One Month

One month ago today I was hungry.  I was thirsty.  I was scared...no, I was terrified.  


It seems important to mark this day because the past month has been a wild ride.  


That surgery stood for much more than just a way to get out some things from inside of me that shouldn't have been there. 


That surgery was a catalyst for me.  It woke me up.  It made me aware of so many things in my life to which I had been unwilling to see before.


I am not the same person I was a month ago today.  I am stronger.  I am no longer blind to the things in my past or in my present that were holding me back.


I'm not perfect.  I don't have it all figured out.  I still have really rough days.  But I understand SO much more than I did a month ago.  


That surgery was a physical manifestation of years of pent up thoughts and feelings.  I won't let that happen again.  


And today is a good day for a reminder of all that.  


Today I am feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities and things that need to get done.  I am feeling emotional and frustrated.  I'm feeling somewhat angry and resentful.  The old Kelli would have just stuffed all of that.  I'm letting myself feel all of it because I need to.  And then I'll work through it all.  Today is a MUCH better day that a month ago, no matter what I'm feeling.  I'm alive.  I'm healthy.  And I'll make it through the stuff I'm dealing with right now. It's one day at a time.  I don't have to live the next month today.  I just have to live today.  That's such a new place for me to be.  


Starting Monday, I get back to working out.  I'm going to get some of this weight off that I put on over the last month.  I'm going to get back some of the muscle tone I apparently have lost.  I'm looking forward to getting back into that routine.  All of the feelings and emotions are easier to handle when I've put in a good workout.  But that doesn't mean I will stuff those emotions through that workout...it just means I'll have another avenue to handle them a little better.  


But for now...it's back to writing this last paper.  Two weeks left in this semester.  Appointments with my dad.  Clients to see.  A birth to attend.  Classes to teach.  One foot in front of the other.  One step at a time.  


And a reminder to myself that I am alive.  A month ago today, I was scared I wouldn't wake up from anesthesia.  Today I am thrilled there is no anesthesia in my near future and that I am able to feel all I need to feel today.  Difficult emotions are still emotions worth feeling.  And today I'm working on feeling all I need to feel.  Because I can.  :-)