Quick post this morning to get this off my chest. It's that time of the month for me. The time that was really no big deal up until about a year ago when it started changing and then six months ago when it REALLY started changing and then three months ago when it was Hell. Two months ago, I had surgery. I had a period right after which was pretty normal. Last month was not enjoyable. This month hasn't even occurred yet, but the prelude is here and it's messing with me.
Last night I found myself in tears over the terrible cramping I was having. I told Olly, apparently for the umpteenth time, "I don't get cramps". He said I've been saying that for six months. Really? That sucks.
But last night got to me. And as I putting freshly cleaned sheets on one of my son's beds, it occurred to me...I was pissed. And that pain was opening up old wounds. And I realized that I might always have this reaction to anything going on inside that part of my body because it is so intimately connected to my core as a woman, where I grew two amazing boys, and to the same body parts that were infected by cancer and killed my mom. I'm apparently still pretty angry that this part of body isn't working with me and that I overcame incredible fear to "fix" things.
I spent last night wondering if another ovarian cyst had manifested itself in there and that really ticked me off because I'm working SO hard not to manifest my emotions in a physical way. But I don't know what's happening in there because I can't see it. Maybe it truly is peri-menopause and it's just crazy hormonal fluctuations.
Whatever it is...I'd like it to stop. But what I realized last night was that I could likely handle the physical stuff if it wasn't connected to such deep emotional stuff. I guess it's just more to work on... yippee... ;-)
So, now that's off my chest and it's on to a FUN weekend...my ovaries are just going to have to comply. :-)
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
The Year of Conquering Fears
Here I am...closing in on two months post surgery. Every morning I am still drawn to that scar in my belly button. I hope it never fully goes away. It reminds me of what I have accomplished. It also reminds me of the journey that I took to get to where I am every single morning. I know I've said it before, but I am not the same girl as I was two months ago. Oh, she's still in there. She still likes to pop up her head and tell me stories, but the other side of me, the new and improved Kelli, knows how to handle her (most the time...I'm not perfect....shhhhhh...don't tell anyone that. ;-)).
I've been working out again for almost four weeks now and I'm back to my full work out on my exercise bike and weighted hula hoop. Next week I'll start adding in my Barre 3 workout (if you've never heard of it, you should check it out). I expect it will kick my ass at the beginning but I'll work my way back up to being able to get through it pretty well. The first day I got back on my bike, I rode 30 minutes and thought I might die. That was depressing. That's what a month off of a regular workout will do to you. But now...4 weeks later, I'm back up to a full 45 minutes at my normal intensity and then another 30 minutes with the hula hoop and my pushups and weights. I FEEL so much better. I have energy again. I can run up the stairs now instead of feeling like the stairs in my house were just simply too much. I am 3 pounds from my pre-surgery weight. I'm pretty happy about that. But regardless of what the scale says, I feel so much better having my daily work out back in my routine.
I feel good. I feel strong. I feel capable. That doesn't mean I don't have to work at all of that. I do. A lot. I still get frustrated and overwhelmed with stuff in my life. That drive up and down I-5 really takes a toll on me. But I'm getting by. I'm grounding. I'm centering. I'm living. I'm working MUCH harder on having FUN. This weekend is a "date weekend" for me and Olly. We're just staying close to home, but I'm working on just letting things flow and flying by the seat of my pants. There is no agenda for this weekend...just fun. :-)
So, speaking of flying by the seat of my pants. My next enormous challenge has shown itself to me. Olly, all 3 boys, and I are flying to North Carolina in October. Did I mention we're flying? Did I mention that I haven't been on a plane since, I think, about 1995? Did I mention that I do NOT like flying?
Hello new challenge!
Olly has a business trip in North Carolina in October. Jonathan's birthday is next month and the boys and I have had a routine the last couple of years of going to Great Wolf Lodge for their birthdays. Jonathan has researched every Great Wolf in the country. He can tell you everything about each one. And he has developed a great desire to travel. Honestly, that kid turns 14 next month and I expect in four short years, he is going to wave good-bye and off he'll go to see the world. Anyway...there is a Great Wolf in North Carolina and my wheels started turning...what if we went with Olly and stayed at the North Carolina Great Wolf instead of our local one this year? I broached the subject with my boys (who have never flown) and the reaction made it clear that I had to make it work. And that I was going to have to conquer another fear this year.
I have to admit that I likely would never have considered this trip if I hadn't had that surgery two months ago. I was in no way ready to get on a plane. But now...well...hell...I survived surgery. I can get on a plane.
Right?
I know hundreds (thousands?) of people get on planes every day. My best friend works for Boeing and thinks I'm crazy for being afraid. I understand all this rationally, but wow, when I picture being on a plane and taking off, my heart starts to race. But I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it for my kids and I'm going to do it for me. And I'm going to do it for that little girl inside of me who needs to have some fun. I'm working very hard on just allowing myself the freedom to go on this trip and just enjoy. Regardless of any variations to the "plan". Can you really plan a trip with three kids?
