Lessons from Vacation

Well, I survived four flights over the past week.  I learned that I have a SERIOUS and quite honestly, paralyzing, flying phobia.  I always knew I was not fond of flying, but this week showed me how strong that fear truly is and I didn't like it.  If you asked me today, I would tell you that it would take something BIG to get me on a plane again.  And that makes me sad because I don't want to be held back from things in my life because of fear.  So, I have some work to do.  Goody...more work!  ;)

I also learned that lots of people are afraid of flying, but not everyone has quite the extent of the phobia I have.  And few people understand my fear.  I will be forever grateful to the flight attendant on our last, and most difficult flight into Seattle who saw my fear and worked very hard to continue to reassure me throughout the flight.  What I will forever regret is not being able to hold it together well enough that my insightful 10 year old didn't feel my fear.  He handled himself much better than I did quite honestly.  He'll be talking about this flight in his own therapy someday.  :0

However, this whole experience really taught me a lot about fear and its power.  Not everyone experiences fear the way I do.  I have always been extra sensitive.  I see the world differently than many people.  I worry and think about things I really don't need to worry or think about.  At the same time, I wouldn't want to be a different person.  Does the stress and worry affect my health?  Yes...and that I need to work on.  But I don't want to change my experience of life.  I watched a LOT of people on planes and in airports over the past week and so many people seem to walk through life sort of numb and unfeeling (I'm generalizing).  I saw so many people ignoring other human beings or being rude to one another.  I don't want to ever get to that place.  I like who I am in spite of my fears and anxieties.  Those things are simply my challenges in life.  We all have challenges.  

There were lots of other lessons this week which I appreciated.  One of the big ones was about the pace of life.  The Southeast just seemed to move slower.  I saw very few people who seemed to be in a hurry.  I can tell you that Olly and I absolutely looked like tourists every time we took our cell phones out to text or FB inside a restaurant.  I didn't see anyone else do that in any of the restaurants where we ate.  I'm not sure I've been in a restaurant locally where that isn't happening all the time.  People in the SE seem to actually have a genuine care for other people and they...gasp...actually communicate and pay attention to one another.  I can't say that honestly happens as much out here in the PNW.  Don't get me wrong.  I love it here.  I can't imagine living anywhere else.  And I always kind of liked to joke about those of us out here who can't even have a meal without FBing (myself included).  But those phones stuck out like a sore thumb in the SE.  

I thought part of it might just be population as it seemed like there were simply less people in NC and SC but then I looked up the population numbers and there are about 3 million MORE people in NC than in Washington State.  It certainly didn't feel that way.  There was MUCH less traffic, so many fewer crowds.   I could drive North Carolina traffic any day.  It is nothing like Seattle traffic.  Of course, 2/3 of our population is on the Western side of the state where I live.  Nonetheless, there are more people per square mile in both NC and SC than there is in Washington State.  Yet, for whatever reason, the world seemed to move more slowly there and it wasn't just because I was on vacation.  It was a very tangible difference to me and admittedly, I kind of miss that slower pace, even though I'm not sure this PNW girl could handle it long-term.

Another very large lesson for me came at Great Wolf Lodge on our first day.  As I sat in the water park and looked around, I was struck by the fact that most of the employees throughout the lodge were African American.  However, most of the guests were White.  This bothered me a LOT.  I was really struck by this racial disparity and have carried home my feelings about this situation.  Jonathan and I had a long discussion about it.  We live in a corner of the world where, of course, discrimination still exists.  But no where have I ever felt such a difference than sitting in that water park and feeling incredibly WHITE and privileged.  I didn't enjoy the feeling.  And then on night two to watch the Hendricks family (NASCAR) walk through the water park for their family fun night, it was really quite shocking to see the amount of money and privilege that seemed to walk in with them.  It was almost tangible, as though I could touch it.  I wondered if any of them felt the way I did or noticed the disparity.  I am certain many of the employees noticed it.  It was definitely an enlightening and eye-opening experience and one that I will never forget.

