The Whisper

Well, thank you universe.  I will take that whisper.

Yesterday, I was opening up my office like I always do.  Turning on lights, heating up the coffee pot and tea kettle, and plugging in my iPod for the background music I play.  I have been using this same iPod for years.  I use it in my childbirth classes as well.  And for as long as I have used it, when I first turn it on, it is still set on whatever music was played last.  I had used it on Monday in my office so I expected it to pull up my Nature Sounds music that I always use.

I plugged the iPod in and up came a screen I didn't recognize.  It had a bunch of numbers.  It wasn't even a song.  At first I was confused but it hit me pretty quickly.  And in all honesty, almost buckled my knees.

When my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I decided to record some of my visits with her.  I intended to ask her questions and hear stories, etc., but ultimately, those stories never came to pass.  Nonetheless, I recorded some great conversations and knew I had her voice recorded.  I have never listened to those recordings.  In fact, I wouldn't even know how to find them on my iPod if I tried.  I even flipped out on Olly a few months back because I lost my voice recorder and thought the recordings were actually on that instead of my iPod.  He assured me they were on my iPod, but I had no idea where.

And then, Tuesday morning, my mom's voice was playing in my office.

I lost my breath.  I stood frozen.  I had a client coming in a half hour, I couldn't fall apart.  But I couldn't turn that iPod off.  

Most of the conversation was my brother and sister-in-law and me and Olly and my dad.  My mom spoke every now and then, but I could visualize this day.  I was reliving it.  I remembered the conversations vividly.  I knew exactly where we were all sitting. 

I looked closer at the numbers on my iPod.  20090412.   April 12th, 2009.  A month after mom's diagnosis.  She had just started chemo.  None of us knew that 5 days later, dad would be calling 911 and mom would be taken by ambulance to the Emergency Room where she would have a blood pressure of 47/29 and spend 5 days in the hospital.  I had no idea how much my life was truly going to change in 5 days.  How I would spend almost 5 full days at my mom's side watching her waste away.  Listening to her garble things that didn't make any sense.  Having her look at me confused as to who I was.  Hearing her tell us all "No More". No more fighting this cancer.  Sitting with hospice and feeling as though my world was spinning.  

None of us knew any of this on April 12th, 2009.  

I pulled up my blog that I kept while mom was sick.  This was my April 12th post:

http://findingmymom.blogspot.com/2009/04/day-24-easter.html

It was Easter.  My mom's last Easter.  I think we all knew it was her last Easter.  When I listened to my brother and sister-in-law and me talk, it was almost as if we needed to keep talking.  We couldn't stop.  We needed to laugh.  We were overcompensating.  We were masking pain.  I listened to those voices and underneath all the laughter, I truly could hear the pain.

This was my post from April 18th after I finally came home from a long stay at the hospital:

http://findingmymom.blogspot.com/2009/04/day-29-30-quality-vs-quantity.html

All of this came flooding back as I listened to those voices on that recording.  All the things I knew were coming that I didn't know back then.  And since then, I've been too busy to let go...until I sat down to type this.  I knew I needed to get it out.  I needed to share this experience.  And I needed to let the feelings flow.  And boy, are those tears flowing now.

I just looked up September 18th, 2009 - 3 years ago yesterday.  This was that post:

http://findingmymom.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-183-reality.html

It was the last day of mom's stomach being drained.  Shortly thereafter, things got increasingly worse.  Within a couple of weeks, she was nearly comatose.  And then she was gone.  

October 13th, 2009.   It will be 3 years in about 3 weeks.

3 years that came flooding back in my mom's voice while I stood transfixed in my office.  I know that date is approaching.  I think about it nearly every day.  This time of year is full of reflection for me.

But I have NO idea how that happened on my iPod yesterday.  Absolutely none.  

However, I asked the universe to try whispers for me instead of shouts to get my attention.

Yesterday, that whisper was heard.

It was almost as if I was being told, "Look how far you have come!"  There in my office that I have worked so hard for.  In my space, where I find peace.  It was as time stood still and I journeyed through three years of my life in about 20 minutes and ended up back in my body, standing in my office, realizing all that I have accomplished in those 3 years.  

