Time for another tactic

Okay...so another little disclaimer...some of you will not be able to connect with this post.  Some of you will connect with it in a big way.  If it doesn't resonate with you, that's okay.  Just ignore it.  :-)

So...this was a tough week.  Monday through Wednesday wore me down.  The pain ticked me off and sort of broke me a bit.  That surgery, that enormous life-changing, conquered my fears in a big way surgery was supposed to be my moment.  I was going to be rewarded with no pain.  Go me.  But that was not what was happening.  Instead, I found myself staring at my funky belly button in the mirror and wondering exactly what went on during those 25 minutes that tools were inside of me.  I wondered if my belly button was just always going to be a reminder of something I accomplished, but that didn't have the desired outcome.  And I found myself in a pretty dark place.  I've been there before.  I know that place well, but it's been a LONG time since I was there.  Everything began to be too much.  Little things piled upon little things piled upon big things.  I was breaking.  I knew I was breaking.  And I simply didn't have the energy to stop the fall.  And part of me didn't care.  Part of me felt that if I fell into a big pile of pieces on the floor then the world would have to stop for a bit so I could put myself back together. 

I am fascinated with the mind.  I am fascinated by the fact that I can be breaking into little pieces and still get up and go to work and do what needs to be done and no one knows.  Does that ever strike you?  There are hundreds of thousands of people that go through their days like that.  Do you ever look into people's eyes on the street and wonder if they are breaking inside?  I do.  A lot. 

And so I worked.  I'm good at what I do and I admit, my work gives me some peace.  I did my school work.  I arranged another appointment for my dad.  I took care of my kids and smiled and laughed with them.  Good lord, what would I do without those kids who make me laugh every day?  And then I lost it in text messages to my husband who likely got them while he was sitting at his desk, or in a meeting, at work and wondering what the hell he was supposed to do with me.  :0

By Thursday morning, I was a wreck.  But Thursdays are Farmers Market day and I look forward to spending the morning with the boys walking through the market.  As we're getting ready to walk out the door, I drop a fully loaded plastic water cup on the floor.  It seems to be pulled out of my hand by some force and in slow motion I watch it fall to the ground, knowing before it strikes the floor, that it is going to shatter.  And shatter it does...plastic everywhere and 16 oz of water all over the kitchen floor.  And that was it.  That was all I had.  I said out loud to my boys that I needed a minute to fall apart and fall apart I did.  I hate when I do that in front of my kids (well...I left the room...).  But at the same time, we talked about it later and how releasing emotions are good, speaking our voice is good, yada, yada, yada.  It still sucks to see your mom fall apart. 

I had an appointment scheduled with my ND at 1pm and in that moment, on my hands and knees cleaning my floor, I wanted to cancel.  I did NOT want to go.  I wasn't in any place to be open to anything she had to say and I just didn't care.  But out of obligation and not wanting to cancel at the last minute, and some voice in the back of my head saying I MUST go, I didn't cancel.

We made it to the market and it was nice.  And then we flew home, I dropped off the boys and I drove back to Tacoma to see my ND.  I walked in to her office and the tears wouldn't stop.  What a release.  I told her I was in a really bad place.  In a flood of tears and words, I spilled so much about today, and yesterday, and 20 years ago and 43 years ago and everything in between.  Whew.

And then I let go.  I opened up and I was ready for what she had to show me.  And for the next 2 hours, we worked on grounding meditation.  And I sucked it all in and I took it all seriously.  And I FELT it.  I couldn't get enough.  More.  Give me more.  I wanted more groundings.  I wanted more chakra work.  Keep going.  This was working!

And work it did.

I can't explain grounding meditation in words.  There aren't any words to describe it.  But everything I have been through in the last several months brought me to that place on Thursday.  And I walked away a whole new girl. 

I know it sounds silly to some people.  But if you ask my husband he will tell you...something switched in me.  Completely switched.  I connected with my energy...and my energy field is enormous as those of you who know me know.  ;-)  I had to reel that in a bit.  I had to let go of other's people energy that I had allowed to latch on to me. I connected with The Earth.  I connected with past hurts and that little girl inside of me.  I let go of so much I'd been carrying.  I found joy.  I found peace.  And it changed me.