On lighter notes, here's a list of other differences...mostly just silly but humorous:

* "Y'all" - gosh I love that phrase - it should be used more!  :-)

* WAY more smokers.  Most places had ash trays outside.  Our hotels had ash trays on the decks outside.  I haven't seen an ash tray in a public place in a LONG time out here.

* There are small cemeteries laid out on the side of the road all over the place in SC.  I would have loved to have had the time to stop and look through them.

* Brick houses!!  Gosh, I love brick houses.  But they are not popular out here due to the fact they tend to crumble in an earthquake.  I suppose they hold up great in a hurricane.  But gosh, I love them.  I always have.  To see all those beautiful brick homes, almost all with big front porches and rocking chairs.  Ahhhhh...I just loved it!  And LAND...houses have land in the SE!!

* There was rice in the salt dispensers at restaurants.  Can anyone answer this for me?  We figured it had to do with keeping the moisture out due to the humidity?

* I saw a sugar dispenser for the first time in years.  All the sugar comes in packets out here (where I am anyway).  Olly looked around the table and said, "There's no sugar".  I pointed out the big dispenser in the middle of the table and we both asked when the last time was when we had seen one of them.  They seem much more environmentally friendly and seem to tie in with that slower pace of life thing from above.  :-)

* The Atlantic Ocean is so WARM!  As soon as we got to our hotel, I changed clothes and headed down to get my feet in that ocean.  I stood on the sand and waited for the next wave and braced myself for the cold that never came.  That water is INCREDIBLE.  Wow.  At the same time, the Atlantic is much more calm than the Pacific and I missed the power of the Pacific.  The Pacific seemed to be the angry big brother to the Atlantic.  Of course, I am sure that's different during a hurricane, but I have never seen the Pacific Ocean as calm as the Atlantic was when I there.  Of course, that's the North Pacific and the South Atlantic too so there are those North and South differences as well.

* I apparently need to live near mountains.  I missed the mountains a lot while I was gone.  I felt like I was missing my security blanket.  It felt so odd to look out and not see mountains.  I kind of felt like I was going to fall off the edge of the Earth.

* Gas prices were SO much better in the SE than here in the NW!!  Of course, saying gas between $3.40 and $3.60 is good is still kind of sad.  But it's better than $4.00 gas here.

Upon returning home on Saturday, I really felt such a strong feeling of "home".  Things that used to drive me nuts, no longer seemed to bother me.  Just going to the grocery store was enjoyable when any other time I would complain about the grocery store on a Sunday.  I learned how much I love the NW.  Of course, I always knew that, but going away for a week made me love it even more.  There were some beautiful things about the SE.  Some things I wish I could have brought back here.  But this is home for me and I love it here.  And apparently, others do too.  Every time we mentioned we were from Seattle, people reacted by telling us their Seattle story or saying they've heard how beautiful it is out here.  :-)

It was odd to see some changes that have taken place since I've been gone.  I was only gone for 6 days and I came home to a whole new season.  Fall has arrived here and I LOVE it.  I left during an 80 day dry streak and came home to my comfortable Fall weather.  Granted, I didn't enjoy driving in it all day yesterday but I am still happy it's here.  5 days ago I was standing in the warm Atlantic Ocean and people were lying on the beach.  In October!  It was wonderful...but odd.  THIS rain is October for me.  :-)

There's a new building down the street from me that I didn't even know was being built.  Um...I was only gone a week!  And all the walls are up.  Weird.  My grocery store moved all their cart returns.  I'm a creature of habit and have parked the same place every time I go to the store because of the placement of the cart return.  And they moved it!  :o  Guess that's what I get for going away for a week.  ;-)

And there's nothing better than the love of three cats who are SUPER excited to see you when you walk in the door.  :-)

It was a fun week full of ups and downs and life lessons.  Yep...I know some of you are travelers and think I'm ridiculous to have all these insights after one week on the other side of the country, but for me, this was a big deal.  I haven't traveled in 17 years.   I was much younger then.  I look at the world differently now.  I experience life differently.  And this was an interesting week.  My children traveled for the first time.  They saw a different side of the country.  They touched the Atlantic Ocean.  That was important for me.  But there were many more lessons learned and life lived.  This has been a very interesting year in my life and there are still 2 1/2 months to go!