So, 46 days from now, I will board a plan...and then another one...and then two on the way home. I will give my boys a life experience that they will always remember. We will spend 3 days in North Carolina and then a night on the beach in South Carolina. My boys will be able to say they've seen 2 states on the East Coast and touched the Atlantic Ocean. That's important stuff. And it is NOT surgery!
Admittedly, I like the idea that surgery is on the ground. ;-) Flying through the air makes no sense to me. But it is no growth inside my uterus. :-)
So, last year was the year of everything. I bought a house. I got married. I finished my bachelor's degree. This year is the year of conquering fears. There's something to be said for both of these years and the growth that has occurred in different ways. I am a thinker. I think through every single decision in my life. I am learning that thinking my way through life has its positives, but there are many times in life that should simply happen without much thought. It's time to let that thinking brain take a break now and then.
Perhaps the year of conquering fears can evolve into the year of having fun! :-)
So, stand by, this could be an interesting 46 days of a fascinating battle between my thinking brain and my desire to let go and have fun. It might be quite entertaining for all of you who are reading. You're welcome in advance for the entertainment. :-)
I've been working out again for almost four weeks now and I'm back to my full work out on my exercise bike and weighted hula hoop. Next week I'll start adding in my Barre 3 workout (if you've never heard of it, you should check it out). I expect it will kick my ass at the beginning but I'll work my way back up to being able to get through it pretty well. The first day I got back on my bike, I rode 30 minutes and thought I might die. That was depressing. That's what a month off of a regular workout will do to you. But now...4 weeks later, I'm back up to a full 45 minutes at my normal intensity and then another 30 minutes with the hula hoop and my pushups and weights. I FEEL so much better. I have energy again. I can run up the stairs now instead of feeling like the stairs in my house were just simply too much. I am 3 pounds from my pre-surgery weight. I'm pretty happy about that. But regardless of what the scale says, I feel so much better having my daily work out back in my routine.
I feel good. I feel strong. I feel capable. That doesn't mean I don't have to work at all of that. I do. A lot. I still get frustrated and overwhelmed with stuff in my life. That drive up and down I-5 really takes a toll on me. But I'm getting by. I'm grounding. I'm centering. I'm living. I'm working MUCH harder on having FUN. This weekend is a "date weekend" for me and Olly. We're just staying close to home, but I'm working on just letting things flow and flying by the seat of my pants. There is no agenda for this weekend...just fun. :-)
So, speaking of flying by the seat of my pants. My next enormous challenge has shown itself to me. Olly, all 3 boys, and I are flying to North Carolina in October. Did I mention we're flying? Did I mention that I haven't been on a plane since, I think, about 1995? Did I mention that I do NOT like flying?
Hello new challenge!
Olly has a business trip in North Carolina in October. Jonathan's birthday is next month and the boys and I have had a routine the last couple of years of going to Great Wolf Lodge for their birthdays. Jonathan has researched every Great Wolf in the country. He can tell you everything about each one. And he has developed a great desire to travel. Honestly, that kid turns 14 next month and I expect in four short years, he is going to wave good-bye and off he'll go to see the world. Anyway...there is a Great Wolf in North Carolina and my wheels started turning...what if we went with Olly and stayed at the North Carolina Great Wolf instead of our local one this year? I broached the subject with my boys (who have never flown) and the reaction made it clear that I had to make it work. And that I was going to have to conquer another fear this year.
I have to admit that I likely would never have considered this trip if I hadn't had that surgery two months ago. I was in no way ready to get on a plane. But now...well...hell...I survived surgery. I can get on a plane.
Right?
I know hundreds (thousands?) of people get on planes every day. My best friend works for Boeing and thinks I'm crazy for being afraid. I understand all this rationally, but wow, when I picture being on a plane and taking off, my heart starts to race. But I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it for my kids and I'm going to do it for me. And I'm going to do it for that little girl inside of me who needs to have some fun. I'm working very hard on just allowing myself the freedom to go on this trip and just enjoy. Regardless of any variations to the "plan". Can you really plan a trip with three kids?
So, 46 days from now, I will board a plan...and then another one...and then two on the way home. I will give my boys a life experience that they will always remember. We will spend 3 days in North Carolina and then a night on the beach in South Carolina. My boys will be able to say they've seen 2 states on the East Coast and touched the Atlantic Ocean. That's important stuff. And it is NOT surgery!
Admittedly, I like the idea that surgery is on the ground. ;-) Flying through the air makes no sense to me. But it is no growth inside my uterus. :-)
So, last year was the year of everything. I bought a house. I got married. I finished my bachelor's degree. This year is the year of conquering fears. There's something to be said for both of these years and the growth that has occurred in different ways. I am a thinker. I think through every single decision in my life. I am learning that thinking my way through life has its positives, but there are many times in life that should simply happen without much thought. It's time to let that thinking brain take a break now and then.
Perhaps the year of conquering fears can evolve into the year of having fun! :-)
So, stand by, this could be an interesting 46 days of a fascinating battle between my thinking brain and my desire to let go and have fun. It might be quite entertaining for all of you who are reading. You're welcome in advance for the entertainment. :-)
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