Damn.
Last week I learned that I'm going to lose one of my teeth. Really? Apparently this is my year of medical procedures. :0 But, I can keep fighting with what is left of this particular tooth or just let it go and get it out of my mouth. However, first I have to handle another tooth that's giving me trouble. Argh...teeth stuff just ticks me off. But what got to me more than all of that today was when my dentist looked at me and said, "So...what's your stress level?".
Damn.
I thought I was making some good progress on my stress level. I thought I was doing a great job slowing down my thinking and my stress responses. But this is all apparently harder than I'd like to admit after living a lifetime in this body, and spending most of my life handling stress the same way. It took a lifetime to get here. It won't be an overnight change. But now I'm manifesting through my teeth? Ugh.
Okay, so I do have a bit of a anatomical issue with my jaw I've had my entire life. Nonetheless, having my dentist tell me that my jaw "never relaxes" was just another stinking "relaxing" issue. Really? My jaw can't relax? Come on...this is getting a little ridiculous.
So, maybe it's not a year about medical procedures. It is more likely that the medical procedures are the universe's way of getting my attention. Again. I am not one that responds to messages delivered in a whisper unfortunately. I need some dramatic announcement when a message is delivered to me. And that's what I'm getting.
I've been dealing with some serious emotions as of late. Since my surgery I have been struggling with some fairly extreme digestive issues as well as a change in my menstrual cycles and then the thing that honestly has pushed me over the edge is some ridiculous weight issues. No matter what I do, I can't lose weight. Not only am I not losing, but I am working out 90 minutes a day and eating no more than 1500 calories a day (on the 5 days a week I work out...about 1000 calories on the 2 days a week I don't work out) and I am GAINING. So, then...I Google. I Google "Weight gain after..." and the first thing that pops up is Tubal Ligation.
Damn.
Do I stop Googling? Nope. I want to find out that this is a fluke. Instead I find page after page after page of negative stuff about tubal ligations. And I am beyond ticked off about this. Why didn't I look for all of this ahead of time? Why did I go into this without researching? I know better than that! What the hell was I thinking? Oh yeah...I wasn't thinking much back then except, OH MY GOD, I HAVE TO HAVE SURGERY!
So, for several days I feel sorry for myself. And really ticked off at myself. I can't turn this back. I can't change things. There are people out there saying they gained over 100lbs in the first year post tubal!!! WHAT?!?!?!?!
Today I made a decision to stop Googling. I have to stop making people's stories on the internet my story. Those stories are NOT my story. Perhaps the issue is a hormonal imbalance that may occur because of the tubal, but maybe even more so could be the fact that most tubals are done around the same time women have significant hormonal changes anyway.
I can work with this. I WILL work with this. Next week I will see my ND and we'll work on my hormones. Those stories will not be my stories. That surgery was supposed to be full of positive lessons. I came away with a new outlook. That surgery CANNOT breed negativity. It simply can't. And I won't let it.
It's been a rough year. But you have to weather the storms to find the rainbow.
Time to pay some more attention again. Work harder on my grounding meditation. Stop stuffing my stress. Time to remind myself that it's just one day at a time. Dramatic change takes time. Our brain will always return to what is familiar.
This year I will have had a polyp, a cyst, scar tissue and a tooth removed from my body. I'd like to keep all future non-welcome guests out of my body and keep the rest of the parts which came with me when I entered the world. So, once again, I hear you universe. I'm trying. How about we find some middle ground between the the whisper and this ridiculous continuous shout of yours?
I know...I know...that's really up to me.
Damn.
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