Detour

I've been mulling some stuff over for the past couple of days and I decided that if I'm going to share my journey, I guess I'm going to share the entire thing.  A heads up...if you don't want to really know some personal stuff about me...stop reading now!  :-)

Last chance...

Okay, don't say I didn't warn you...

So....surgery recovery feels pretty complete.  My belly button incision is still pretty ugly, but not swollen anymore.  The huge bruise where my IV was is getting smaller day by day.  I haven't taken an Ibuprofen since Saturday.  I drove a long distance on Monday and spent all day very busy, stayed in a hotel with my boys, took my dad to a doctor's appointment on Tuesday morning, drove home and taught a childbirth class that night.  Today I returned to my office and saw some clients.  Life is returning to normal.  However, one part of that normal that I was hoping not to return has returned.  And I've been frustrated and aggravated and confused and honestly, fairly ticked off about it all.

I didn't do much of anything from Wednesday night to Sunday.  I just slowly began becoming more and more active.  Saturday I noticed some tinges in my pelvis, but contributed them to the healing process.  Sunday, I noticed a couple more and insisted that it was just healing and could in no way be the same pain that I had before surgery.

And then I was busy Monday and Tuesday for the first time and was quite active.  And there was no more pretending.  The pain is back.  So far, it's not quite to the same extreme.  But it's there.  It's the same pain...just to a lesser extent.  Even Tuesday night I tried to convince myself I was making it up.  I intended to do nothing yesterday to see if I just needed more recovery time.  The pain was better.  But today it's back.  

I said from the beginning...this is BONE pain.  I've tried to make that clear.  But I was told that I likely was experiencing pain from the ovarian cyst, the uterine growth and then after the laparoscopy, knowing there was scar tissue....it all made sense.  It's all cleared up...the pain should be gone.  But it's not.  Are you kidding me?  I did that surgery.  I walked through that entire experience.  And the pain is still here?  

Offering one last emergency exit as it's just going to get more personal from here...

Add to this a new experience that began shortly before surgery.  I began having shooting pains from deep inside my left breast.  When I say shooting, I mean it felt like someone was stabbing me.  This pain has progressed to feeling like a lightning bolt shooting through my breast.  It's the oddest feeling.  And it's coming more and more often.  It's almost like a contraction when it happens.  Sometimes it's worse than other times...I can feel it starting and sometimes it will be dull and stop and then other times, the lightning builds and peaks to where it makes me cry and then it slowly goes away.  I have to apply tons of pressure to my breast when it happens in order to make it bearable at all.

What. The. Hell????

I admit, I had a break down in the shower yesterday morning.  I held quite a pity party.  I asked a whole bunch of WHYs and got no answers.  I was pissed off.  And...probably more so...a little scared.  

Now what?  More doctors appointments?  More tests?  I don't have the time or the money to do all that.  Not to mention that I have no desire to either.  

And then I had a moment of clarity.  I have researched pain in women and came up with a lot of interesting things I never knew before.  One of the recurring themes however was stress.  And in my moment of clarity some things began to ring true to me.  I have always carried a high load of stress.  It's who I am.  And in all honesty, I have always thrived off of it.  It's what I know.  It's how I live.  But...perhaps...just perhaps...that stress is beginning to destroy me.  

I have a strong belief system that my mom's cancer came from years and years and years of stress and worry festering inside of her.  As I've said before here...my family doesn't communicate well.  I learned my stress coping mechanisms...(ie...stuffing it)...from my mom.  

Maybe my body is warning me.  Maybe, even though I know I have improved tremendously over the last several years, my body is done carrying this burden inside of me.  I know how stress can manifest itself in many, many ways.  I absolutely know and believe this.  I guess I thought I had been doing a good job of managing my stress load over the past several years.  Certainly where I'm at now is better than where I used to be.  Yet, where I used to be was a REALLY bad place.  