The Whisper

Well, thank you universe.  I will take that whisper.

Yesterday, I was opening up my office like I always do.  Turning on lights, heating up the coffee pot and tea kettle, and plugging in my iPod for the background music I play.  I have been using this same iPod for years.  I use it in my childbirth classes as well.  And for as long as I have used it, when I first turn it on, it is still set on whatever music was played last.  I had used it on Monday in my office so I expected it to pull up my Nature Sounds music that I always use.

I plugged the iPod in and up came a screen I didn't recognize.  It had a bunch of numbers.  It wasn't even a song.  At first I was confused but it hit me pretty quickly.  And in all honesty, almost buckled my knees.

When my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I decided to record some of my visits with her.  I intended to ask her questions and hear stories, etc., but ultimately, those stories never came to pass.  Nonetheless, I recorded some great conversations and knew I had her voice recorded.  I have never listened to those recordings.  In fact, I wouldn't even know how to find them on my iPod if I tried.  I even flipped out on Olly a few months back because I lost my voice recorder and thought the recordings were actually on that instead of my iPod.  He assured me they were on my iPod, but I had no idea where.

And then, Tuesday morning, my mom's voice was playing in my office.

I lost my breath.  I stood frozen.  I had a client coming in a half hour, I couldn't fall apart.  But I couldn't turn that iPod off.  

Most of the conversation was my brother and sister-in-law and me and Olly and my dad.  My mom spoke every now and then, but I could visualize this day.  I was reliving it.  I remembered the conversations vividly.  I knew exactly where we were all sitting. 

I looked closer at the numbers on my iPod.  20090412.   April 12th, 2009.  A month after mom's diagnosis.  She had just started chemo.  None of us knew that 5 days later, dad would be calling 911 and mom would be taken by ambulance to the Emergency Room where she would have a blood pressure of 47/29 and spend 5 days in the hospital.  I had no idea how much my life was truly going to change in 5 days.  How I would spend almost 5 full days at my mom's side watching her waste away.  Listening to her garble things that didn't make any sense.  Having her look at me confused as to who I was.  Hearing her tell us all "No More". No more fighting this cancer.  Sitting with hospice and feeling as though my world was spinning.  

None of us knew any of this on April 12th, 2009.  

I pulled up my blog that I kept while mom was sick.  This was my April 12th post:

http://findingmymom.blogspot.com/2009/04/day-24-easter.html

It was Easter.  My mom's last Easter.  I think we all knew it was her last Easter.  When I listened to my brother and sister-in-law and me talk, it was almost as if we needed to keep talking.  We couldn't stop.  We needed to laugh.  We were overcompensating.  We were masking pain.  I listened to those voices and underneath all the laughter, I truly could hear the pain.

This was my post from April 18th after I finally came home from a long stay at the hospital:

http://findingmymom.blogspot.com/2009/04/day-29-30-quality-vs-quantity.html

All of this came flooding back as I listened to those voices on that recording.  All the things I knew were coming that I didn't know back then.  And since then, I've been too busy to let go...until I sat down to type this.  I knew I needed to get it out.  I needed to share this experience.  And I needed to let the feelings flow.  And boy, are those tears flowing now.

I just looked up September 18th, 2009 - 3 years ago yesterday.  This was that post:

http://findingmymom.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-183-reality.html

It was the last day of mom's stomach being drained.  Shortly thereafter, things got increasingly worse.  Within a couple of weeks, she was nearly comatose.  And then she was gone.  

October 13th, 2009.   It will be 3 years in about 3 weeks.

3 years that came flooding back in my mom's voice while I stood transfixed in my office.  I know that date is approaching.  I think about it nearly every day.  This time of year is full of reflection for me.

But I have NO idea how that happened on my iPod yesterday.  Absolutely none.  

However, I asked the universe to try whispers for me instead of shouts to get my attention.

Yesterday, that whisper was heard.