Of course this doesn't mean things are perfect from here on out.  I have to continue to practice my meditation daily.  And I will because the place I was in on Thursday was fantastic and I would like to stay there!  One thing I was warned of is that once we have an energy shift like this, there are forces that will try to push us back to where we were before.  I am to expect this.  And so I do.  But I also know I have the tools to push ahead.  I understand myself and the world around me better than ever.  I have tapped into the energy that I have been afraid of my entire life.  Truly.  In 2 hours...game changer. 

I have noticed a huge shift in how I react to things.  Yesterday I accomplished more than I have in weeks.  It was as though there was no way NOT to accomplish stuff.  Today I am teaching a one-day childbirth class.  This class has worn me down recently.  It's taken a lot out of me.  Today, I am PUMPED for it.  This class has no idea that they are getting my A game.  They have no idea how awesome this class is going to be.  And normally, I don't plan anything for Saturday nights after a one-day class because I am beat and drained.  Tonight, Olly and I are going out.  And I'm going to laugh.  And I'm going to have fun.  My little girl is ready for me to have some fun.  I don't have to take on the weight of the world anymore.  I've done that for 43 years.  I don't have to carry it all anymore.  I can be loving and kind and caring and do all of that without carrying the load of everyone.  They don't need that from me anyway.  No one asked me to carry their stuff.  I took that upon myself and that doesn't benefit me or them.

I'm stoked for this class today.  I'm stoked for an upcoming birth.  I'm stoked to rock out two 15-page papers.  I'm stoked to start some new BIG projects.  Big, huge projects that I just know are going to happen because...well...because I just KNOW.

I understand now.  I truly understand.  I think I always have.  I was just afraid to go to the place I had to go to acknowledge it.  I'm not afraid anymore. 

There is so much more to be said about all this.  But it's time to teach a class to some awesome expecting parents on the brink of their own life changing event. 

I know there will be ups and downs in my continued journey.  I'm still working on the pain, but I understand it now.  I see it for what it is.  And for what it is not.  It CANNOT break me.

Watch Out World.  There's a new Kelli in town! :-)

The Lessons in Pain

Okay, that's a fancy title to make myself want to write about all I'm learning when in all honesty, today has been rough.  It's been 12 days since surgery.  As far as the surgery process goes, I feel recovered.  The one thing that has been driving me crazy is that I feel as though I've put on a lot (by my definition of a lot) of weight from not exercising and eating more than usual.  I wanted a lot of comfort food while recovering and that's not normally how I eat.  My plan today was to get things back on track.  I got up this morning and rode my exercise bike for 45 minutes as is part of my usual exercise routine.  I also normally use a weighted hula hoop and had decided not to do that until my belly button incision is fully healed and I get the okay from my doctor.  


It felt GREAT to get back to exercising.  Until I stepped off that bike.  Holy smokes my pelvis hurt.  By the time I made it upstairs and attempted to get my pants off to get in the shower, I was in tears.  I had been saying that the pain was at least better than before and that made me feel like the surgery was all worth it, but today blew that out of the water too.  The pain is as bad as before.  Debilitating kind of bad. 


Damn.


So, my post-op appointment was scheduled for today and I figured I needed the pain to be bad so I could have a good discussion with my doctor.  And then I got a call telling me that my doctor was called in for a cesarean and I'd need to reschedule.  Honestly, that doesn't bother me.  I work in this world of pregnancy and birth.  I know how this works and I'd rather have the mom having the cesarean have this awesome doctor performing it on her than anyone else, so I was fine with rescheduling.  But now it's another week before I can get some answers from her.  But I think perhaps I was supposed to have this extra week to figure out some other stuff first.


