Indecisiveness

Another day, another kink in my plans.  


Apparently surgery is a lot like labor.  You can't plan it.  You can't control it.


Oh wait...I guess that's life.


I hate that part.


Today I had another lovely discussion with the super helpful person in my OB's office.  I love her, love her, love her and so appreciate that she hasn't thrown up her arms in disgust with me yet and given up on me.  She has gone above and beyond with me and I am so thankful for her.


We talked face to face today and she made me copies of all the information about the potential procedures.  We discussed the hysteroscopy (hysteroscope) and I said I was leaning towards that procedure first since it could be done in the office under conscious sedation.  She told me that she could absolutely schedule me but that the next possible date wouldn't be until July 20th in the office.  Ugh...that's too far away...not to mention I have important plans that day that I don't want to break and it's also closing in on the due date of my next client.  So, if I wanted to do the hysteroscopy at the outpatient surgery center, I could get in much sooner....but of course, there's a catch...no conscious sedation...it has to be general anesthesia over there.  Damn.


So, the thing I'm most afraid of...the general anesthesia is on the table one way or another at this point.


If I'm going to have to do general, then I might as well do the whole stinking laparoscopy and get it all over at once.  The reality is, whatever is done during the hysteroscope (removal of the growth...likely a d&c) isn't going to fix this pain in my pelvis.  The doctor is going to have to see what is going on and that's going to take the laparoscopy.


I still don't like it.  None of it.


But right now, what is on the table is either a hysteroscopy by itself or a hysteroscopy and a laparoscopy next Wednesday.  


NEXT Wednesday.


I don't feel like I've had enough time to process.  To really think things through.  


But that's not true.  I've reached out for more information than most people do before a surgery like this.  And this pain in my pelvis is letting me know that I can't take much more time.  And my calendar is open Thursday-Sunday next week.  That rarely happens.  


I'll have to rearrange some stuff on Wednesday.  I'm supposed to attend a doctor's appointment with my dad the following Tuesday and I'm hopeful I can still do that.  But I don't honestly know how I'm going to feel.  I'm being told 5-7 days at least for recovery.  And NO food OR water after Midnight.  The surgery wouldn't be until 3pm.  How in the hell does one do that.  I get so nauseous and light headed if I don't eat.  I was thinking I could actually work Wednesday morning, but I don't know that it's actually possible now.  But I don't just want to sit at home thinking about food either.  Ugh...seriously...this sucks.   


I haven't made up my mind, although I don't feel that there are many choices left on the table.  I have to decide by first thing Monday morning.  It will be a long weekend of decision making.  I am emotionally wiped out.  Exhausted really.  And terrified.  Fear is such a powerful emotion.


And so I did what any sane, rational person would do in the face of great fear.  I completed my living will, main will and power of attorney.  I'm not checking in for surgery without it.  Laugh if you will, but it's one thing I have some control over.


The ONE good thing if I have to go forward with a laparoscopy is that if whatever they find doesn't look like it's going to result in a hysterectomy, then I'm having my tubes tied.  Congrats hubby!  No big V for you!  I expect even better care due to the fact that you are removed from your own VERY SIMPLE procedure because I'm having to face my enormous fears.  ;0


So ahead of me lies a long, emotional, difficult weekend.  I guess I have to look out to next weekend with the hope that I'll be physically recovering, but emotionally feeling better being on the other side of surgery.  


Maybe it's good that come Monday I have to have a decision and if the decision is surgery Wednesday, I don't have a lot of time to stew.  But good lord, surgery next week?  5 days from now?  Surgery?!?!?!


Okay, one breath in, one breath out.  


That is all I need to keep doing.


Now if I could just convince my spinning mind of that.