Choose Your Own Adventure

Well, it's been a week since that "new Kelli in town" post.  I've been looking back on this past week and viewing in through this new lens of mine and thought I'd share a little of what I have seen.

This was an INSANE week.  I knew it was going to be.  I was a bit stressed about it all, but there is still this new underlying feeling of "I've got this!" inside of me that propelled me forward this week.  My week started with my post-op visit.  It seemed like it should be momentous, as though confetti should fall from the sky and I would get balloons and, I don't know, maybe some sort of sash or crown or something - ;-) - but it was your average 10 minute doctor's appointment.  A couple of stitches were removed, I mentioned I was still experiencing pain (which was intense that morning - I'll discuss this in a minute) and the doctor  told me that it can take a month for healing to really set in and told me that if I'm still feeling this way a month out then give her a call and we can discuss pain meds that might help.

Um...No.

Meds are not my answer.  This I know.  I'm not saying that they don't help in a lot of situations.  When you read below, you'll see I did take another ibuprofen...I just know that for me, at this time in my life, prescription pain meds are NOT my answer.  And I get frustrated by the medical model of doling out medication so quickly (keep in mind...I LOVE this doctor! I truly do).  But that IS the medical model and it's up to consumers to decide if it's the model for them.  For me...it's not.

So, back to that Monday morning pain.  I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was going on.  It was the worst it had been since surgery really.  I found it interesting that Olly and I were out until 2am on Sunday morning (that's right...I had FUN!) and bowled 5 games that night and my pelvis didn't hurt a bit.  Okay, so maybe this was residual pain from that, but it didn't feel like that's what it was.  Pain did not result from having fun.  It just didn't.

What I found interesting is that it happened on the day of my post-op.  THAT made sense to me.  What also made sense was that after my appointment, the boys and I headed back up north to spend another night in a hotel in preparation for taking my dad in for his own procedure on Tuesday morning.  Now, I do this drive a lot, but I hate it.  I hate sitting in Seattle or Bellevue traffic.  I hate driving in any sort of traffic really.  I LOVE a nice drive through the country with a car passing  now and then, but freeway driving in heavy traffic is not my idea of fun.  Add to that the fact that I was nervous about my dad's appointment and hmmmmm.... interesting reaction body, interesting reaction indeed.  My dad was getting two cortisone shots in his spine to try and relieve his pain.  I needed this to work for him.  He could barely walk.  His next step would be surgery if it didn't work and I'm not sure how my dad would (or could) recover from major surgery.

So, I decided not to force myself to suffer on Monday and I took one OTC ibuprofen.  I'll be honest...I don't know if it was the ibuprofen or the acknowledgement of why I was having pain that helped, but by the end of the day, I was feeling fine.

The boys and I had a nice evening together and then were up early Tuesday morning for my dad's appointment.  I loaded up the car in a few trips.  After the last trip down, we had about a 1/2 hour to hang out so the boys and I just sat in the room for a little bit and then all made our way back down to the car.  As I turned the corner, I see that the hatch on my car is WIDE OPEN!  But hey, all the doors were locked!  :o  Wow...talk about a moment of thinking to myself, "Okay...so you're still pretty stressed out.  Breathe"  And so I did.  And what would have normally worked me up was really no big deal.  Everything was still there, so hey, that's a great lesson on how society is not all bad right?

As for dad, the jury is still out on whether or not the procedure worked completely, but so far, it looks promising.  I ordered us all pizza for lunch and dad was really happy about that saying that he had been thinking about ordering himself pizza for quite a while but didn't want to just get it for himself.  :(  I hated leaving him that afternoon and I would have stayed longer but I had to teach a final class in a childbirth class series that night.  I allowed myself to acknowledge my conflicting responsibilities and allowed myself to accept them and not feel guilty (well, maybe not AS guilty as I would have in the past.  ;-)).  So we hauled our way back, in heavy traffic, with just enough time to drop the boys off, unpack and head back to work.  I taught my class and had people stay after to talk to me until well after 10pm (class ends at 8:30) which is usually a good sign that people enjoyed class.  :-)

Wednesday I had some appointments in my office that I had to reschedule from Tuesday and then I was home that night and caught up on some birth center work and replied to e-mails.  Thursday was thankfully a fun farmers market morning and then I covered a class for another instructor and we had lots of laughter.  However, on the way to class that night, I managed to leave my plastic water cup on the roof of my car and drove off.  I still don't know where the thing ended up, but I'm seeing a trend in plastic water cups trying to get my attention.  ;-)  Once again I thought to myself, "okay...still stressed...breathe...ground...center" and I did.  And instead of falling apart (see the previous plastic cup moment), it was no big deal.  Okay...so I felt a little stupid, but I acknowledged it as another attention getting moment and listened.  And decided to stay away from the plastic cups for a while...

Friday, it was back up north in the most drenching rain and hail I think I have ever driven in.  Did I mention I hate driving?  I left at 5:20am in the midst of a big thunder and lightning storm.  The rain and hail was intense. The kind where you can't see the road.  White knuckle driving for sure.  And I had some very extreme moments of thinking, "I can't do this!"  I seriously considered pulling over at one point and calling my best friend and telling her I wasn't going to make it to her ultrasound because I simply couldn't do this.  And then...I re-centered.  I took some very deep breaths.  I focused.  I still hated it, but I could do it.  And finally, the weather broke.  And my shoulders relaxed and I was pretty proud of myself on the other side of it.  And my reward was getting to see my friend's two babies on ultrasound and find out that she's having both a boy and a girl which brought some seriously happy tears.

I drove home in crazy traffic (but thankfully no rain) and did some school work last night.  This weekend is all about writing two final papers.  I don't expect to get them both completed, but would like, at least, to get one done.  And the weekend will likely come with a lot of re-centering as I find myself getting distracted along the way (you know...by things like...say...blogging! ;-)).

But the underlying theme for this week was my repeated choice to allow events that would have otherwise upset me sort of roll off my back.  Okay...that makes it sound too easy.  They didn't so much "roll" as I "pushed" them off my body and didn't allow them to stay there and cause me pain.  And since Monday morning, my pain has been fairly non-existent.  I get moments here and there, but interestingly, when one of those moments happen, I stop and take notice of what is going on in my head and I seem to be able to stop the pain from increasing.

I am under a lot of stress right now.  There is no way around that. I have 3 weeks left in both my Masters classes and in the childbirth ed continuing education program I've been taking all summer as well.  The business is picking up in my office and I have a client due. My dad still needs more appointments and I need to work on getting him to seriously consider moving.  Add that to just the daily stuff of life and it's a lot.  And yet, I know I can accomplish it all. I am not letting the stress eat at me.  I am managing it.  I am breathing a LOT.  I am grounding myself.  And I'm okay.

Don't get me wrong, I certainly still have my moments, but I am becoming consciously aware of my body and its reactions and I am automatically forcing myself to stop and pay attention instead of letting everything build up.  This takes work and effort.  But it is the choice I'm making and so far it's having a positive effect on my life.  And THAT is what keeps me working at it!  :-)

Okay...back to work on these final papers...