Things are in flux right now in my life.  I am under a lot of stress.  I understand this.  I'm working on it.  Life has times like this.  We have to go through these times of flux in order to find those times of stability.  But it's all a cyclical process.  We don't stay in those stable places forever.  And each time the times of flux come, we are to learn something. 

Yesterday, that whisper told me to remember what I have already survived.  To remember the strength inside of me.  To believe in myself.  To believe I am capable of handling anything life doles out to me.  

That whisper was as powerful, probably more so, than any shout offered to me by the universe. 

Thank you universe.  Message  heard.  Loud and Clear.

Don't Google, Don't Google, Don't Google...

Damn. 

Last week I learned that I'm going to lose one of my teeth.  Really?  Apparently this is my year of medical procedures.  :0  But, I can keep fighting with what is left of this particular tooth or just let it go and get it out of my mouth.  However, first I have to handle another tooth that's giving me trouble.  Argh...teeth stuff just ticks me off.  But what got to me more than all of that today was when my dentist looked at me and said, "So...what's your stress level?".

Damn.

I thought I was making some good progress on my stress level.  I thought I was doing a great job slowing down my thinking and my stress responses.  But this is all apparently harder than I'd like to admit after living a lifetime in this body, and spending most of my life handling stress the same way.  It took a lifetime to get here.  It won't be an overnight change.  But now I'm manifesting through my teeth?  Ugh.

Okay, so I do have a bit of a anatomical issue with my jaw I've had my entire life.  Nonetheless, having my dentist tell me that my jaw "never relaxes" was just another stinking "relaxing" issue.  Really?  My jaw can't relax?  Come on...this is getting a little ridiculous.

So, maybe it's not a year about medical procedures.  It is more likely that the medical procedures are the universe's way of getting my attention.  Again.  I am not one that responds to messages delivered in a whisper unfortunately.  I need some dramatic announcement when a message is delivered to me.  And that's what I'm getting.

I've been dealing with some serious emotions as of late.  Since my surgery I have been struggling with some fairly extreme digestive issues as well as a change in my menstrual cycles and then the thing that honestly has pushed me over the edge is some ridiculous weight issues.  No matter what I do, I can't lose weight.  Not only am I not losing, but I am working out 90 minutes a day and eating no more than 1500 calories a day (on the 5 days a week I work out...about 1000 calories on the 2 days a week I don't work out) and I am GAINING.  So, then...I Google.  I Google "Weight gain after..." and the first thing that pops up is Tubal Ligation.  

Damn.

Do I stop Googling?  Nope.  I want to find out that this is a fluke.  Instead I find page after page after page of negative stuff about tubal ligations.  And I am beyond ticked off about this.  Why didn't I look for all of this ahead of time?  Why did I go into this without researching?  I know better than that!  What the hell was I thinking?  Oh yeah...I wasn't thinking much back then except, OH MY GOD, I HAVE TO HAVE SURGERY!  

So, for several days I feel sorry for myself.  And really ticked off at myself.  I can't turn this back.  I can't change things.  There are people out there saying they gained over 100lbs in the first year post tubal!!!  WHAT?!?!?!?!  

Today I made a decision to stop Googling.  I have to stop making people's stories on the internet my story.  Those stories are NOT my story.  Perhaps the issue is a hormonal imbalance that may occur because of the tubal, but maybe even more so could be the fact that most tubals are done around the same time women have significant hormonal changes anyway.  

I can work with this.  I WILL work with this.  Next week I will see my ND and we'll work on my hormones.  Those stories will not be my stories.  That surgery was supposed to be full of positive lessons.  I came away with a new outlook.  That surgery CANNOT breed negativity.  It simply can't.  And I won't let it.

It's been a rough year.  But you have to weather the storms to find the rainbow.

Time to pay some more attention again. Work harder on my grounding meditation.  Stop stuffing my stress.  Time to remind myself that it's just one day at a time.  Dramatic change takes time.  Our brain will always return to what is familiar.  

This year I will have had a polyp, a cyst, scar tissue and a tooth removed from my body.  I'd like to keep all future non-welcome guests out of my body and keep the rest of the parts which came with me when I entered the world.  So, once again, I hear you universe.  I'm trying.  How about we find some middle ground between the the whisper and this ridiculous continuous shout of yours?  

I know...I know...that's really up to me.

Damn.