Old Wounds

Quick post this morning to get this off my chest.  It's that time of the month for me.  The time that was really no big deal up until about a year ago when it started changing and then six months ago when it REALLY started changing and then three months ago when it was Hell.  Two months ago, I had surgery.  I had a period right after which was pretty normal.  Last month was not enjoyable.  This month hasn't even occurred yet, but the prelude is here and it's messing with me.

Last night I found myself in tears over the terrible cramping I was having.  I told Olly, apparently for the umpteenth time, "I don't get cramps".  He said I've been saying that for six months.  Really?  That sucks.  

But last night got to me.  And as I putting freshly cleaned sheets on one of my son's beds, it occurred to me...I was pissed.  And that pain was opening up old wounds.  And I realized that I might always have this reaction to anything going on inside that part of my body because it is so intimately connected to my core as a woman, where I grew two amazing boys, and to the same body parts that were infected by cancer and killed my mom.  I'm apparently still pretty angry that this part of body isn't working with me and that I overcame incredible fear to "fix" things.

I spent last night wondering if another ovarian cyst had manifested itself in there and that really ticked me off because I'm working SO hard not to manifest my emotions in a physical way.  But I don't know what's happening in there because I can't see it.  Maybe it truly is peri-menopause and it's just crazy hormonal fluctuations.

Whatever it is...I'd like it to stop.  But what I realized last night was that I could likely handle the physical stuff if it wasn't connected to such deep emotional stuff.  I guess it's just more to work on... yippee... ;-)

So, now that's off my chest and it's on to a FUN weekend...my ovaries are just going to have to comply.  :-)