I've got a book coming in the mail thanks to a wonderful friend's suggestion.  It's called When the Body Says No.  Here's the link on Amazon if you're interested: http://www.amazon.com/When-Body-Says-Stress-Disease-Connection/dp/0470923350/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1341870687&sr=8-1&keywords=when+the+body+says+no


I read through the pages I could read on Amazon and was struck by the quote, "When we have been prevented from learning to say no, our bodies may end up saying it for us". 


 ~ Sigh ~


So, I just spoke to my ND.  Her response to me was, "So you're finally ready for me to work hard on you huh?"  She's known me for over a decade now.  She knows who I am probably better than almost anyone as far as how I handle stress and my body's response.  She said she'd been waiting for this day.  And I'm sure she has.  Good lord, change is scary.  Even the good kind.


As for those lessons...I AM learning.  I am living in a world to which I am unaccustomed right now.  A world in which pain is a daily companion.  I feel so disconnected from myself at times.  But boy do I have a new appreciation for people that live in pain daily.  My hope is that from this disconnect will actually come a new awareness of myself.  It's an interesting place to see in others what you can't see in yourself.  I know that's how many of us go about our days.  Just today I had a client in my office have a physical response to something she's facing emotionally.  It was obvious to me, but confusing to her.  Funny how so many people can say the same about me.  Even though I knew all this was there...it was much easier ignoring it.  And my body has made it clear that there is no more ignoring allowed.  


So, my appt with my ND is made.  I have been ordered to not work out until I see her on Thursday.  Ugh... I have also been ordered to work very hard at being good to myself.  Okay...I'll work on that.  I have to go into this appointment ready for change.  Open to change.  Accepting of change.  WILLING to change.


I guess that's my challenge for the next 3 days.  Gosh, it's frustrating though.  I have SO many things that I've been looking to get started on.  So many things that I'm passionate about and excited about.  But I guess none of them matter if I can't walk huh?  For the very first time in my life, I have to put myself first.  


This should be interesting...

Detour

I've been mulling some stuff over for the past couple of days and I decided that if I'm going to share my journey, I guess I'm going to share the entire thing.  A heads up...if you don't want to really know some personal stuff about me...stop reading now!  :-)

Last chance...

Okay, don't say I didn't warn you...

So....surgery recovery feels pretty complete.  My belly button incision is still pretty ugly, but not swollen anymore.  The huge bruise where my IV was is getting smaller day by day.  I haven't taken an Ibuprofen since Saturday.  I drove a long distance on Monday and spent all day very busy, stayed in a hotel with my boys, took my dad to a doctor's appointment on Tuesday morning, drove home and taught a childbirth class that night.  Today I returned to my office and saw some clients.  Life is returning to normal.  However, one part of that normal that I was hoping not to return has returned.  And I've been frustrated and aggravated and confused and honestly, fairly ticked off about it all.

I didn't do much of anything from Wednesday night to Sunday.  I just slowly began becoming more and more active.  Saturday I noticed some tinges in my pelvis, but contributed them to the healing process.  Sunday, I noticed a couple more and insisted that it was just healing and could in no way be the same pain that I had before surgery.

And then I was busy Monday and Tuesday for the first time and was quite active.  And there was no more pretending.  The pain is back.  So far, it's not quite to the same extreme.  But it's there.  It's the same pain...just to a lesser extent.  Even Tuesday night I tried to convince myself I was making it up.  I intended to do nothing yesterday to see if I just needed more recovery time.  The pain was better.  But today it's back.  

I said from the beginning...this is BONE pain.  I've tried to make that clear.  But I was told that I likely was experiencing pain from the ovarian cyst, the uterine growth and then after the laparoscopy, knowing there was scar tissue....it all made sense.  It's all cleared up...the pain should be gone.  But it's not.  Are you kidding me?  I did that surgery.  I walked through that entire experience.  And the pain is still here?  

Offering one last emergency exit as it's just going to get more personal from here...

Add to this a new experience that began shortly before surgery.  I began having shooting pains from deep inside my left breast.  When I say shooting, I mean it felt like someone was stabbing me.  This pain has progressed to feeling like a lightning bolt shooting through my breast.  It's the oddest feeling.  And it's coming more and more often.  It's almost like a contraction when it happens.  Sometimes it's worse than other times...I can feel it starting and sometimes it will be dull and stop and then other times, the lightning builds and peaks to where it makes me cry and then it slowly goes away.  I have to apply tons of pressure to my breast when it happens in order to make it bearable at all.