It was almost as if I was being told, "Look how far you have come!"  There in my office that I have worked so hard for.  In my space, where I find peace.  It was as time stood still and I journeyed through three years of my life in about 20 minutes and ended up back in my body, standing in my office, realizing all that I have accomplished in those 3 years.  

Things are in flux right now in my life.  I am under a lot of stress.  I understand this.  I'm working on it.  Life has times like this.  We have to go through these times of flux in order to find those times of stability.  But it's all a cyclical process.  We don't stay in those stable places forever.  And each time the times of flux come, we are to learn something. 

Yesterday, that whisper told me to remember what I have already survived.  To remember the strength inside of me.  To believe in myself.  To believe I am capable of handling anything life doles out to me.  

That whisper was as powerful, probably more so, than any shout offered to me by the universe. 

Thank you universe.  Message  heard.  Loud and Clear.

Don't Google, Don't Google, Don't Google...

Damn. 

Last week I learned that I'm going to lose one of my teeth.  Really?  Apparently this is my year of medical procedures.  :0  But, I can keep fighting with what is left of this particular tooth or just let it go and get it out of my mouth.  However, first I have to handle another tooth that's giving me trouble.  Argh...teeth stuff just ticks me off.  But what got to me more than all of that today was when my dentist looked at me and said, "So...what's your stress level?".

Damn.

I thought I was making some good progress on my stress level.  I thought I was doing a great job slowing down my thinking and my stress responses.  But this is all apparently harder than I'd like to admit after living a lifetime in this body, and spending most of my life handling stress the same way.  It took a lifetime to get here.  It won't be an overnight change.  But now I'm manifesting through my teeth?  Ugh.

Okay, so I do have a bit of a anatomical issue with my jaw I've had my entire life.  Nonetheless, having my dentist tell me that my jaw "never relaxes" was just another stinking "relaxing" issue.  Really?  My jaw can't relax?  Come on...this is getting a little ridiculous.

So, maybe it's not a year about medical procedures.  It is more likely that the medical procedures are the universe's way of getting my attention.  Again.  I am not one that responds to messages delivered in a whisper unfortunately.  I need some dramatic announcement when a message is delivered to me.  And that's what I'm getting.

I've been dealing with some serious emotions as of late.  Since my surgery I have been struggling with some fairly extreme digestive issues as well as a change in my menstrual cycles and then the thing that honestly has pushed me over the edge is some ridiculous weight issues.  No matter what I do, I can't lose weight.  Not only am I not losing, but I am working out 90 minutes a day and eating no more than 1500 calories a day (on the 5 days a week I work out...about 1000 calories on the 2 days a week I don't work out) and I am GAINING.  So, then...I Google.  I Google "Weight gain after..." and the first thing that pops up is Tubal Ligation.  

Damn.

Do I stop Googling?  Nope.  I want to find out that this is a fluke.  Instead I find page after page after page of negative stuff about tubal ligations.  And I am beyond ticked off about this.  Why didn't I look for all of this ahead of time?  Why did I go into this without researching?  I know better than that!  What the hell was I thinking?  Oh yeah...I wasn't thinking much back then except, OH MY GOD, I HAVE TO HAVE SURGERY!  

So, for several days I feel sorry for myself.  And really ticked off at myself.  I can't turn this back.  I can't change things.  There are people out there saying they gained over 100lbs in the first year post tubal!!!  WHAT?!?!?!?!  

Today I made a decision to stop Googling.  I have to stop making people's stories on the internet my story.  Those stories are NOT my story.  Perhaps the issue is a hormonal imbalance that may occur because of the tubal, but maybe even more so could be the fact that most tubals are done around the same time women have significant hormonal changes anyway.  

I can work with this.  I WILL work with this.  Next week I will see my ND and we'll work on my hormones.  Those stories will not be my stories.  That surgery was supposed to be full of positive lessons.  I came away with a new outlook.  That surgery CANNOT breed negativity.  It simply can't.  And I won't let it.

It's been a rough year.  But you have to weather the storms to find the rainbow.

