Time for another tactic

Okay...so another little disclaimer...some of you will not be able to connect with this post.  Some of you will connect with it in a big way.  If it doesn't resonate with you, that's okay.  Just ignore it.  :-)

So...this was a tough week.  Monday through Wednesday wore me down.  The pain ticked me off and sort of broke me a bit.  That surgery, that enormous life-changing, conquered my fears in a big way surgery was supposed to be my moment.  I was going to be rewarded with no pain.  Go me.  But that was not what was happening.  Instead, I found myself staring at my funky belly button in the mirror and wondering exactly what went on during those 25 minutes that tools were inside of me.  I wondered if my belly button was just always going to be a reminder of something I accomplished, but that didn't have the desired outcome.  And I found myself in a pretty dark place.  I've been there before.  I know that place well, but it's been a LONG time since I was there.  Everything began to be too much.  Little things piled upon little things piled upon big things.  I was breaking.  I knew I was breaking.  And I simply didn't have the energy to stop the fall.  And part of me didn't care.  Part of me felt that if I fell into a big pile of pieces on the floor then the world would have to stop for a bit so I could put myself back together. 

I am fascinated with the mind.  I am fascinated by the fact that I can be breaking into little pieces and still get up and go to work and do what needs to be done and no one knows.  Does that ever strike you?  There are hundreds of thousands of people that go through their days like that.  Do you ever look into people's eyes on the street and wonder if they are breaking inside?  I do.  A lot. 

And so I worked.  I'm good at what I do and I admit, my work gives me some peace.  I did my school work.  I arranged another appointment for my dad.  I took care of my kids and smiled and laughed with them.  Good lord, what would I do without those kids who make me laugh every day?  And then I lost it in text messages to my husband who likely got them while he was sitting at his desk, or in a meeting, at work and wondering what the hell he was supposed to do with me.  :0

By Thursday morning, I was a wreck.  But Thursdays are Farmers Market day and I look forward to spending the morning with the boys walking through the market.  As we're getting ready to walk out the door, I drop a fully loaded plastic water cup on the floor.  It seems to be pulled out of my hand by some force and in slow motion I watch it fall to the ground, knowing before it strikes the floor, that it is going to shatter.  And shatter it does...plastic everywhere and 16 oz of water all over the kitchen floor.  And that was it.  That was all I had.  I said out loud to my boys that I needed a minute to fall apart and fall apart I did.  I hate when I do that in front of my kids (well...I left the room...).  But at the same time, we talked about it later and how releasing emotions are good, speaking our voice is good, yada, yada, yada.  It still sucks to see your mom fall apart. 

I had an appointment scheduled with my ND at 1pm and in that moment, on my hands and knees cleaning my floor, I wanted to cancel.  I did NOT want to go.  I wasn't in any place to be open to anything she had to say and I just didn't care.  But out of obligation and not wanting to cancel at the last minute, and some voice in the back of my head saying I MUST go, I didn't cancel.

We made it to the market and it was nice.  And then we flew home, I dropped off the boys and I drove back to Tacoma to see my ND.  I walked in to her office and the tears wouldn't stop.  What a release.  I told her I was in a really bad place.  In a flood of tears and words, I spilled so much about today, and yesterday, and 20 years ago and 43 years ago and everything in between.  Whew.

And then I let go.  I opened up and I was ready for what she had to show me.  And for the next 2 hours, we worked on grounding meditation.  And I sucked it all in and I took it all seriously.  And I FELT it.  I couldn't get enough.  More.  Give me more.  I wanted more groundings.  I wanted more chakra work.  Keep going.  This was working!

And work it did.

I can't explain grounding meditation in words.  There aren't any words to describe it.  But everything I have been through in the last several months brought me to that place on Thursday.  And I walked away a whole new girl. 

I know it sounds silly to some people.  But if you ask my husband he will tell you...something switched in me.  Completely switched.  I connected with my energy...and my energy field is enormous as those of you who know me know.  ;-)  I had to reel that in a bit.  I had to let go of other's people energy that I had allowed to latch on to me. I connected with The Earth.  I connected with past hurts and that little girl inside of me.  I let go of so much I'd been carrying.  I found joy.  I found peace.  And it changed me.

Of course this doesn't mean things are perfect from here on out.  I have to continue to practice my meditation daily.  And I will because the place I was in on Thursday was fantastic and I would like to stay there!  One thing I was warned of is that once we have an energy shift like this, there are forces that will try to push us back to where we were before.  I am to expect this.  And so I do.  But I also know I have the tools to push ahead.  I understand myself and the world around me better than ever.  I have tapped into the energy that I have been afraid of my entire life.  Truly.  In 2 hours...game changer. 

I have noticed a huge shift in how I react to things.  Yesterday I accomplished more than I have in weeks.  It was as though there was no way NOT to accomplish stuff.  Today I am teaching a one-day childbirth class.  This class has worn me down recently.  It's taken a lot out of me.  Today, I am PUMPED for it.  This class has no idea that they are getting my A game.  They have no idea how awesome this class is going to be.  And normally, I don't plan anything for Saturday nights after a one-day class because I am beat and drained.  Tonight, Olly and I are going out.  And I'm going to laugh.  And I'm going to have fun.  My little girl is ready for me to have some fun.  I don't have to take on the weight of the world anymore.  I've done that for 43 years.  I don't have to carry it all anymore.  I can be loving and kind and caring and do all of that without carrying the load of everyone.  They don't need that from me anyway.  No one asked me to carry their stuff.  I took that upon myself and that doesn't benefit me or them.

I'm stoked for this class today.  I'm stoked for an upcoming birth.  I'm stoked to rock out two 15-page papers.  I'm stoked to start some new BIG projects.  Big, huge projects that I just know are going to happen because...well...because I just KNOW.

I understand now.  I truly understand.  I think I always have.  I was just afraid to go to the place I had to go to acknowledge it.  I'm not afraid anymore. 

There is so much more to be said about all this.  But it's time to teach a class to some awesome expecting parents on the brink of their own life changing event. 

I know there will be ups and downs in my continued journey.  I'm still working on the pain, but I understand it now.  I see it for what it is.  And for what it is not.  It CANNOT break me.

Watch Out World.  There's a new Kelli in town! :-)