many things that I've been looking to get started on. So many things that I'm passionate about and excited about. But I guess none of them matter if I can't walk huh? For the very first time in my life, I have to put myself first.
This should be interesting...
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Detour
I've been mulling some stuff over for the past couple of days and I decided that if I'm going to share my journey, I guess I'm going to share the entire thing. A heads up...if you don't want to really know some personal stuff about me...stop reading now! :-)
Last chance...
Okay, don't say I didn't warn you...
So....surgery recovery feels pretty complete. My belly button incision is still pretty ugly, but not swollen anymore. The huge bruise where my IV was is getting smaller day by day. I haven't taken an Ibuprofen since Saturday. I drove a long distance on Monday and spent all day very busy, stayed in a hotel with my boys, took my dad to a doctor's appointment on Tuesday morning, drove home and taught a childbirth class that night. Today I returned to my office and saw some clients. Life is returning to normal. However, one part of that normal that I was hoping not to return has returned. And I've been frustrated and aggravated and confused and honestly, fairly ticked off about it all.
I didn't do much of anything from Wednesday night to Sunday. I just slowly began becoming more and more active. Saturday I noticed some tinges in my pelvis, but contributed them to the healing process. Sunday, I noticed a couple more and insisted that it was just healing and could in no way be the same pain that I had before surgery.
And then I was busy Monday and Tuesday for the first time and was quite active. And there was no more pretending. The pain is back. So far, it's not quite to the same extreme. But it's there. It's the same pain...just to a lesser extent. Even Tuesday night I tried to convince myself I was making it up. I intended to do nothing yesterday to see if I just needed more recovery time. The pain was better. But today it's back.
I said from the beginning...this is BONE pain. I've tried to make that clear. But I was told that I likely was experiencing pain from the ovarian cyst, the uterine growth and then after the laparoscopy, knowing there was scar tissue....it all made sense. It's all cleared up...the pain should be gone. But it's not. Are you kidding me? I did that surgery. I walked through that entire experience. And the pain is still here?
Offering one last emergency exit as it's just going to get more personal from here...
Add to this a new experience that began shortly before surgery. I began having shooting pains from deep inside my left breast. When I say shooting, I mean it felt like someone was stabbing me. This pain has progressed to feeling like a lightning bolt shooting through my breast. It's the oddest feeling. And it's coming more and more often. It's almost like a contraction when it happens. Sometimes it's worse than other times...I can feel it starting and sometimes it will be dull and stop and then other times, the lightning builds and peaks to where it makes me cry and then it slowly goes away. I have to apply tons of pressure to my breast when it happens in order to make it bearable at all.
What. The. Hell????
I admit, I had a break down in the shower yesterday morning. I held quite a pity party. I asked a whole bunch of WHYs and got no answers. I was pissed off. And...probably more so...a little scared.
Now what? More doctors appointments? More tests? I don't have the time or the money to do all that. Not to mention that I have no desire to either.
And then I had a moment of clarity. I have researched pain in women and came up with a lot of interesting things I never knew before. One of the recurring themes however was stress. And in my moment of clarity some things began to ring true to me. I have always carried a high load of stress. It's who I am. And in all honesty, I have always thrived off of it. It's what I know. It's how I live. But...perhaps...just perhaps...that stress is beginning to destroy me.
I have a strong belief system that my mom's cancer came from years and years and years of stress and worry festering inside of her. As I've said before here...my family doesn't communicate well. I learned my stress coping mechanisms...(ie...stuffing it)...from my mom.
Maybe my body is warning me. Maybe, even though I know I have improved tremendously over the last several years, my body is done carrying this burden inside of me. I know how stress can manifest itself in many, many ways. I absolutely know and believe this. I guess I thought I had been doing a good job of managing my stress load over the past several years. Certainly where I'm at now is better than where I used to be. Yet, where I used to be was a REALLY bad place.