Time to pay some more attention again. Work harder on my grounding meditation.  Stop stuffing my stress.  Time to remind myself that it's just one day at a time.  Dramatic change takes time.  Our brain will always return to what is familiar.  

This year I will have had a polyp, a cyst, scar tissue and a tooth removed from my body.  I'd like to keep all future non-welcome guests out of my body and keep the rest of the parts which came with me when I entered the world.  So, once again, I hear you universe.  I'm trying.  How about we find some middle ground between the the whisper and this ridiculous continuous shout of yours?  

I know...I know...that's really up to me.

Damn.

Old Wounds

Quick post this morning to get this off my chest.  It's that time of the month for me.  The time that was really no big deal up until about a year ago when it started changing and then six months ago when it REALLY started changing and then three months ago when it was Hell.  Two months ago, I had surgery.  I had a period right after which was pretty normal.  Last month was not enjoyable.  This month hasn't even occurred yet, but the prelude is here and it's messing with me.

Last night I found myself in tears over the terrible cramping I was having.  I told Olly, apparently for the umpteenth time, "I don't get cramps".  He said I've been saying that for six months.  Really?  That sucks.  

But last night got to me.  And as I putting freshly cleaned sheets on one of my son's beds, it occurred to me...I was pissed.  And that pain was opening up old wounds.  And I realized that I might always have this reaction to anything going on inside that part of my body because it is so intimately connected to my core as a woman, where I grew two amazing boys, and to the same body parts that were infected by cancer and killed my mom.  I'm apparently still pretty angry that this part of body isn't working with me and that I overcame incredible fear to "fix" things.

I spent last night wondering if another ovarian cyst had manifested itself in there and that really ticked me off because I'm working SO hard not to manifest my emotions in a physical way.  But I don't know what's happening in there because I can't see it.  Maybe it truly is peri-menopause and it's just crazy hormonal fluctuations.

Whatever it is...I'd like it to stop.  But what I realized last night was that I could likely handle the physical stuff if it wasn't connected to such deep emotional stuff.  I guess it's just more to work on... yippee... ;-)

So, now that's off my chest and it's on to a FUN weekend...my ovaries are just going to have to comply.  :-)

The Year of Conquering Fears

Here I am...closing in on two months post surgery.  Every morning I am still drawn to that scar in my belly button.  I hope it never fully goes away.  It reminds me of what I have accomplished.  It also reminds me of the journey that I took to get to where I am every single morning.  I know I've said it before, but I am not the same girl as I was two months ago.  Oh, she's still in there.  She still likes to pop up her head and tell me stories, but the other side of me, the new and improved Kelli, knows how to handle her (most the time...I'm not perfect....shhhhhh...don't tell anyone that.  ;-)).  

I've been working out again for almost four weeks now and I'm back to my full work out on my exercise bike and weighted hula hoop.  Next week I'll start adding in my Barre 3 workout (if  you've never heard of it, you should check it out).  I expect it will kick my ass at the beginning but I'll work my way back up to being able to get through it pretty well.  The first day I got back on my bike, I rode 30 minutes and thought I might die.  That was depressing. That's what a month off of a regular workout will do to you.  But now...4 weeks later, I'm back up to a full 45 minutes at my normal intensity and then another 30 minutes with the hula hoop and my pushups and weights.  I FEEL so much better.  I have energy again.  I can run up the stairs now instead of feeling like the stairs in my house were just simply too much.  I am 3 pounds from my pre-surgery weight.  I'm pretty happy about that.  But regardless of what the scale says, I feel so much better having my daily work out back in my routine.  

I feel good.  I feel strong.  I feel capable.  That doesn't mean I don't have to work at all of that.  I do.  A lot.  I still get frustrated and overwhelmed with stuff in my life.  That drive up and down I-5 really takes a toll on me.  But I'm getting by.  I'm grounding.  I'm centering.  I'm living.  I'm working MUCH harder on having FUN.  This weekend is a "date weekend" for me and Olly.  We're just staying close to home, but I'm working on just letting things flow and flying by the seat of my pants.  There is no agenda for this weekend...just fun.  :-)

So, speaking of flying by the seat of my pants.  My next enormous challenge has shown itself to me.  Olly, all 3 boys, and I are flying to North Carolina in October.  Did I mention we're flying?  Did I mention that I haven't been on a plane since, I think, about 1995?  Did I mention that I do NOT like flying?  

