The Lessons in Pain

Okay, that's a fancy title to make myself want to write about all I'm learning when in all honesty, today has been rough.  It's been 12 days since surgery.  As far as the surgery process goes, I feel recovered.  The one thing that has been driving me crazy is that I feel as though I've put on a lot (by my definition of a lot) of weight from not exercising and eating more than usual.  I wanted a lot of comfort food while recovering and that's not normally how I eat.  My plan today was to get things back on track.  I got up this morning and rode my exercise bike for 45 minutes as is part of my usual exercise routine.  I also normally use a weighted hula hoop and had decided not to do that until my belly button incision is fully healed and I get the okay from my doctor.  


It felt GREAT to get back to exercising.  Until I stepped off that bike.  Holy smokes my pelvis hurt.  By the time I made it upstairs and attempted to get my pants off to get in the shower, I was in tears.  I had been saying that the pain was at least better than before and that made me feel like the surgery was all worth it, but today blew that out of the water too.  The pain is as bad as before.  Debilitating kind of bad. 


Damn.


So, my post-op appointment was scheduled for today and I figured I needed the pain to be bad so I could have a good discussion with my doctor.  And then I got a call telling me that my doctor was called in for a cesarean and I'd need to reschedule.  Honestly, that doesn't bother me.  I work in this world of pregnancy and birth.  I know how this works and I'd rather have the mom having the cesarean have this awesome doctor performing it on her than anyone else, so I was fine with rescheduling.  But now it's another week before I can get some answers from her.  But I think perhaps I was supposed to have this extra week to figure out some other stuff first.


I've got a book coming in the mail thanks to a wonderful friend's suggestion.  It's called When the Body Says No.  Here's the link on Amazon if you're interested: http://www.amazon.com/When-Body-Says-Stress-Disease-Connection/dp/0470923350/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1341870687&sr=8-1&keywords=when+the+body+says+no


I read through the pages I could read on Amazon and was struck by the quote, "When we have been prevented from learning to say no, our bodies may end up saying it for us". 


 ~ Sigh ~


So, I just spoke to my ND.  Her response to me was, "So you're finally ready for me to work hard on you huh?"  She's known me for over a decade now.  She knows who I am probably better than almost anyone as far as how I handle stress and my body's response.  She said she'd been waiting for this day.  And I'm sure she has.  Good lord, change is scary.  Even the good kind.


As for those lessons...I AM learning.  I am living in a world to which I am unaccustomed right now.  A world in which pain is a daily companion.  I feel so disconnected from myself at times.  But boy do I have a new appreciation for people that live in pain daily.  My hope is that from this disconnect will actually come a new awareness of myself.  It's an interesting place to see in others what you can't see in yourself.  I know that's how many of us go about our days.  Just today I had a client in my office have a physical response to something she's facing emotionally.  It was obvious to me, but confusing to her.  Funny how so many people can say the same about me.  Even though I knew all this was there...it was much easier ignoring it.  And my body has made it clear that there is no more ignoring allowed.  


So, my appt with my ND is made.  I have been ordered to not work out until I see her on Thursday.  Ugh... I have also been ordered to work very hard at being good to myself.  Okay...I'll work on that.  I have to go into this appointment ready for change.  Open to change.  Accepting of change.  WILLING to change.


I guess that's my challenge for the next 3 days.  Gosh, it's frustrating though.  I have SO many things that I've been looking to get started on.  So many things that I'm passionate about and excited about.  But I guess none of them matter if I can't walk huh?  For the very first time in my life, I have to put myself first.  


This should be interesting...