What. The. Hell????

I admit, I had a break down in the shower yesterday morning.  I held quite a pity party.  I asked a whole bunch of WHYs and got no answers.  I was pissed off.  And...probably more so...a little scared.  

Now what?  More doctors appointments?  More tests?  I don't have the time or the money to do all that.  Not to mention that I have no desire to either.  

And then I had a moment of clarity.  I have researched pain in women and came up with a lot of interesting things I never knew before.  One of the recurring themes however was stress.  And in my moment of clarity some things began to ring true to me.  I have always carried a high load of stress.  It's who I am.  And in all honesty, I have always thrived off of it.  It's what I know.  It's how I live.  But...perhaps...just perhaps...that stress is beginning to destroy me.  

I have a strong belief system that my mom's cancer came from years and years and years of stress and worry festering inside of her.  As I've said before here...my family doesn't communicate well.  I learned my stress coping mechanisms...(ie...stuffing it)...from my mom.  

Maybe my body is warning me.  Maybe, even though I know I have improved tremendously over the last several years, my body is done carrying this burden inside of me.  I know how stress can manifest itself in many, many ways.  I absolutely know and believe this.  I guess I thought I had been doing a good job of managing my stress load over the past several years.  Certainly where I'm at now is better than where I used to be.  Yet, where I used to be was a REALLY bad place.  

I had an interesting quick conversation with my mother-in-law on Saturday about women and stress and I questioned the fact that historically women have always had longer life spans than men.  Yet, I am seeing more and more widowers without their wives these days.  More and more women are dying at younger ages and before men.  Why??  Of course there could be many reasons, but I can't help but think that women carry stress differently than men.  We can carry huge loads of stress and do a million things at once and just keep stuffing and stuffing and stuffing.  Are we killing ourselves by thinking we can do it all?

And so...one...I'd like to hear from any of you who have been through a laparoscopy and come away with the same amount of pain.  And/or...anyone who has had a similar issue to what I'm having in my breast.  

But two...I have my post-op visit on Monday.  I will mention all this to my doctor.  My sense is that she will suggest further testing.  I haven't ruled anything out, but I feel my first steps must be something different, something more holistic.  

I'm going to work on my diet.  I'm going to cut down on the fats.  I've been working on losing weight and watching calories and I can do all that.  But I want to really watch more than just calories.  I want to be much more conscious of what goes into my body.  And then I'm going to get some strong training in grounding meditation and am going to try some acupuncture.  All of this makes much more sense to me than further tests and procedures.  Again, I'm not ruling anything out...I just have to go at this a different way to start.

I was very angry about all of this Tuesday night and most of yesterday.  I carried a huge headache around all day yesterday and I couldn't shake it.  I couldn't understand why I had to go through that stupid surgery for nothing.  But it wasn't for nothing.  It was far from nothing.  Not only did it change my life and my belief system in myself, but I can't even mention how many people have contacted me to tell me how they were impacted by my story in ways I could have never imagined.  I had an ovarian cyst.  I had a growth in my uterus.  I had scar tissue.  That was all removed.  I got my tubes tied...that is a big plus for me in all honesty.  Anyone want a supply of condoms??  We've got some to give away!  Woot!  Woot!  :-)  See...I can still smile...I can still laugh...I've got some perspective here!  

I don't think there is any coincidence that all my pain is coming from very personal, private, intimate parts of my body.  I truly don't.  My body is trying to tell me something.  If you don't have the book "Your body's telling you: Love Yourself" by Lisa Bourbeau, I'd suggest picking it up.  I looked up ovarian issues, uterine issues, bone issues and breast issues.  I won't spell it all out here right now...but um...wow...way to call me out body.  :-O

I'm quite likely half-way through my life.  Change is not easy, but I believe right now, change is necessary.  I am looking at changing the very core of my being...what propels me forward.  I feel this change needing to happen.  I can feel it churning inside of me.  I won't let go of the parts of me I love.  I will instead honor them and not be afraid of them.  Nor will I push them to the background.  But it's time I pay attention to the parts of me that need to change if I'd like to live out the last half of my life in a healthy, and preferably pain-free, way.  