Hello new challenge!  

Olly has a business trip in North Carolina in October.  Jonathan's birthday is next month and the boys and I have had a routine the last couple of years of going to Great Wolf Lodge for their birthdays.  Jonathan has researched every Great Wolf in the country.  He can tell you everything about each one.  And he has developed a great desire to travel.  Honestly, that kid turns 14 next month and I expect in four short years, he is going to wave good-bye and off he'll go to see the world.  Anyway...there is a Great Wolf in North Carolina and my wheels started turning...what if we went with Olly and stayed at the North Carolina Great Wolf instead of our local one this year?  I broached the subject with my boys (who have never flown) and the reaction made it clear that I had to make it work.  And that I was going to have to conquer another fear this year.

I have to admit that I likely would never have considered this trip if I hadn't had that surgery two months ago.  I was in no way ready to get on a plane.  But now...well...hell...I survived surgery.  I can get on a plane.

Right?

I know hundreds (thousands?) of people get on planes every day.  My best friend works for Boeing and thinks I'm crazy for being afraid.  I understand all this rationally, but wow, when I picture being on a plane and taking off, my heart starts to race.  But I'm going to do it.  I'm going to do it for my kids and I'm going to do it for me.  And I'm going to do it for that little girl inside of me who needs to have some fun.  I'm working very hard on just allowing myself the freedom to go on this trip and just enjoy.  Regardless of any variations to the "plan".  Can you really plan a trip with three kids?  

So, 46 days from now, I will board a plan...and then another one...and then two on the way home.  I will give my boys a life experience that they will always remember.  We will spend 3 days in North Carolina and then a night on the beach in South Carolina.  My boys will be able to say they've seen 2 states on the East Coast and touched the Atlantic Ocean.  That's important stuff.  And it is NOT surgery!  

Admittedly, I like the idea that surgery is on the ground.  ;-)  Flying through the air makes no sense to me.  But it is no growth inside my uterus.  :-)

So, last year was the year of everything.  I bought a house.  I got married.  I finished my bachelor's degree.  This year is the year of conquering fears.  There's something to be said for both of these years and the growth that has occurred in different ways.  I am a thinker.  I think through every single decision in my life.  I am learning that thinking my way through life has its positives, but there are many times in life that should simply happen without much thought.  It's time to let that thinking brain take a break now and then.  

Perhaps the year of conquering fears can evolve into the year of having fun!  :-) 

So, stand by, this could be an interesting 46 days of a fascinating battle between my thinking brain and my desire to let go and have fun.  It might be quite entertaining for all of you who are reading.  You're welcome in advance for the entertainment.  :-)

One Month

One month ago today I was hungry.  I was thirsty.  I was scared...no, I was terrified.  


It seems important to mark this day because the past month has been a wild ride.  


That surgery stood for much more than just a way to get out some things from inside of me that shouldn't have been there. 


That surgery was a catalyst for me.  It woke me up.  It made me aware of so many things in my life to which I had been unwilling to see before.


I am not the same person I was a month ago today.  I am stronger.  I am no longer blind to the things in my past or in my present that were holding me back.


I'm not perfect.  I don't have it all figured out.  I still have really rough days.  But I understand SO much more than I did a month ago.  


That surgery was a physical manifestation of years of pent up thoughts and feelings.  I won't let that happen again.  


And today is a good day for a reminder of all that.  


Today I am feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities and things that need to get done.  I am feeling emotional and frustrated.  I'm feeling somewhat angry and resentful.  The old Kelli would have just stuffed all of that.  I'm letting myself feel all of it because I need to.  And then I'll work through it all.  Today is a MUCH better day that a month ago, no matter what I'm feeling.  I'm alive.  I'm healthy.  And I'll make it through the stuff I'm dealing with right now. It's one day at a time.  I don't have to live the next month today.  I just have to live today.  That's such a new place for me to be.  


