Now as an adult, I know myself enough to know that the dark is where all my anxieties hide and lie in wait to attack. They play tricks on me. During the daylight hours, I've got things handled. I know that surgery is the right thing and I know I'll be okay. After dark, the anxiety pounces and makes me question everything. It awakens my deepest, darkest fears which are, for the most part, irrational. Of course, most of anxiety is irrational. Knowing that doesn't always help.
Yesterday was a good day. I accomplished a lot of work that I needed to get done for school this week so I know I can just take it easy and prepare for the week ahead. I felt good about my decision. I felt comfortable and safe and loved. Then the dark came in and the What Ifs surfaced again and the anxiety zoomed in and out of my consciousness with new things to think about.
Thankfully, the sun always comes up. However, the anxiety made its mark on me last night and I can feel it weighing on me still. I understand it. I acknowledge it. And I'm trying not to let it have power. But it's there.
So I focus on these next three days. Today...I have to complete some work on this continuing ed program I'm doing (in addition to my two masters classes...seriously...THIS is when I have to have surgery! :-O). I'm hopeful I can actually complete the entire program today. And just be able to have all my posts ready as the weeks continue. Tomorrow, it's grocery shopping and making sure I have everything available in the house for the boys and then I have to teach tomorrow night. Tuesday, I am working most the day which I guess will keep me busy. But thinking of working and the pain I'm in isn't pleasant. Thankfully, I can sit most the day.
And then Wednesday will be here. Although, I have to get through three more nights. Three more dark periods of anxiety. My hope is that I'll have more power over them instead of them having more power over me. But we'll see.... I kind of wish I could get out and do something fun, but my pelvis isn't allowing for much in the way of fun these days. Another reason to get this surgery over and done with!
This morning, Olly and I were lying in bed and he grabbed my hand like he usually does. However, I felt it differently this morning. I clung to that hand. He is my safety net right now. I know he is worried. He's having lots of nightmares about random things and I'm sure that's where all his worry plays out. It's not easy being the support person through all this. No one takes care of the support person. But he's my rock right now. Yesterday he installed a new fan in the bathroom and a new shower head that I've long been wanting. He's gone out and picked me up a latte both days this weekend. I know he'll take good care of me next week. I'm so thankful I have him!
Along those lines...many people have asked me how you can help. Really...I don't think we're in need of meals. Olly will be home Thursday and we have picky kids and we'll get them fed. Pizza delivery is always easy. Friday is the day I'm most concerned about as I will be home alone with all three boys. My sense is that we'll order extra pizza on Thursday so they can have it for lunch on Friday. Then my boys will go to their dad's Friday night and Blake will be heading to his grandparents on Saturday. So, for the weekend, it will just be me and Olly and we'll be fine as far as food goes. However, if you are local and you really want to do something that would be incredibly appreciated...there is probably nothing more helpful than for someone to drop by a latte Thursday thru Sunday. Truly...that simple act would be wonderful for both of us. Olly has gone out the last two days to pick one up for me, but to give him a break for those 4 likely busy days for him would be heavenly. So, if you're interested, just reply here or on FB or shoot me off an e-mail to doulakelli@yahoo.com and I'll let you know what we normally drink. It feels weird even asking for anything, but people have asked, so there you go. :-) And it's really just for those 4 days. We don't need anything more. But thank you to all who have offered. I don't expect to be out for too long. I'm not letting this surgery stop me. :-)
So, time to get back to work. Thank you to all of you who keep reading my daily musings. It's still odd for me to be laying it all out there, but I know how much all your support is helping me as I prepare for this surgery and I expect the next few days will be a jumble of emotions that will help to be spewed here. What I'm most looking forward to is reading all these anxiety filled posts AFTER my surgery and when I'm all recovered and knowing I powered through and made it through one of the scariest things I've ever faced. :-)
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