I had an interesting quick conversation with my mother-in-law on Saturday about women and stress and I questioned the fact that historically women have always had longer life spans than men. Yet, I am seeing more and more widowers without their wives these days. More and more women are dying at younger ages and before men. Why?? Of course there could be many reasons, but I can't help but think that women carry stress differently than men. We can carry huge loads of stress and do a million things at once and just keep stuffing and stuffing and stuffing. Are we killing ourselves by thinking we can do it all?
And so...one...I'd like to hear from any of you who have been through a laparoscopy and come away with the same amount of pain. And/or...anyone who has had a similar issue to what I'm having in my breast.
But two...I have my post-op visit on Monday. I will mention all this to my doctor. My sense is that she will suggest further testing. I haven't ruled anything out, but I feel my first steps must be something different, something more holistic.
I'm going to work on my diet. I'm going to cut down on the fats. I've been working on losing weight and watching calories and I can do all that. But I want to really watch more than just calories. I want to be much more conscious of what goes into my body. And then I'm going to get some strong training in grounding meditation and am going to try some acupuncture. All of this makes much more sense to me than further tests and procedures. Again, I'm not ruling anything out...I just have to go at this a different way to start.
I was very angry about all of this Tuesday night and most of yesterday. I carried a huge headache around all day yesterday and I couldn't shake it. I couldn't understand why I had to go through that stupid surgery for nothing. But it wasn't for nothing. It was far from nothing. Not only did it change my life and my belief system in myself, but I can't even mention how many people have contacted me to tell me how they were impacted by my story in ways I could have never imagined. I had an ovarian cyst. I had a growth in my uterus. I had scar tissue. That was all removed. I got my tubes tied...that is a big plus for me in all honesty. Anyone want a supply of condoms?? We've got some to give away! Woot! Woot! :-) See...I can still smile...I can still laugh...I've got some perspective here!
I don't think there is any coincidence that all my pain is coming from very personal, private, intimate parts of my body. I truly don't. My body is trying to tell me something. If you don't have the book "Your body's telling you: Love Yourself" by Lisa Bourbeau, I'd suggest picking it up. I looked up ovarian issues, uterine issues, bone issues and breast issues. I won't spell it all out here right now...but um...wow...way to call me out body. :-O
I'm quite likely half-way through my life. Change is not easy, but I believe right now, change is necessary. I am looking at changing the very core of my being...what propels me forward. I feel this change needing to happen. I can feel it churning inside of me. I won't let go of the parts of me I love. I will instead honor them and not be afraid of them. Nor will I push them to the background. But it's time I pay attention to the parts of me that need to change if I'd like to live out the last half of my life in a healthy, and preferably pain-free, way.
So, two weeks ago when I started this blog, I never would have expected to be here today. It's been the most overwhelming two weeks, but there is big stuff coming. BIG I tell you. This won't be simple. There will be mountains to climb at times. I may not make it over the mountains on the first trip, or the second or the third. But I WILL make it. And I will take the love and support all you have given me with me as I keep stepping forward.
I help people for a living. In more than one job. I LOVE what I do. And I will continue to do what I love. But I will do it even better because now I will be helping myself along the way too. I will be taking care of ME too! And in taking care of me, I can better take care of others along the way.
This is still the weirdest thing tossing this all out there for the world to see. But I feel compelled to do so. I'm not the only one experiencing things like this. Maybe some of you will see yourself in some of my words or my experiences. If so...I'd love some company on this journey.
Life is fascinating. The twists and turns are frightening and exciting and exhilarating and terrifying and yet, if you stop and take in the view along the way, it's all beautiful.
One step at a time. One painful, aching step. But I believe with each step forward, I will reduce that pain and the long-term rewards will be incredible and amazing and something that right now, I can't even possibly envision.
Let's see what's on the other side of this first mountain... :-)
Sunday, July 1, 2012
92 Hours Post-Op
What a difference a week makes. I am SO happy to be on this side of surgery. I remember how I was feeling last Sunday and how every decision I made was followed with the thought, "I'm having surgery".
