Another Blog

So, I have once again found my way to blogging.  Some of you may have followed my journey a few years ago through my mom's cancer and eventual death over at http://findingmymom.blogspot.com/ .  It's been close to a year since I've blogged there.  My life has gone on without my mom.  I wasn't sure how I would survive without her, but I've done great things with my life since she has been gone and I know she is looking down and is proud of me.


Yet, what brought me back to blogging actually is tied into my mom in an odd way.  


Over the past year or so, I've been noticing quite a bit of changes in a womanly way (to put it nicely).  I started to believe peri-menopause was beginning.  Each month, each cycle brought something new.  Several months ago I started having some pain in my pelvis.  It wasn't terrible and I didn't pay a lot of attention. 


It seems my pelvis doesn't like to be ignored.


If I back track a little I have to say...I spent some very rough years rebuilding my life after a difficult divorce.  Over those years I did not have any medical insurance.  When you don't have insurance, you don't go to the doctor.  Simple as that.  And I've always been generally healthy and would occasionally check in with my awesome ND to keep my immune system strong, etc.  But the one thing that definitely was pushed to the background was my yearly exams.  I hadn't had one in years.  


I've had insurance for well over a year now, but still hadn't made the time to do that exam.  You know how it is...once you stop doing something, you kind of have a hard time picking it up again.  ;-)  Well, my pelvis and my uterus were no longer happy being in the background and over the past month made it clear there was no more time to wait.  Additionally, there was a voice in my head that was quite recognizable to me as my mother's.  It insisted I pay attention to these signals and get in to see my doctor.


So, after a very difficult cycle, I made a phone call on a Monday and my doctor scheduled me for Wednesday.  As I wrote the appointment on the calendar, I realized that Wednesday was the 6th.  June 6th.  My mom's birthday.  Coincidence?  I don't think so.


My exam resulted in my ND sending me out for an ultrasound based on what she felt manually.  On June 12th, I got to experience the joy of both a full-bladder external ultrasound and the even more joyful vaginal ultrasound.


That afternoon my ND called with the results.  It's never great when the first question is "Where are you right now?".  Ugh...


The results came back showing an ovarian cyst and some sort of uterine growth which was fairly undefinable at this point.  The ovarian cyst brought me to tears simply because it's my ovary.  Damn ovaries.  The cancer inside of them killed my mom.  I know it's not the ovaries' fault, but to know that one of mine was turning against me as my mom's had turned against her kind of rocked me.  However, it turns out that the cyst doesn't seem to be nearly as big of a deal as this crazy "growth" in my uterine wall.  


So, the next step was to meet with an OB.  I am lucky that I work in a world where I know a particularly awesome OB.  I met with her on the 15th.  We talked for some time.  Her recommendation was a laparoscopy.  I could start with a hysteroscope, but she felt that ultimately a laparoscopy was going to be needed.  She was concerned that the debilitating pain I was having didn't match up with the ultrasound results and that there is likely more going on inside of me which is causing the pain.  The words "endometriosis" and my favorite, "Pelvic Congestion" were thrown around.  As was the word "hysterectomy".  


My head reeled.


I have never had surgery.  Nor do I want it.  Or a hysterectomy at 43 years old.


So for a day...I cried.  I lamented over all of this and felt sorry for myself and really, really, really wanted my mom.  This is the kind of stuff a girl needs her mom for.


And then I went in to my normal survival mode.  I decided to ignore it.


And that worked for a couple of days.


And then I attended a very quick, awesome birth yesterday with a family I absolutely adore.  There were so many happy tears.  But after an hour and a half of standing and crouching, I found myself in terrible pain.  I came home and rested for a while and it got better, but then I had to teach a childbirth class and by the time I got home, I could barely move.  It was my pelvis and all the way down my leg.  It was the first time the pain itself made me cry.  I've always considered myself to have a high pain-tolerance, but then again, maybe I've just never had a lot of pain.  I've often said it's mind over matter.  And I've done that for the past year.  It's no longer possible to "think" this pain away.


So today I spent quite a bit of time with the most patient person at my OBs office.  She walked me through the procedures.  She understood my concerns.  My ND was hoping for an MRI, but the OB doesn't feel it's going to show anything more and that ultimately the only way to know for sure what is going on is to get in there.  


I realize that for many people a laparoscopy is no big deal.  But it is a HUGE deal for me.  It is general anesthesia.  It is my abdomen filled with CO2.  It's a tube down my throat.  It is tools INSIDE my body.  None of it feels right to me.


And yet the voice in my head won't shut up.  It's starting to scream at me. 


No more ignoring.


Decisions have to be made.


No more waiting.


And yet, I'm still not ready.  


And so I'm blogging.  I'm putting it out to the universe.  I'm getting it out of my head.  And this post is really just the beginning of what is in my head.  :-0


I am feeling vulnerable.  And I HATE feeling vulnerable. I am strong and I power through.  I can will my way through nearly anything.  I don't stop for illness.  This is knocking me for a loop.  And I know I'm supposed to learn lessons.  But I don't want to learn them.  And yes, I'm psychoanalyzing myself and I understand all of what I am saying and I know what I would say to a client of mine.  I get all that.  But right now I am in this body and I hate this place.  I help others.  It's what I do.  I don't accept help.  I don't slow down.  I don't stop.  And this is making me stop.  It's making everything change.  It's making me have to change my schedule and move things around and reschedule...for my damn uterus.  And the fact that this has to do with my ovaries and my uterus makes me scared and angry.  This is the part of the body that took my mom.


But my mom didn't know it was happening.  She likely had cancer growing in her ovaries YEARS before it was diagnosed.  Everyone tells me that they don't feel this has anything to do with cancer.  My blood work came back fine.  My pap results were normal.  But something is happening inside of me.


And I'm frustrated and conflicted and truly don't know what to do.


So there it is...it's out in the universe for all to see.  I'm not holding it in anymore.  I'm not forcing my husband to be the only one who bears the weight of this thing.  I know he's worried about me and he doesn't know what to say or do.  He needs support too.  It sucks to watch someone you love in pain (physically or emotionally).


So I intend to document my journey forward here.  And then I intend to get past this and get on to the rest of my life because it, in and of itself, is a journey full of crazy ups and downs.


But let me get through particular journey first...


Thanks for sharing it with me.  


For those of you who have experienced a hysteroscope or laparoscopy and/or a hysterectomy, I'd love to hear your experience and  your thoughts, but please don't tell me it's nothing because to me it is most definitely something.  But I'd love first hand experience and/or advice with pre-op/post-op.  Keep in mind, I actually haven't made a decision or an appointment yet.  But I need all the information I can get before I do that.  Also keep in mind that it takes a LOT for me to put this out there and sending "post" is a big deal.  I don't ask for help.  I generally don't need it.  But right now, what I know I need is some good thoughts and support from a large body of people.  And so here I am, raw and vulnerable for all to see.  But I WILL remain strong...I just might need places to fall now and then. 


And now back to your regularly scheduled day... :-)