I had an interesting quick conversation with my mother-in-law on Saturday about women and stress and I questioned the fact that historically women have always had longer life spans than men.  Yet, I am seeing more and more widowers without their wives these days.  More and more women are dying at younger ages and before men.  Why??  Of course there could be many reasons, but I can't help but think that women carry stress differently than men.  We can carry huge loads of stress and do a million things at once and just keep stuffing and stuffing and stuffing.  Are we killing ourselves by thinking we can do it all?

And so...one...I'd like to hear from any of you who have been through a laparoscopy and come away with the same amount of pain.  And/or...anyone who has had a similar issue to what I'm having in my breast.  

But two...I have my post-op visit on Monday.  I will mention all this to my doctor.  My sense is that she will suggest further testing.  I haven't ruled anything out, but I feel my first steps must be something different, something more holistic.  

I'm going to work on my diet.  I'm going to cut down on the fats.  I've been working on losing weight and watching calories and I can do all that.  But I want to really watch more than just calories.  I want to be much more conscious of what goes into my body.  And then I'm going to get some strong training in grounding meditation and am going to try some acupuncture.  All of this makes much more sense to me than further tests and procedures.  Again, I'm not ruling anything out...I just have to go at this a different way to start.

I was very angry about all of this Tuesday night and most of yesterday.  I carried a huge headache around all day yesterday and I couldn't shake it.  I couldn't understand why I had to go through that stupid surgery for nothing.  But it wasn't for nothing.  It was far from nothing.  Not only did it change my life and my belief system in myself, but I can't even mention how many people have contacted me to tell me how they were impacted by my story in ways I could have never imagined.  I had an ovarian cyst.  I had a growth in my uterus.  I had scar tissue.  That was all removed.  I got my tubes tied...that is a big plus for me in all honesty.  Anyone want a supply of condoms??  We've got some to give away!  Woot!  Woot!  :-)  See...I can still smile...I can still laugh...I've got some perspective here!  

I don't think there is any coincidence that all my pain is coming from very personal, private, intimate parts of my body.  I truly don't.  My body is trying to tell me something.  If you don't have the book "Your body's telling you: Love Yourself" by Lisa Bourbeau, I'd suggest picking it up.  I looked up ovarian issues, uterine issues, bone issues and breast issues.  I won't spell it all out here right now...but um...wow...way to call me out body.  :-O

I'm quite likely half-way through my life.  Change is not easy, but I believe right now, change is necessary.  I am looking at changing the very core of my being...what propels me forward.  I feel this change needing to happen.  I can feel it churning inside of me.  I won't let go of the parts of me I love.  I will instead honor them and not be afraid of them.  Nor will I push them to the background.  But it's time I pay attention to the parts of me that need to change if I'd like to live out the last half of my life in a healthy, and preferably pain-free, way.  

So, two weeks ago when I started this blog, I never would have expected to be here today.  It's been the most overwhelming two weeks, but there is big stuff coming.  BIG I tell you.  This won't be simple.  There will be mountains to climb at times.  I may not make it over the mountains on the first trip, or the second or the third.  But I WILL make it.  And I will take the love and support all you have given me with me as I keep stepping forward.  

I help people for a living.  In more than one job.  I LOVE what I do.  And I will continue to do what I love.  But I will do it even better because now I will be helping myself along the way too.  I will be taking care of ME too!  And in taking care of me, I can better take care of others along the way.

This is still the weirdest thing tossing this all out there for the world to see.  But I feel compelled to do so.  I'm not the only one experiencing things like this.  Maybe some of you will see yourself in some of my words or my experiences.  If so...I'd love some company on this journey.  

Life is fascinating.  The twists and turns are frightening and exciting and exhilarating and terrifying and yet, if you stop and take in the view along the way, it's all beautiful.  

One step at a time.  One painful, aching step.  But I believe with each step forward, I will reduce that pain and the long-term rewards will be incredible and amazing and something that right now, I can't even possibly envision.

Let's see what's on the other side of this first mountain... :-)