Starting Monday, I get back to working out.  I'm going to get some of this weight off that I put on over the last month.  I'm going to get back some of the muscle tone I apparently have lost.  I'm looking forward to getting back into that routine.  All of the feelings and emotions are easier to handle when I've put in a good workout.  But that doesn't mean I will stuff those emotions through that workout...it just means I'll have another avenue to handle them a little better.  


But for now...it's back to writing this last paper.  Two weeks left in this semester.  Appointments with my dad.  Clients to see.  A birth to attend.  Classes to teach.  One foot in front of the other.  One step at a time.  


And a reminder to myself that I am alive.  A month ago today, I was scared I wouldn't wake up from anesthesia.  Today I am thrilled there is no anesthesia in my near future and that I am able to feel all I need to feel today.  Difficult emotions are still emotions worth feeling.  And today I'm working on feeling all I need to feel.  Because I can.  :-)

Choose Your Own Adventure

Well, it's been a week since that "new Kelli in town" post.  I've been looking back on this past week and viewing in through this new lens of mine and thought I'd share a little of what I have seen.

This was an INSANE week.  I knew it was going to be.  I was a bit stressed about it all, but there is still this new underlying feeling of "I've got this!" inside of me that propelled me forward this week.  My week started with my post-op visit.  It seemed like it should be momentous, as though confetti should fall from the sky and I would get balloons and, I don't know, maybe some sort of sash or crown or something - ;-) - but it was your average 10 minute doctor's appointment.  A couple of stitches were removed, I mentioned I was still experiencing pain (which was intense that morning - I'll discuss this in a minute) and the doctor  told me that it can take a month for healing to really set in and told me that if I'm still feeling this way a month out then give her a call and we can discuss pain meds that might help.

Um...No.

Meds are not my answer.  This I know.  I'm not saying that they don't help in a lot of situations.  When you read below, you'll see I did take another ibuprofen...I just know that for me, at this time in my life, prescription pain meds are NOT my answer.  And I get frustrated by the medical model of doling out medication so quickly (keep in mind...I LOVE this doctor! I truly do).  But that IS the medical model and it's up to consumers to decide if it's the model for them.  For me...it's not.

So, back to that Monday morning pain.  I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was going on.  It was the worst it had been since surgery really.  I found it interesting that Olly and I were out until 2am on Sunday morning (that's right...I had FUN!) and bowled 5 games that night and my pelvis didn't hurt a bit.  Okay, so maybe this was residual pain from that, but it didn't feel like that's what it was.  Pain did not result from having fun.  It just didn't.

What I found interesting is that it happened on the day of my post-op.  THAT made sense to me.  What also made sense was that after my appointment, the boys and I headed back up north to spend another night in a hotel in preparation for taking my dad in for his own procedure on Tuesday morning.  Now, I do this drive a lot, but I hate it.  I hate sitting in Seattle or Bellevue traffic.  I hate driving in any sort of traffic really.  I LOVE a nice drive through the country with a car passing  now and then, but freeway driving in heavy traffic is not my idea of fun.  Add to that the fact that I was nervous about my dad's appointment and hmmmmm.... interesting reaction body, interesting reaction indeed.  My dad was getting two cortisone shots in his spine to try and relieve his pain.  I needed this to work for him.  He could barely walk.  His next step would be surgery if it didn't work and I'm not sure how my dad would (or could) recover from major surgery.

So, I decided not to force myself to suffer on Monday and I took one OTC ibuprofen.  I'll be honest...I don't know if it was the ibuprofen or the acknowledgement of why I was having pain that helped, but by the end of the day, I was feeling fine.

The boys and I had a nice evening together and then were up early Tuesday morning for my dad's appointment.  I loaded up the car in a few trips.  After the last trip down, we had about a 1/2 hour to hang out so the boys and I just sat in the room for a little bit and then all made our way back down to the car.  As I turned the corner, I see that the hatch on my car is WIDE OPEN!  But hey, all the doors were locked!  :o  Wow...talk about a moment of thinking to myself, "Okay...so you're still pretty stressed out.  Breathe"  And so I did.  And what would have normally worked me up was really no big deal.  Everything was still there, so hey, that's a great lesson on how society is not all bad right?