So, two weeks ago when I started this blog, I never would have expected to be here today.  It's been the most overwhelming two weeks, but there is big stuff coming.  BIG I tell you.  This won't be simple.  There will be mountains to climb at times.  I may not make it over the mountains on the first trip, or the second or the third.  But I WILL make it.  And I will take the love and support all you have given me with me as I keep stepping forward.  

I help people for a living.  In more than one job.  I LOVE what I do.  And I will continue to do what I love.  But I will do it even better because now I will be helping myself along the way too.  I will be taking care of ME too!  And in taking care of me, I can better take care of others along the way.

This is still the weirdest thing tossing this all out there for the world to see.  But I feel compelled to do so.  I'm not the only one experiencing things like this.  Maybe some of you will see yourself in some of my words or my experiences.  If so...I'd love some company on this journey.  

Life is fascinating.  The twists and turns are frightening and exciting and exhilarating and terrifying and yet, if you stop and take in the view along the way, it's all beautiful.  

One step at a time.  One painful, aching step.  But I believe with each step forward, I will reduce that pain and the long-term rewards will be incredible and amazing and something that right now, I can't even possibly envision.

Let's see what's on the other side of this first mountain... :-)

92 Hours Post-Op

What a difference a week makes.  I am SO happy to be on this side of surgery.  I remember how I was feeling last Sunday and how every decision I made was followed with the thought, "I'm having surgery".  

It's been 92 hours since I woke up in recovery.  The first 24 were up and down.  The second 24 were better.  The 3rd 24 were good enough that I managed to go out for appetizers and a drink last night to celebrate.  I was concerned I may have over-done it, but this morning I woke feeling like my old self.  Really the only pain I have is in my belly button which is the site of the incision and I don't know that I'd actually classify that as pain per se.  It's just uncomfortable.  And for a jeans wearing girl like myself, that is the biggest issue right now.  When I sit, my jeans rub against my belly button so I have them rolled down or unbuckled which is simply not attractive.  But that won't last forever.  And when I'm not out and about, I'm just sitting around in sweats anyway.  

If that is the worst of my complaints, honestly, I am a happy girl.  I look back and acknowledge that so much of my fear was in the unknown.  I didn't know how my body would react to anesthesia or pain meds.  I had never had either before.  The anesthesiologist was really quite shocked that he had a 43yr old woman in his OR who had never had any surgery before.  I guess I didn't realize how odd that is.  My fears revolved around all that unknown. What if I never woke up from anesthesia?  What if the pain meds made me incredibly sick?  But then I woke up.  I survived and now I know if I ever need another surgery, I will wake up.  :-)  And as for the pain meds...I got one Tordal and one Vicodin in recovery.  I took two more Vicodin from the prescription we came home with (anyone need some...I have a full bottle.  ;-)).  From there, I probably took about 8 regular 200mg OTC Ibuprofen tablets over the following 3 days with the last one being mid-day yesterday, mostly for the headache I couldn't shake.  So, apparently I can tolerate Vicodin.  Good to know for future knowledge.  I'm very thankful there was no infection and I didn't have to figure out what antibiotic I could take considering the fact that I'm allergic to so many.   I'm also so interested in the fact that the pain everyone told me about when the CO2 runs through the body never occurred for me.  Every single person I talked to told me about the pain in the shoulder.  I never got it.  Hopefully, it doesn't hit me out of the blue in the next couple of days, but everyone said it would happen on day 2 or 3.  Maybe my surgery was so quick that they got most of it out before closing me up?  I don't know.  I'm not complaining though...I just find it interesting that the one thing I thought I was prepared for never happened.  Go figure. 

