Of course I've always known how much power our brain has over our life. I teach about it all the time. But I am immensely fascinated when something happens in my own life to show me this power.
As you know, I've been in some pretty bad pain. A week ago was likely the worst. That pain was necessary for me to make a decision to do this surgery. I know it was. I had to get out of the pain and the surgery was the out.
I made the decision on Friday. But nothing was confirmed until yesterday morning. Saturday I was still in quite a bit of pain. Sunday was off and on. Yesterday the pain had shifted. Today...again...different pain. Manageable. Tolerable. It's as though once my brain made the decision, the pain could ease. It knows it's going to get treated. It truly is the most interesting thing to me.
Of course, then there's the ridiculous part of my brain that says I needed that pain to keep me motivated. I pictured hardly being able to walk into the surgical center because of the pain and being ready to just do the surgery to get rid of the pain.
Now how do I do that? I'm going to walk in feeling just fine? What the heck do I need the surgery for then?
But I know I need it. I guess that's the trick here. The pain caused my brain to make a decision. Upon making the decision, my brain allowed my body to relax. The decision has been made. There's no turning back. Although, if I had the time, there is a huge part of me that wants to do my own scientific experiment and cancel my appointment just to see what would happen with the pain.
Don't worry...I'm not going to cancel the appointment. But I can't help but wonder...
So, although my brain power has benefited me when it comes to the pain, I can say it's still working overtime in lots of other ways. My favorite now is the dream where I am under anesthesia but in my head I'm awake and I just can't tell anyone and I can feel everything. I wake up sweating and in a panic from that reoccurring dream. Good times. It started as a dream of waking up during the surgery, but that must have been too easy to be fixed with more anesthesia. Now my brain has managed to go a step further. Thankfully, those thoughts pass when my day begins. But I have to admit, I'm not looking forward to tonight.
Tonight is the night before my surgery. Tomorrow night, it will all be over, but I'll be recovering. My body will be different. It will be trying to figure out what happened and it will likely be in pain in ways I haven't been in pain before. I know I can recover from this thing. I just don't like the idea of being forced to slow down. And yet, I also know it's what I probably need more than anything in my life right now. Some time to slow down.
I'm worried about Olly. I'm worried about my boys. I'm worried about making sure bills get paid. I'm worried about falling behind in school. I'm worried about what is going to be found during this surgery. I'm worried about what isn't found during the surgery. I gotta say...I got that worry gene from my mom and it's a powerful one. I can find something to worry about at all times. And right now, there are plenty of things readily accessible.
But for now...it's off to work...then home...then back to work. The hours are counting down. We're at 31 & 1/2. The last five days have seemed to move in slow motion. I'm experiencing everything differently. It's a good different, but I am very aware of what is approaching in everything I do. When the Starbucks barista or grocery cashier asks me how I am, I want to scream, "I'm having surgery!" When I walk to get my mail I think, "I'm having surgery!". When I drive down the street I think, "I'm having surgery!". It permeates everything right now.
It's closing in. Which also means it will soon be over. One step at a time. One moment at a time. THIS moment. Then the next. That's all I have to do. Just like labor. One breath at a time. One moment at a time. Slow down brain...just S L O W down...
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
That is all.
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