It's been 92 hours since I woke up in recovery. The first 24 were up and down. The second 24 were better. The 3rd 24 were good enough that I managed to go out for appetizers and a drink last night to celebrate. I was concerned I may have over-done it, but this morning I woke feeling like my old self. Really the only pain I have is in my belly button which is the site of the incision and I don't know that I'd actually classify that as pain per se. It's just uncomfortable. And for a jeans wearing girl like myself, that is the biggest issue right now. When I sit, my jeans rub against my belly button so I have them rolled down or unbuckled which is simply not attractive. But that won't last forever. And when I'm not out and about, I'm just sitting around in sweats anyway.
If that is the worst of my complaints, honestly, I am a happy girl. I look back and acknowledge that so much of my fear was in the unknown. I didn't know how my body would react to anesthesia or pain meds. I had never had either before. The anesthesiologist was really quite shocked that he had a 43yr old woman in his OR who had never had any surgery before. I guess I didn't realize how odd that is. My fears revolved around all that unknown. What if I never woke up from anesthesia? What if the pain meds made me incredibly sick? But then I woke up. I survived and now I know if I ever need another surgery, I will wake up. :-) And as for the pain meds...I got one Tordal and one Vicodin in recovery. I took two more Vicodin from the prescription we came home with (anyone need some...I have a full bottle. ;-)). From there, I probably took about 8 regular 200mg OTC Ibuprofen tablets over the following 3 days with the last one being mid-day yesterday, mostly for the headache I couldn't shake. So, apparently I can tolerate Vicodin. Good to know for future knowledge. I'm very thankful there was no infection and I didn't have to figure out what antibiotic I could take considering the fact that I'm allergic to so many. I'm also so interested in the fact that the pain everyone told me about when the CO2 runs through the body never occurred for me. Every single person I talked to told me about the pain in the shoulder. I never got it. Hopefully, it doesn't hit me out of the blue in the next couple of days, but everyone said it would happen on day 2 or 3. Maybe my surgery was so quick that they got most of it out before closing me up? I don't know. I'm not complaining though...I just find it interesting that the one thing I thought I was prepared for never happened. Go figure.
I realize that to many people, a laparscopic surgery is nothing. Heck, people have heart surgery and brain surgery every day. I had a 30 minute surgery...through my belly button. I realize it's nothing to some people. But it was HUGE for me. It's still huge for me. I don't take it lightly at all. Having said that, here on the other side, I can say that I'm grateful for the experience. I don't ever, ever, ever want to go through it again, but I learned SO much about myself and what I truly can do. And it changed my perspective on my life. Yes. A simple 30 minute surgery changed my life view. Perhaps it had to do with the emotions involved in my ovaries and my uterus, perhaps it simply had to do with pushing through something terrifying, perhaps it had to do with the humbling love and care I received from so many people. Likely, it's a little of all of the above. Nonetheless, from the outside, I am the same person (except now I have a scar in my belly button. ;-)), but on the inside, I will never be the same.
There are some things in my life that I've been fearful of doing. Some decisions that I've been holding off on making because of fear. Silly fear really. Self-doubt fear. I don't have that anymore. My self-doubt is nearly non-existent right now. Oh, it might come back. I am certain, I will still be afraid in the future. But right now, this moment...I am confident in who I am. And I LOVE that! I would not be here right now if it weren't for that surgery. And for that, I am incredibly grateful. I have some big stuff coming up in my life. I feel it. I know it's just out there waiting for me to make the leap. I'm ready. Well...almost...give me just a little longer to recover...then Watch Out World!
Time for this blog to move on to some new things in my life. Some exciting things. Projects I'm ready to undertake. Changes I'm ready to make. Keep watching this space. Big things are happening. Crazy that I needed a little surgery as my catalyst, but that's often the way life works. :-) The things we fear the most often turn out to be the things that teach us the most.
Thank you once again to all of you who took this journey with me. To all of you who supported me and Olly with your love, thoughts and prayers. I will never be able to thank you enough. :-)
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