I realize that to many people, a laparscopic surgery is nothing.  Heck, people have heart surgery and brain surgery every day.  I had a 30 minute surgery...through my belly button.  I realize it's nothing to some people.  But it was HUGE for me.  It's still huge for me.  I don't take it lightly at all.  Having said that, here on the other side, I can say that I'm grateful for the experience.  I don't ever, ever, ever want to go through it again, but I learned SO much about myself and what I truly can do.  And it changed my perspective on my life.  Yes.  A simple 30 minute surgery changed my life view.  Perhaps it had to do with the emotions involved in my ovaries and my uterus, perhaps it simply had to do with pushing through something terrifying, perhaps it had to do with the humbling love and care I received from so many people.  Likely, it's a little of all of the above.  Nonetheless, from the outside, I am the same person (except now I have a scar in my belly button.  ;-)), but on the inside, I will never be the same. 

There are some things in my life that I've been fearful of doing.  Some decisions that I've been holding off on making because of fear.  Silly fear really.  Self-doubt fear.  I don't have that anymore.  My self-doubt is nearly non-existent right now.  Oh, it might come back.  I am certain, I will still be afraid in the future.  But right now, this moment...I am confident in who I am.  And I LOVE that!  I would not be here right now if it weren't for that surgery.  And for that, I am incredibly grateful.  I have some big stuff coming up in my life.  I feel it.  I know it's just out there waiting for me to make the leap.  I'm ready.  Well...almost...give me just a little longer to recover...then Watch Out World!  

Time for this blog to move on to some new things in my life.  Some exciting things.  Projects I'm ready to undertake.  Changes I'm ready to make.  Keep watching this space.  Big things are happening.  Crazy that I needed a little surgery as my catalyst, but that's often the way life works.  :-)  The things we fear the most often turn out to be the things that teach us the most.  

Thank you once again to all of you who took this journey with me.  To all of you who supported me and Olly with your love, thoughts and prayers.  I will never be able to thank you enough.  :-)

Day 2 Post-Op

Just a quick post today because I simply can't sit for long...


This has been an experience.


I am not taking the lessons lightly.


From this experience I will be a better Doula, a better Childbirth Educator, a better Gerontologist, a better Counselor, a better Friend, a better Daughter, a better Wife, a better Mother, simply a better Human Being.


From this experience I will appreciate the little things more and try not to get wrapped up in things that aren't important...and even those that are.  It's all one day at a time.  None of us knows what tomorrow holds.  This experiences reinforces that for me.


Life needed me to slow down and pay attention.  


I am paying attention.


I am learning.


I am growing.


That doesn't mean I don't have my missteps.  That doesn't mean I don't get frustrated and annoyed.  But am I learning.  And that's what is important.


And now, it's time to lie back down...again...


And see what lessons come from Day 3 Post-Op.


I'm still very thankful to be on the Post-Op side.  :-)

The Day After

Hey, look, I'm alive!  :-)


There's definitely a different perspective on this side of this surgery.  Of course, I knew that. I'm just glad to have it now.


I have to say, yesterday was probably one of the most difficult days of my life.  I've been through worse obviously, but wow, when I look at some of the big things I've been through in my life, yesterday will definitely rank up towards the top. 


As I mentioned, the day seemed to move in slow motion.  I can remember every move from looking out the window on the drive in, parking, walking in, sitting down in the waiting area, the nurse coming to get me, getting my blood pressure taken (twice...it was HIGH the first time...ya think?!), answering questions, putting on the gown, talking to my doctor and the anesthesiologist and then breaking down in tears.  It all seemed so surreal.  Almost as though I was watching it from outside my body.