As for dad, the jury is still out on whether or not the procedure worked completely, but so far, it looks promising.  I ordered us all pizza for lunch and dad was really happy about that saying that he had been thinking about ordering himself pizza for quite a while but didn't want to just get it for himself.  :(  I hated leaving him that afternoon and I would have stayed longer but I had to teach a final class in a childbirth class series that night.  I allowed myself to acknowledge my conflicting responsibilities and allowed myself to accept them and not feel guilty (well, maybe not AS guilty as I would have in the past.  ;-)).  So we hauled our way back, in heavy traffic, with just enough time to drop the boys off, unpack and head back to work.  I taught my class and had people stay after to talk to me until well after 10pm (class ends at 8:30) which is usually a good sign that people enjoyed class.  :-)

Wednesday I had some appointments in my office that I had to reschedule from Tuesday and then I was home that night and caught up on some birth center work and replied to e-mails.  Thursday was thankfully a fun farmers market morning and then I covered a class for another instructor and we had lots of laughter.  However, on the way to class that night, I managed to leave my plastic water cup on the roof of my car and drove off.  I still don't know where the thing ended up, but I'm seeing a trend in plastic water cups trying to get my attention.  ;-)  Once again I thought to myself, "okay...still stressed...breathe...ground...center" and I did.  And instead of falling apart (see the previous plastic cup moment), it was no big deal.  Okay...so I felt a little stupid, but I acknowledged it as another attention getting moment and listened.  And decided to stay away from the plastic cups for a while...

Friday, it was back up north in the most drenching rain and hail I think I have ever driven in.  Did I mention I hate driving?  I left at 5:20am in the midst of a big thunder and lightning storm.  The rain and hail was intense. The kind where you can't see the road.  White knuckle driving for sure.  And I had some very extreme moments of thinking, "I can't do this!"  I seriously considered pulling over at one point and calling my best friend and telling her I wasn't going to make it to her ultrasound because I simply couldn't do this.  And then...I re-centered.  I took some very deep breaths.  I focused.  I still hated it, but I could do it.  And finally, the weather broke.  And my shoulders relaxed and I was pretty proud of myself on the other side of it.  And my reward was getting to see my friend's two babies on ultrasound and find out that she's having both a boy and a girl which brought some seriously happy tears.

I drove home in crazy traffic (but thankfully no rain) and did some school work last night.  This weekend is all about writing two final papers.  I don't expect to get them both completed, but would like, at least, to get one done.  And the weekend will likely come with a lot of re-centering as I find myself getting distracted along the way (you know...by things like...say...blogging! ;-)).

But the underlying theme for this week was my repeated choice to allow events that would have otherwise upset me sort of roll off my back.  Okay...that makes it sound too easy.  They didn't so much "roll" as I "pushed" them off my body and didn't allow them to stay there and cause me pain.  And since Monday morning, my pain has been fairly non-existent.  I get moments here and there, but interestingly, when one of those moments happen, I stop and take notice of what is going on in my head and I seem to be able to stop the pain from increasing.

I am under a lot of stress right now.  There is no way around that. I have 3 weeks left in both my Masters classes and in the childbirth ed continuing education program I've been taking all summer as well.  The business is picking up in my office and I have a client due. My dad still needs more appointments and I need to work on getting him to seriously consider moving.  Add that to just the daily stuff of life and it's a lot.  And yet, I know I can accomplish it all. I am not letting the stress eat at me.  I am managing it.  I am breathing a LOT.  I am grounding myself.  And I'm okay.

Don't get me wrong, I certainly still have my moments, but I am becoming consciously aware of my body and its reactions and I am automatically forcing myself to stop and pay attention instead of letting everything build up.  This takes work and effort.  But it is the choice I'm making and so far it's having a positive effect on my life.  And THAT is what keeps me working at it!  :-)

Okay...back to work on these final papers...