Walking into the operating room was the scariest thing I can remember doing in my life.  Every ounce of me wanted to run.  I focused on my breathing the best I could, but I couldn't stop the shaking once I laid on the operating table.  The anesthesiologist went to work quickly trying to find a vein, but my flight or fright response was in full effect at this point and my normally GREAT veins became fairly non-existent.  The first time didn't work, the second time apparently wasn't perfect but I could hear the anesthesiologist and the nurse discussing it and they decided to go with it.  I looked over to say something to the anesthesiologist and then the sedative hit me.  I couldn't keep my eyes open, the room started to spin, I vaguely remember the oxygen mask going on my face and then that was it until I woke up in the recovery room.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BREAK ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


So, as I was writing the above, I had a bit of a set back and a reminder that I did just have surgery yesterday.  I was sitting up typing and I started getting dizzy and Olly mentioned I should probably eat.  My wonderful Julie had brought over a coffee and a scone for me and I finished both of those, but I suppose it was a lot of sugar over some decent protein.  So, I made my way downstairs to look for something to eat, but nothing sounded good.  As I was standing in the kitchen, I felt like I was going to pass out.  I made my way to the couch and sat down.  I asked for some orange juice and guzzled that down.  After sitting for a while, I started to feel better.  I decided it was best for me to lie back down so made my way back upstairs and proceeded to lay down for the past couple of hours.  I feel better again, but not great.  I obviously just over did it (even though I didn't do much), and my body reminded me that I'm not superwoman (whatever...).  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Now where was I~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Oh yeah...so I woke up in recovery and was pretty uncomfortable.  But my first thought was how happy I was to have survived.  :-)  Then I was pleased to get some juice and animal crackers and I asked to have Olly brought in the room.  I was so happy to see him.  :-)  Everything seemed to be so much better simply because I was done.  A very kind nurse was bringing me everything I needed.  The anesthesiologist came in and said, "Well, you're no longer a surgery virgin".  I would have liked to have hung on to that virginity forever, but I guess I should be glad I kept it for 43 years.  And although I'd say that my first experience wasn't too bad...I'd rather not do it again.  ;-)


The nurse read me the note that my doctor left for me.  It was a sweet note and said that she found a lot of things, but nothing too serious which was great to hear.  Turns out I had some scar tissue which had adhered to my intestine and was also sitting on a nerve which she believed was causing the pain.  She also felt that the ovarian cyst was likely causing me pain but said that it was a completely benign cyst.  So, all in all, I think that if losing that cyst and scar tissue was all that was needed, then things couldn't have turned out much better.  The polyp in my uterus will be biopsied and I expect that it will be benign as well.


So, on to recovery.  Last night was uncomfortable.  I took two Vicodin (lost my pain med virginity then too) in recovery and the trip home was pretty miserable.  Over the course of the evening I think I took two more Vicodin but the last one was at 7:30pm.  I slept pretty well all night and then woke up this morning needing to move.  I don't lie in bed for hours and hours and the lying down was getting to me.  My left hand was pretty swollen from the IV and I had to squeeze off my wedding ring.  I iced it and the swelling progressively went down.  Although after my little set back above, it started swelling up again.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~BREAK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Necessary food break.  A nice plate of scrambled eggs and cut up nectarine.   Thanks Olly.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Let's see if I can finish this thing I started hours ago~~~~~~~
  
It's been a good learning experience.  I have to remember that I am human.  My body has been through a major event (I don't give a rip if it's called "minor" surgery...it was major to me...).  I constantly remind new moms that no matter how good they feel, they MUST rest post-birth.  Their body has gone from 2 to 1, they must rest.  I'm learning that I must take my own advice as well.  I know better...but I'm the worst possible patient.  I hate just sitting around.  I hate it.  


Just before I had my little set back, I had asked Olly to go to the health food store to get me some homeopathy.  Then, my set back hit and I no longer wanted him to leave.  I still don't want him to go.  This morning I told him I thought he could go to work tomorrow just fine, but now I'm no longer sure.  


I guess it's just back to taking one moment at a time.  I'm still happier doing that on this side than pre-surgery.


Oh...one final note...I mentioned that I baked brownies to bring with me.  THAT was a very good move.  Someone actually put a sticky note on my chart so that every time someone opened up my chart, it said I was the one that brought the caramel brownies.  The doctor mentioned it, the anesthesiologist mentioned it, the nurse mentioned it and when she walked me into surgery, she announced, "This is Kelli, she brought the brownies" and the room erupted in a cheer and thank yous.  If I had been in a better place and not scared to death, I probably would have appreciated it more.  But I gotta tell you...I will ALWAYS bring goodies to any future procedure.  :-)  I highly recommend it.  


Okay, this has been an hours long procedure to get this posted and it's certainly long enough, so I'm going to cut it off and get back to resting for the remainder of the day.  Keep those good thoughts coming as I work my way through the recovery process.  And thank you for all the good thoughts that came my way yesterday.  I felt them all and brought them all with me into the operating room!  :)

Surgery Day

So, here it is.  Just before 6:00am on the day of my surgery.  In the next 12 hours, all this anxiety will be over.  I will have made it through surgery and will have some answers on the other side.  


I'm feeling every sense this morning.  Everything is felt or experienced at a different level.  And I sort of feel as though I'm moving in slow motion.  Every move is deliberate.  It's really the way we should live every day.  I have to remember this.


When I talked to the nurse at the outpatient center yesterday and mentioned I was concerned about not eating or drinking for 15 hours, she said, "Just sleep in until 11:00am".  I thought that was funny then.  At 5:00am this morning, I thought it was even more humorous.  Even though I have to work this morning and I have to be up by 6:30am, I was wide awake at 5:00am.  Sleeping until 11:00am would never have happened.  My brain is too worked up to sleep.  I expect I can do all my sleeping tonight and tomorrow.


After I posted yesterday about my pelvis feeling better, it decided to garner up some attention again and boy, by last night, it was really making itself known.  And although it was painful, I was oddly glad to feel it.  That pain is my motivation to go through all this.  Without it, you'd never be getting me into surgery.


I am practicing what I preach in childbirth classes.  I am breathing.  I am conscious of each breath.  I am utilizing progressive relaxation.  I am remaining positive, even when the anxiety wants to take over.  It's mind over matter.  Today is important.  Today is monumental for me really.  Today opens up a floodgate of emotions and I'm acknowledging that although this surgery may be very common, it is not common to me.  And the emotions involved in this are real.  My mom died from ovarian cancer.  It is my responsibility to be proactive in this part of my body in order to be around for as long as possible.  And that is what I am doing today.


I willingly admit and say out loud that I am scared.  But I will no longer say that I'm terrified.  It's okay to be scared.  And I'm not going to pretend I'm not.  But I will not let that fear control me.  I trust my doctor.  I have an amazing support system surrounding me.  No matter what comes from this surgery.  No matter what is found.  No matter what decisions have to be made, I will be okay.  I know my strength.  Today I just have to dig in and use it.  


I will deliberately walk into that surgical center at 1:45pm today.  I will smile and laugh with the staff.  I will offer a gift of brownies to thank them in advance for the good care they will provide me.  I will hand over my wedding ring, the one my mom wore for 51 years, to Olly.  I will hand him my phone.  The stupid electronic device that attaches me to my busy world 24/7.  I will put on a gown.  I will be wheeled into an OR.  I will acknowledge my fear, but I will joke with the staff.  And then I will go to sleep and my doctor will do her job and will figure out what is happening inside of me.  


And then I will wake up.  I will be groggy.  But I will remind myself to breathe.  I will see Olly.  He will put my wedding ring back on my finger.  I'll have some crackers and juice.  I'll spend a little time in recovery with people making sure I'm okay.  I'll talk to my doctor about what she found.  I'll fill my pain medication prescription and then I will go home.


Maybe more decisions will have to be made after today, maybe they won't.  But today is an important step.  I understand that a laparoscopy sounds like a simple procedure, but there is nothing simple about this for me today.  Yet, I will power through it and I WILL come out the other side even better than I go in.  This is big today.  I feel it in every ounce of my body.    I will rock this surgery.  I will do it for my mom, I will do it for my dad, I will do it for my husband, I will do it for my children, I will do it for all the people who are surrounding me with their love and support.  But most importantly, I will do it for me.


Thank you to all of you who have reached out to me and offered me so much support.  I cannot express enough how much it all means to me. 


I'll see you all on the recovery side.  :-)